Walsh finds Rams Super Bowl tape on table, wonders if he sent porn to NFL by mistake

Former New England Patriots assistant Matt Walsh today found a tape of the Rams' pre-Super Bowl XXXVI walk through on his entertainment stand, leading him to wonder if he accidentally sent a porn tape to the NFL by mistake.

"I remember I had the Super Bowl tape on the entertainment stand, and then I swear I put it in the envelope the next morning," Walsh said. "But then later that night, about 1 a.m., I decided to unwind from all the stress with some, um, 'adult entertainment'. Did I take that tape out of the VCR in put it in the envelope, thinking it was the Super Bowl tape? Fuck."

Walsh spent the majority of the morning going through his adult film collection to see if any frequent films were missing after discovering the Super Bowl tape. He was dismayed to learn that a favorite adult film entitled "Rammed and Jammed 4" could not be located, even after a vigorous search.

"I had a date over the other day, so I did a 'porn sweep' and hid everything I had out," Walsh said. "I checked all of my usual hiding places - under my bed, my spare golf bag, the guitar case I have that doesn't have a guitar - and it wasn't there. Did I see the phrase 'rammed' on the label and get confused? Shit."

Walsh has considered phoning the NFL to let them know about his error, but he's decided to "play it cool and try not to freak out about it." If the NFL does contact him about the porn tape, Walsh plans to claim that it was "an old frat brother playing a joke on him."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was unavailable for comment. League spokesperson Greg Aiello said that Goodell was "pouring over" the tapes Walsh had sent over, a process that might require several days, a locked room and plenty of tissues.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:16 AM 0 comments  

In Search Of...The Curse of the SI Swimsuit Issue Couples

Somebody get Leonard Nimoy on the case, because this is spooky.

Take a quick look at this list, focusing only on the couples featured. A frightening pattern develops.

Quite a few have had what can be described as, depending on your definition, issues. Let's have a look at a few to see where they were and how the mighty have fallen:













Shaun Alexander

Before: 2005 MVP, endearing gap teeth, Madden cover boy, on top of the world

After: Annoying gap teeth, cut by the Seahawks in 2008 after becoming known more for falling down into boatloads of money after first contact than for rushing and touchdown totals













Roger Clemens

Before: arguably the greatest right-handed pitcher ever, super gazillionaire, appearance in Kingpin, confident enough at 40 to rock the frosted tips

After: steroids and HGH abuser/cheater, porker of 15 year old country stars, weasly enough to blame HGH purchases on his wife, all-around douchebag













Chuck Finley

Before: tall, dark and handsome left-handed pitcher with good stuff and a music video vixen on his arm, a match made in heaven

After: tall, dark and handsome left-handed pitcher with subpar stuff and a stilletto-shaped hole in his forehead inflicted by coked-up former music video vixen, a match made in hell











Allan Houston

Before: the toast of New York after helping to lead the Knicks to the '99 NBA Finals, deadly long-range shooter, signer of ridiculous contract

After: currently out of the league due to health issues, role in Black and White, name given to ridiculous NBA Collective Bargain Agreement Rule













Richard Jefferson

Before: high-flying forward teamed up with Jason Kidd on a Nets team consistently contending for the NBA's Eastern Conference title

After: Kidd-less, locked in long-term with Vince Carter, crazy looking ears, choker of Minnesota birthday boys

Speaking of which....













Jason Kidd

Before: proud purchaser of amazingly round, fake breasts for his wife, possessor of an unmatched all-around game, Olympian, consecutive appearances in the NBA Finals, on top of the world

After: messy divorce from globe-wearing wife, still an incredibly poor outside shooter, scapegoat in Dallas after forcing a trade to his original team













Mark McGwire

Before: renowned home run hitter, super duper nice guy

After: disgraced home run hitter, hater of discussions of the past













Bill Romonowski

Before: respected, football tough guy, winner, great teammate, "not on steroids!"

After: breaker of teammates' orbital bones, 'roid monkey, spitter, distributor of lots and lots and lots of pills













Alex Rodriguez

Before: going down as best player in baseball history, playing under largest contract in professional sports history, example of a "pure" baseball player to be held up as an example of a non-steroid using superstar

After: easy target, hated by nearly one and all, blamed for all that is wrong with the Yankees, affinity for manly women, possibly injected steroids with Jose Canseco while ogling his wife.

