Waffle House signs Tiger Woods to endorsement deal

Norcroft, GA - After losing several high-profile endorsements in recent weeks, Tiger Woods gained a rare new endorsement on Sunday, as Waffle House announced they had inked the embattled golfer to a multi-year deal.

Waffle House CEO Joe Rogers said that recent revelations of Woods' infidelity and other indiscretions in his personal life were far from a turn-off for his brand; in fact it brought Woods “closer” to the Waffle House demographic.

“When I heard that he wrecked his SUV after his wife was chasing him in the middle of night with a golf club because he was cheating on her, my first thought was 'Bingo',” Rogers said. “That pretty much sums up why most of our customers wind up eating at Waffle House in the first place.”

Rogers added that Woods' recent fall from grace made it possible for Waffle House to afford bringing him on-board as a celebrity spokesperson.

“Just like our All-Star Special, Tiger Woods is a great deal that's only going to be available for a limited time,” Rogers said. “It's fair to say that much like our hash browns are smothered and covered in gravy, Tiger's been smothered and covered in controversy lately.”

Waffle House will be filming their first commercial with Woods after the New Year. The planned 30-second spot will be dialogue-free and feature Woods drunkenly leering at a moderately-attractive Waffle House waitress. The commercial will end with the restaurant chain's new tag line “Waffle House: If It's Good Enough For Tiger, It's Good Enough For You.”

Woods released a statement through his Web site that was “thrilled” was the new endorsement and “didn't at all consider it to be a massive step down from Accenture or Tag Heuer.”

Woods replaces previous Waffle House spokesperson John Daly, who Rogers said was let go after “failing to live up to the brand image” by failing to get arrested or vomit on himself during a tournament over the past six months.

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Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 AM 1 comments  

Meet the new Shark, same as the old Shark

Was there anything in sports this year as anti-climactic, yet as thoroughly expected as seeing Greg Norman throw up all over himself, bogey the first three holes of the final round of the British Open, and then fall gently into the night as Padraig Harrington took control by actually - gasp - shooting one-under for the round as everyone else was imploding left and right. It's almost as if he made some sort of deal with the Devil:

"Sure, you want one more chance to compete at the majors, just like you did 15 years ago? No problem, Greg. It will be just like it was for you at the majors back then. I promise..."

And just like it was in 1996 at the Masters, Greg Norman...well, I hate to use the word "choke", since maybe it's honestly asking too much to expect a 53 year-old to not fall apart after four brutal days of competition. But the collapse in the first few holes weren't just missed shots - they were complete mental breakdowns. It's one thing to decide "what the hell, I'm not even supposed to be near this leaderboard - might as well play loose and have fun." It's another thing to continue to spray the ball all over the rough with your driver when there's no damned good reason for it. Tom Watson (who knows something about working your way around links courses) sounded like he was about ready to come down from the ABC tower and wrap that fucking driver around Norman's neck every time he made an ill-advised choice to play driver when a long iron would have done just fine.

Still, lost in all of this is, you know, the guy who won the tournament? The same guy who won it last year? The same guy who didn't know until Thursday morning if his injured wrist would let him grip the club at all, much less play at a championship level? Yeah, Padraig Harrington. If Tiger Woods won a major dealing with a potential serious injury, wouldn't the media be making a much bigger deal out it than they did with Harrington's wi...

Never mind.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:51 AM 2 comments  

Bush gives up golf to support troops; Singh taken to Guantanamo Bay as possible terrorist sympathizer

WASHINGTON, DC - Coming days after President Bush declared that he had given up golf to show his solidarity with US troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, champion golfer Vijay Singh was arrested for "suspicion of supporting terrorists" and reportedly shipped to the government's Guantanamo Bay detention facility.

Singh was seen being led away from the driving range at the TPC Sawgrass course near Atlanta by several men in dark suits and into a white, unmarked van. PGA Tour officials would not comment on Singh's disappearance, but Singh's Web page on the PGATour.com Web site has been ominously marked "DNP" for the rest of the season.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino would not confirm or deny reports of Singh's detention at the notorious US military base located in Cuba, citing "national security interests."

"All I can say is that when we are at war, anyone living in the United States should follow the lead of the President," Perino said. "Clearly, if someone were to continue to do something that the President, in his infinite wisdom, has personally decided to not do out of respect for the troops, then I would think there would be reason to question if they are providing comfort and perhaps aid, to terrorists."

This would be especially true, Perino said, if said person were dark-skinned, and from a far-away country such as Fiji that may or may not have a significant Muslim population.

"I don't know much about Fiji, but I know that it's in the Pacific Ocean, and so was Bali and we all know what kinds of terrorist activities they have there," Perino said.

Tiger Woods released a statement through Nike in response to Singh's disappearance and possible detention. In the statement, he expressed sympathy for Singh's family but said he did not want to speculate on Singh's possible ties to terrorism. He also said that his recent knee surgery was not healing as well as previously hoped for, and that he might not be able to play golf "until some point on or after January 20, 2009 at the earliest."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:43 PM 0 comments  

Sorenstam retires from LPGA to complete transformation into leather saddle

Ending growing speculation, Annika Sorenstam, the most accomplished women's golfer in history, announced today that she is retiring from the LPGA tour to concentrate on her lifelong goal - becoming a leather saddle.

"As much as I love golf, the hours spent inside the clubhouse and at sponsor functions have made it impossible to completely drain all water from my skin at the rate I would like," Sorenstam said. "After consulting with my team of experts lead by a collection of the top tanners and leather workers in the world, I need to devote myself full-time to this if I want to achieve my goals."

Sorenstam called tournament golf "a huge time suck" that prevented her from the daily care and maintenance needed to finish tanning her hide and begin the process of shaping her into a saddle.

"I have a whole regiment of ointments, soaps, oils and creams that I must do daily to avoid major cracks and hardening," Sorenstam said. "Even though I was lucky to be able to subject my skin to the sun's wonderful, destructive rays on a nearly-daily basis as a golfer, there were still times when I had to travel or meet with sponsors where I had to be inside. Turning myself into a saddle is a 24-7 commitment."

But retiring from golf was a difficult choice, Sorenstam said. Before making her decision, Sorenstam considered pursuing tanning herself into other, less time-intensive objects, including a catcher's mitt, cowboy hat and, most ironically, a golf glove.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:57 AM 3 comments