Ken Norton Jr. Breaks Bruin Hearts Again

You know Ken Norton, Jr. All-American linebacker at UCLA. The only player in NFL history to play on three consecutive Super Bowl-winning teams. Wanted to coach at his alma mater after his playing career but was told by Karl Dorrell that there was no room on the staff, he decided to take a job with his former defensive coordinator Pete Carroll at USC. Is now the linebackers coach for the Trojans, a squad that makes it their mission to destroy UCLA offensive players on a yearly basis, almost like someone had something to prove or an axe to grind.

Well, Rick Neuheisel decided to try and make a "big splash" by convincing Norton to come back to UCLA in the same position. And, just like you would think would happen, Norton listened and waited long enough to get Bruins' hopes up, before driving a stake through their hearts by announcing that he's not leaving USC after all.

At least Norm Chow is now available after he received his pink slip from the Titans today. (I found it interesting to read about his firing in the LA Times one day after they said he wasn't a serious candidate at UCLA because he had "just signed a contract extension." Am I missing something here?) Bringing him back as offensive coordinator to compete against Carroll, whom he had a "frosty" relationship with, could be one way to needle USC a bit. Then again, Chow is under the perpetual notion that he's just one interview away from becoming a head coach somewhere, when in fact Chow Yun Fat has a better chance of becoming a head football coach than Norm Chow.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:16 PM 0 comments  

Rare photo of ugly female student shocks Arizona St. community

TEMPE, AZ - Arizona State University officials were scrambling on Tuesday to determine how an unattractive female student was able to be photographed at a recent basketball game - a photo which was then published by CNN/SI and has since rocked the school to its core.

"Arizona State University has a reputation that we need to uphold at all costs," said school President Dr. Michael Crow. "We've forged a singular image in the academic world - that of a place teeming with some of the hottest pieces of co-ed ass imaginable. When you think of Arizona State, you think of one thing only - some nubile 19 year-old with a tan, lithe body, with a snug T-shirt barely covering her supple yet firm breasts. We've worked too hard for to long at building this image to let some...well, let's just say Washington State-caliber student...ruin it for all of us."

The photo in question appeared in a CNN/SI online photo gallery called "College Superfans." Crow promised an immediate investigation into the situation, which he characterized as "extremely complex."

"First off, we need to find out how our PR and marketing team could let this happen," Crow said. "Our entire team of publicists is trained to spot any media camera from up to 200 yards away and immediately direct them towards the most attractive female students. Obviously, something went wrong there. And clearly, we'll have to review our security procedures at home game."

Starting in 1987, Arizona State has offered students who do not meet certain height, weight, cup size and "overall attractiveness" requirements special seating in a section called "The Cow Palace", located in a dark, hidden corner of the stadium or arena. In addition, all "Cow Palace" members are encouraged to wear complimentary masks depicting the current head coach of the sports team playing as a way to "encourage excitement and spirit among our genetically-challenged students."

"Clearly, this person snuck into the general student seating," Crow said. "Whether security thought she was some sort of malted ice cream salesperson, or if she intimidated them through the threat of bulk and force, it's hard to say."

Crow said the University would institute an immediate emergency plan aimed at raising its Overall Hotness Index level back to pre-incident levels. Measures include: an immediate sale on baby doll and cut-off T-shirts at the student bookstore; installation of free tanning booths and beauty salons outside of every on-campus building; contacting Playboy about a "Girls of Arizona State" spread as quickly as possible; and hiring of 10-12 additional Certified Bikini Inspectors to act as a last line of defense.

(Note: There was originally a picture of a female ASU student who, in my opinion, was not up to the usual hotness levels of most Sun Devil coeds (as evidenced below), at the beginning of this post. To placate a handful of Chubby Chasers who got all offended about it avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I took that photo down. Although if you go to the original CNN/SI photo section, I bet you can guess who it is...)

Arizona State co-eds who have met the school's Minimum
Hotness Requirement (MHR) for sitting within camera
range during sporting events indicate that they like kinky sex.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:58 AM 25 comments  

Others Things the Bulls Voted on Besides Benching Joakim Noah

If you didn't catch it yet, members of the Chicago Bulls voted unanimously to bench rookie Joakim Noah for Sunday's game against Atlanta Hawks following a confrontation with assistant coach Ron Adams. A few thoughts:

• It's good to see that his Bulls teammates hate Noah as much as the rest of the civilized world does. Who says that NBA players are out of touch with the rest of society? If we can all agree that Joakim Noah is about as hateable as Puppy Cancer, then maybe there is a chance for society at large.
  
• I can't believe that this the same Ron Adams who took over from semi-legend Boyd Grant at Fresno State and proceeded to run that program into the ground? It just doesn't seem possible that someone that incompetent as a head coach at a mid-major college could then go find job after job in the NBA. (It must be his steady, creepy pose.)
  