Honorable Mentions: What's left of Tom Gugliotta's knees, Annika Sorenstam's uncured face, Glen Rice's love of beating men in his wife's closet, Joe Montana's hatred of auctions.

The moral of the story: don't ever, ever, EVER agree to pose with your wife for a SI Swimsuit issue. If you are a star athlete and you have a hot wife who you think might even be remotely interested in posing for an SI Swimsuit issue, either ask her to wear a burka, or just divorce her immediately.

Posted by McLane at 1:21 PM 5 comments  

Sorenstam retires from LPGA to complete transformation into leather saddle

Ending growing speculation, Annika Sorenstam, the most accomplished women's golfer in history, announced today that she is retiring from the LPGA tour to concentrate on her lifelong goal - becoming a leather saddle.

"As much as I love golf, the hours spent inside the clubhouse and at sponsor functions have made it impossible to completely drain all water from my skin at the rate I would like," Sorenstam said. "After consulting with my team of experts lead by a collection of the top tanners and leather workers in the world, I need to devote myself full-time to this if I want to achieve my goals."

Sorenstam called tournament golf "a huge time suck" that prevented her from the daily care and maintenance needed to finish tanning her hide and begin the process of shaping her into a saddle.

"I have a whole regiment of ointments, soaps, oils and creams that I must do daily to avoid major cracks and hardening," Sorenstam said. "Even though I was lucky to be able to subject my skin to the sun's wonderful, destructive rays on a nearly-daily basis as a golfer, there were still times when I had to travel or meet with sponsors where I had to be inside. Turning myself into a saddle is a 24-7 commitment."

But retiring from golf was a difficult choice, Sorenstam said. Before making her decision, Sorenstam considered pursuing tanning herself into other, less time-intensive objects, including a catcher's mitt, cowboy hat and, most ironically, a golf glove.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:57 AM 3 comments  

Disoriented and Disheveled Former Sports Machine Host George Michael Found Pushing Random Buttons on ATMs

WASHINGTON, DC - Former George Michael Sports Machine host George Michael was said by family to be "resting comfortably" today after being found disorientedly pushing the buttons of random DC-area ATMs while waiting for sports highlights.

"The poor guy, he just kept saying 'Let's go to Orchard Park, where Jim Kelly and the Bills took down the hapless Colts 31-13' and then pushing a button, over and over again," said eyewitness Bill Swearingan. "After nothing would happen, he'd pause for a few minutes, give you a confused and helpless look, and then start right up talking about how it's 'time to see how the Cardinals used two Jack Clark home runs to take out the Expos."

Michael has been reported to be "quite unstable" since the cancellation of the George Michael Sports Machine last year. In October 2007 he was arrested and briefly charged with assaulting a midget dressed as R2-D2 at a Halloween party after he continually pushed his hand against the groin area of the man's costume and demanded to "see more Oilers highlights." Since those charges were dropped, Michael reportedly has spent most of his time as a recluse inside his mullti-million dollar estate in Silver Springs, Md, editing endless "Plays of the Month" montages for no one in particular.

"It's just sad, really," said one anonymous source who has seen several of the "compilations". "He'll stand in front of the screen and say 'Check out the NASCAR Crash of the Month - Darrell Waltrip at Daytona, I can't believe he walked away', but what's playing is some clip from an episode of Facts of Life. Then he'll introduce the Diving Catch of the Month, and it's the same clip."

The source said that the cancellation of the show was difficult for Michael, but the loss of his beloved Sports Machine was what drove him over the edge.

"That machine was the only thing in his life that didn't disappoint him," the source said. "No matter what, when he needed a sports highlight, he just had to push that big red button, and out it would come. You can't take that away from someone and expect them to go on with their lives. It's sad."

Michael's case is not an isolated incident, said Prof. Ryan Gerlost, lead researcher at the Center for Study of Sports Television Personalities at Columbia University.

"When sports TV personalities have a certain prop and it's taken away from them, the results can be devestating," Gerlost said. "At least in this case no one was hurt, unlike the Fratello Incident."

