Report: Belichik puts hit on Saban over Most Powerful Coach snub

BOSTON - Days after Forbes Magazine named Nick Saban as "The Most Powerful Coach in Sports," sources close to the Alabama football coach report that he had gone into hiding after hearing rumors of a pending hit put on his life by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichik.

Saban was absent from practice on Friday, and calls to his home, office and cell phone went unanswered. Sources close to Saban, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for retaliation, confirmed that Saban had been acting strangely over the past 24 hours.

"Nick was sky high after he heard about that Forbes Magazine thing," said the source. "I was hanging out with him at his office, and that's all he could talk about. Then his secretary came in and handed him a fax from the Patriots...man, as soon as he read that, he got a blank look on his face. I mean just froze. I don't know what the fax said, but it must have been bad."

There were unconfirmed reports of Saban being spotted at the Tuscaloosa airport in a disguise, asking an American Airlines ticket agent if there were any tickets available to South America that left as soon as possible.

This is not be the first time that Belichik has allegedly taken out rival coaches after they received positive press. Red Sox manager Terry Francona was found beaten and bloodied in the trunk of a car in the Fenway Park parking lots in January after being named "The Best Coach in Boston" by the Boston Globe. Francona refused to talk to police about the incident, calling it a "harmless prank" but authorities suspected Belichik.

"The only thing more frightening than Bill Belichik's power is how he uses it," said former FBI mafia expert John House. "He has a hair trigger and he's easily insulted. That's a dangerous combination for anyone unfortunate enough to cross him."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:54 PM 0 comments  

Patriots Downplay Reports That Brady is a Zombie

FOXBOROUGH, MA - As they continued preparations for next week's Super Bowl, The New England Patriots sought to downplay another mystery involving quarterback Tom Brady, dismissing reports that Tom Brady had been turned into a lifeless, blood-thirsty zombie as "highly speculative."

"Right now, there's no reason to suspect that Tom isn't going to be playing next Sunday, so for me this is a non-issue," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick at the Patriots' practice facilities. "This is just like the so-called 'Bootgate' - one picture that appears to show Tom feasting on the still-fresh remains of human, and things just get blown out of proportion."

Speculation on Brady's condition intensified on Sunday, as a battery of scientists, priests and voodoo practitioners filed in and out of the Patriots' training area, which was closed to reporters. Some reporters also noticed large quantities of field mice, rats, gerbils and other small mammals being shipped to the facilities, but Belichick said these were part of "normal game week preparations."

"It's just something we do every week, and certainly not because we're trying to keep Tom satisfied with warm animal meat until we can find a cure," Belichik said. "You media guys just don't pay attention to our preparations until the Super Bowl."

Brady was last spotted in public Saturday morning, after having returned from a short trip in Jamaica with his girlfriend, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to an event raising awareness for the "Help People Who Appear to be Soulless and Have a Taste for Human Flesh, Especially Brains Foundation". Brady was photographed by paparazzi with a large bandage on his neck, which he said came from "an overzealous fan at the event."

Brady himself was mostly silent on the matter, stating only "aaarrr, uggghhh, aarrrrr" while leaving team headquarters, before stopping briefly to eat a stringer from the Associated Press. Witnesses said that Brady did not appear to be limping as he slowly chased down, killed, and devoured the brain and other flesh of the unnamed reporter.

Randy Moss briefly addressed the situation in his locker room following the game, and echoed the comments of his teammates, who said that they unanimously expected Brady to start and perform well against the New York Giants, even if it was just the quarterback's flesh-eating, reanimated corpse.

"You tell me, who would you rather have: a zombie Tom Brady, or Eli Manning," Moss said. "No contest for me. Tom's got that killer instinct anyways, so even if he is a zombie, and I'm not saying he is, this can only help him. I don't think Michael Strahan is going to be wanting to get close enough to sack Tom on Sunday, and that's all I have to say about that."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:24 AM 8 comments