• Most importantly, the players get to vote on benching people now? I know that the Bulls have an interim head coach, so maybe he doesn't have quite the power that an actual head coach would have. But this just seems nuts to me. I know that a lot of teams have "kangaroo courts" that issues verdicts on disputes amongst players in order to keep things in-house. But voting on benching players?

Of course, then I was leaked information from a source deep inside the Bulls organization letting me know that the punishment of rookie players is not the only thing the Bulls voted on during that meeting:

• Bill requiring that equipment staff switch to environmentally-friendly laundry detergent passed, 10-5.
• Bill asking that Loul Deng's mother come by one night and cook up some "delicious Chinese food, like that Orange Chicken they have at Panda Express" passed, 14-1.
• Subsequent resolution recognizing that Loul Deng is in fact from the Sudan and not anywhere in Asia, despite what everyone continues to think, fails to pass committee.
• Bill stating that Lou Malnati's is a clearly superior pizza place to Giordano's passes, 8-7, after a contentious, 90-minute debate.
  
• Resolution presented by Mr. Wallace to make sure the new regime knows that it should be OK to wear headbands during games, especially if someone has done so their whole lives, passes 12-3.
• Motion to give 100 percent effort against the Hawks to prove to "that punk kid" that they don't need him failed unanimously.
• Bill authorizing the team to go to a strip club with lots of cash and several questionable hangers-on at 3 a.m. as a "team bonding" experience - WITHOUT JOAKIM NOAH! - to forget about that night's upcoming loss passes 14-0 (Kirk Hinrich abstains because he has to go to Bible Study or some shit like that.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:08 PM 0 comments  

YOUR FACE IS A LIVE BLOG: Chili Bowl PPV Broadcast

Forget the Patriots/Jags game. That's amateur hour. The real excitement is starting in a few minutes, as the first-ever broadcast of the final night of the 22nd annual Chili Bowl, the world's largest midget car race. The top drivers in the open-wheel world are part of the 270+ car contingent. Some NASCAR drivers are there too. Guys you might have heard of like Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne (Stewart is in fact the defending champion).

I'll be here all night, drinking some MGDs and watching as we progress through the night from the "I" feature all the way through "A" main. Needless to say, we'll be here a while.

Do yourself a favor and don't have the NFL shoved down your throat! Order the Chili Bowl on your PPV (you have another half-hour before the broadcast proper starts) and come back here and comment as I blog.
Pre-race - And you're looking live at Tulsa, Oklahoma! Man, that's a lot of people on the telecast. Glad to see that they have actual open wheel guys doing the broadcast. The "Prelude to the Dream" was great, but having the usual Fox NASCAR guys doing the call was a mixed bag - yeah, fans know who they are, and they know the drivers. But they needed someone with short track experience.

If you are curious, here is the line-up for tonight's racing: twin C mains, a B main and then the final A main. Here is who is locked into the various races based on the results of the past week of racing.

I know he is only 16, but somebody needs to Cole Witt how to put some bend into the bill of his cap when he does an interview. When you look like Opie Cunningham to begin with, the dorky, straight bill isn't a big help.

And I doubt he "waved" at Tony Stewart when he passed him for the final transfer spot. Although Tony might have "waved" his middle finger at Cole.

If anyone is curious, Tony Stewart can take a provisional as the defending champion if he doesn't qualify through the preliminary races tonight.

The first C main (like every race from here on out) is stacked. I'm very happy to see Randy "The Hurricane" Hannigan starting fourth - he's a racer from Northern California that I've watched a good portion of my life going to races in the Central Valley. I think of him as more of a sprint car guy, so it's good to see him doing well here.

The driver of "local" interest to me in the other C is Stan Yockey. That actually shocks me a little bit - he's been getting better racing in California in sprint cars, but this is a huge step up in class, and even making it to the C-main is a big achievement.

In case you are curious, here's Yockey getting slammed into at a race in Central California by Ronnie Day at the end of last season, suffering wrist and arm injuries. These guys are tough.

It's now 40 minutes into the broadcast, and still no racing yet. I know there were a lot of highlights to get through, but this is getting ridiculous.

Finally, racing...

C-Main No. 1: First race, first corner...and first flip. Welcome the short track racing on dirt.

Way to miss the crash with two of the five guys in transfer spots, because you're interviewing Crusty French Grimes. Especially since they were the two guys you were spending all of the first part of the race highlighting AND that you had your two in-car cameras in. This does not bode well for the coverage.

Also: Crash Gladys looks about as hot as the Tulsa Hooters Girls - 6 out of 10.

UPDATE: So Kruseman jumped the start and got shuffled to the back? Nice that Shane Stewart had to tell us this instead of one of the 28 people on the coverage team...

C-Main No. 2: And the coverage madness continues. Here's a hint: Joey Saldana is in the yellow Kasey Kahne team car. How hard is this to figure out? My favorite moment: "It might be Ricky Stenhouse Jr. - we'll have to get a better shot to see." This is said as we have a close-up shot of the car from head-on, where you can see "Stenhouse Jr." on the top.