Gerlost was referring to the breakdown of TNT analyst Mike Fratello's Telestrator during a Heat vs. Wizards playoff game. Four people were hurt, two seriously, in the chaos that followed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:28 PM 0 comments  

Julio Franco: The Last of the RBI Baseball Greats

In what is now old news, Julio Franco has retired from professional baseball.

To fully illustrate just how long Julio Franco has been playing professionally, wrap your head around this: Donnie Moore, Kirby Puckett and Juan Uribe all appeared with Julio in RBI Baseball...and they're no longer of this earth.

He'll not only be remembered for his funky stance and ability to play while very, very old but for being the last active player from the first MLBPA-sanctioned video game. With Julio's retirement comes the end of an era.

NOTE: I realize Roger Clemens isn't technically retired and should be considered the last active RBI'er but he's in steroid/molester/douchebag limbo for the rest of time.

Here's to you Julio. I'll be sure and toast a Dos Equis Amber to you tonight while I immediately sub you in for pathetic Willie Randolph at the top of the order for the overrated A.L. All Star team.

Posted by McLane at 4:00 PM 0 comments  

Dear Will Leitch: I'm Sorry, This Is All My Fault

If you didn't read the Internets today, or missed HBO last night, then you don't know the general kerfuffle, hulabaloo, rhubarb, and I don't know what else that transpired on Bob Costas' new show. It was a sit-down discussion of all things new, exciting and scary for sports fans over the age of 40: bloggers, sports talk radio, and the end of the world as we know it. It was a panel discussion, including my close, personal friend Will Leitch from Deadspin.com and "Friday Night Lights" author Buzz Bissinger.

You can watch the video of it here. It didn't go well. Buzz Bissinger is apparently not a fan of the blogosphere, and poor Will was the whipping boy chosen to be drawn and quartered for the blood-thirsty masses to atone for the sins of bloggers everywhere. The level of anger and hatred that Bissinger has for the Blogosphere is quite astounding. The whole thing is ugly to watch.

And all I can say is: Will, I'm sorry. This was all my fault.

Why? You might remember back when your humble author was quoted in that august of publications, The New York Times, for a story about Eli Manning. Yours truly received two quotes, including the final word. And who was among the other "experts" quoted for this piece?

Buzz Bissinger. And he was only quoted once.

I must imagine that it burned pretty badly to be an apparently quote pompous and self-righteous Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, and find that the New York Times - the New York Times of all places - values the opinions of some snot-nosed brat blogger exactly twice as much as you. So you seethe. And you wait for the first opportunity to take some blogger - any blogger - down a peg, really rip them a new one and humiliate them in public, so you can prove a point and "get your revenge" over that New York Times slight.

(Of course, I may be wrong. But I'm not.)

So Will, I'm very, very sorry that all of this came crashing down on your head. The next time the New York Times calls, I'll tell them to get bent rather than run the risk of a ranting and raving Pulitzer Prize winner getting ready to snap a blogger in half. If David McCullough goes nutso upside the head of one of the Fire Joe Morgan guys, I don't want that blood on my hands.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:35 PM 1 comments  

Rumors linking Dwayne Wade to Star Jones cause Charles Barkley to update his Five

NEW YORK - Charles Barkley, disgusted by rumors that his close friend Dwayne Wade was dating former "The View" host Star Jones, today immediately updated his T-Mobile MyFavs to replace Wade from his 5.

"I know this - I ain't gonna have no fools dating Star Jones getting that junk all over my 5," Barkley said. "I'll add Kevin Johnson to the list, or Dan Majerle. Hell, even Oliver Miller would be fine. At least he's just fat, and not railing Star Jones."

Author's Note: People have been asking me for days to do something on the alleged relationship between Wade and Jones. So this story was done under duress - I've basically been operating under the hope that if I ignore it, then it isn't really happening.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:46 AM 4 comments  

I've got a hunch you'll love the San Diego Chicken getting blasted in the nuts...

You know why baseball is dying with kids in America? Not because of the popularity of other sports, or steroid scandals, or kids playing video games instead of going outside. No, it's because they don't have quality entertainment like "The Baseball Bunch". If you don't remember it (and if you're an adult male in my age group, how could you not?), "The Baseball Bunch" was a half-hour baseball show for kids that ran weekend mornings (usually before the Game of the Week in my market - check your local listings from the early 1980s for times and channels). It was hosted by Johnny "Krylon" Bench, and the idea was that he would teach a group of kids (The Baseball Bunch) the fundamentals of the game with the help of guest stars - i.e. baseball players like Mike Schmidt, Ozzie Smith and more. The San Diego Chicken was there to provide the comedy, while Tommy Lasorda was there as "The Dugout Wizard" to help scare the kids away from talking to creepy old men.

I watched every week when I was a kid. Usually I picked up some tip that I could use in my Little League game that week, whether it was Cal Ripken showing how to pivot to turn the double play, or Keith Hernandez teaching you...I don't know, how to grow a mustache. At any rate, it was pretty educational.

(Side note: did you know that Lou Pinella's career ended when he injured his rotator cuff while being pitched to by the San Diego Chicken on the show? It's on Wikipedia, so it must be true...)

As for the humor...well, it was on par with something like "You Can't Do That on Television" - it worked for me when I was 7, but it probably doesn't hold up quite as well today. However, don't tell Johnny Bench that, as watching the San Diego Chicken peel potatoes is apparently the funniest thing he's seen since Dave Concepcion put cayenne peppers in Joe Morgan's jock. Watch this and wait for the end, when the Chicken takes a shot in his...err...eggs:


I hope next week's episode involved The Dugout Wizard talking to the kids about the importance of wearing a cup at all times. Actually, scratch that - the thought of an old man in a bad Merlin outfit lecturing kids on proper equipment for their privates is just wrong.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:14 PM 1 comments  

The Night Before

Recapping the stuff you missed because you were enthralled with Andrew Lloyd Weber night on American Idol:

• The Suns blow a second half lead, fall down 2-0 in to the Spurs. fknmclane put on mandatory 48 hour suicide watch.
• Dwight Howard has his second straight +20 point, +20 rebound game as the Magic hold on against the Raptors to take a 2-0 series lead. I think it's insane that a player on a playoff team can average 20.7 ppg and 14.2 rpg and not even be a factor in the MVP race.
• And oh yeah, there were two game 7s last night in the NHL, one of which went to sudden-death overtime. Not that anyone out there would be interested in, you know, the most dramatic moment in professional sports.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:51 AM 1 comments  

Millions of horny men across US disappointed by Danica Patrick's win

MOTEGI, JAPAN - American men around the world were sent into intense mourning on Sunday with news that Danica Patrick had won her first IRL race at the Indy Japan 500. The win is seen by observers of the sport to have tragic, far-reaching consequences, as it has seemingly stopped a career progression for Patrick that was widely believed to be leading down the inevitable path of a Playboy photo shoot within two seasons.

In the last few years, Danica Patrick has managed to keep herself in the public eye despite being being winless with a series of racy phot shoots for publications such as Sports Illustrated, Maxim and FHM. But her victory on Sunday sent chills through the spines of legions of horny men across the US, who worry that the increased respect and publicity for her driving skills will put a damper on her modeling career.

"Those Sports Illustrated photos were so hot, and the FHM spread - Boner Town," said Geoff Doherty, a frequent reader of popular men's magazines. "With the lengths she was willing to go to keep herself relevant even though she wasn't winning, it wasn't going to be that long until she had to do Playboy. But no - someone comes up with a great fuel strategy, and suddenly it's hello 'I'm not just a pretty face' and goodbye 'artfully done beaver shots in Playboy'! God damn it."

Doherty noted Patrick's recent appearances in racy ads for sponsor GoDaddy.com as evidence that she had begun "scrapping the bottom of the barrel" as far as ways to maintain a place in the spotlight, and that there was really no place left to go but Playboy.

"Maybe they'll do a GoDaddy.com ad where they congratulate her for winning the race, and that other girl from the ads will be the trophy girl and her boobs will keep popping out," Doherty said. "But no, she's probably too good for that now. Fuck!"

Doherty said that he was now holding out hope that LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis becomes mired in a terrible slump over the next two seasons.

"But not Lorena Ochoa," he added. "Dear God, not Lorena Ochoa. Let her win every week if that's what it takes..."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:46 AM 3 comments