Why the hell was McCarl racing so hard for the lead when he and Jones both had a transfer? Odd.

On the the B-main. So pumped to see Ron Shuman racing again.

B-Main No. 1: Shoe! Shoe! Shoe! They need to be making more of this - Ron Shuman hasn't raced in 10 years, and he's in the A-main. And Buckwalter got totally plowed into - again, thanks to the coverage team for not picking that up until after the fact.

And having seen him at the Oval Nationals in December...Brady Bacon is going to be good...real good.

B-Main No. 2: Brad Sweet got screwed. Pure and simple. And how can they not know who transfered out of the first B-main still? Amateur hour...

Pre A-Main BS: I think heading to the hammered fans in the cheap seats wasn't the best idea. Although why am I not surprised that the fat chick is a big fan of Brady Bacon?

A-Main: Ugh. You hate to see a kid's first Chili Bowl end before it even starts. But like they said on the broadcast, that can happen to anyone. Hell, I saw it happen to Dave Darland at the Oval Nationals this year - except he snap-rolled about five or six times instead of just hitting the wall.

My pick to win? Brad Kunz.

...and that didn't last long. Stupid Terry McCarl...no wonder they all hate him in Knoxville.

I can't express how happy I was to see Damion Gardner win. Beyond the fact that he's a Southern California guy, he's one of the most exciting drivers I've seen in a long time. Which is precisely why I didn't think he would win. Usually, his "excitement" leads to one big screw-up, and with 50 laps and a lot of traffic, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And I almost got it, too. His bicycle on that one restart was about as close as you can get to flip a car without actually doing it. That was his race-ending mistake...but somehow, he saved the car and kept going. Then things broke his way: the track never slicked off, he got enough yellow flags to stay out of traffic (where bad things usually happen to overly aggressive drivers) and Dave Darland held up Shane Cottle (who I think would have caught Damion and made it very interesting if he could have passed Darland for second).

So, that's the end of the 2008 Chili Bowl. I hope that anyone who was watching it tonight enjoyed it. And if this was your first time watching a short-track, open wheel race, I hope you liked it enough to visit your local track once the season starts and check it out live - TV is great, but like hockey, it really is a different experience in person.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:26 PM 2 comments  

"Miguel" Simpson in Even More Trouble

From the AP, via Yahoo!:

LAS VEGAS - O.J. Simpson is in custody in Florida on allegations that he violated terms of his release on bail by calling one of his co-defendants in a Las Vegas armed robbery case, a court official said Friday.

Prosecutors allege that Simpson, identifying himself as "Miguel," telephoned Clarence "C.J." Stewart on Nov. 16 and expressed frustration with Stewart's testimony at a preliminary hearing, court spokesman Michael Sommermeyer said.

I mean, you have to be fucking kidding me, right? "Miguel"? I would at least expected a slightly more unique alias, such as "Pay-Dro Goo-Rer-Ro".

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:22 PM 0 comments  

Flying dirt, midgets and a big, hot steamy Chili Bowl

It might be hard to believe, but my beneath my suave, sophisticated exterior lurks a secret. Something so dark that only my closest friends know it, but because of the shame that it would cause me and the embarrassment it causes them, it's something that we never talk about. Since I've been doing this blog for several months now, though, this secret has been an anchor that is like an albatross on my neck, forcing me to mix metaphors just to explain it. But if you, dear reader, are going to be invested in this blog, I feel like the truth, however ugly or shocking, needs to come out.

Here it goes:

I am a redneck. I go to Dollywood for vacations. I get very excited about seeing The General Lee at Cooter's in the Smokies. And I love dirt track racing. I've been going since I was about four years old - it's one of the earliest memories I have, going to the local dirt track outside of Fresno with my dad and brother. And it's something that I've held onto ever since. Sprint car and midget car racing

Is part of it nostalgia? Perhaps, but the bottom line is that I also think it's the best form of racing that you can see as a spectator. Why?

The format: Do you try to watch NASCAR on occasion, but cannot sit through four hours of nothing much happening, just to get to the final 30 laps when all the interesting stuff is taking place? Imagine if the race itself was just those final 30 laps? That's pretty much what dirt track racing is. The typical format will have several short (usually 8 to 12 laps, depending on the size of the track) heats or qualifying races, and then a main event that is typically between 30 and 40 laps. So all the good stuff is compressed into compact, bite-sized packets of entertainment. Perfect for your short-attention span, YouTube-addicted, Internet-addled minds!
All action, all the time: The typical main event has up to 24 cars on a track that ranges in size from a quarter-mile to a half-mile long. So instead of lap after lap of cars strung out throughout the track, with no passing or excitement whatsoever, on a dirt track there is always action - with battles for position, leaders trying to get through lapped traffic, etc.
The atmosphere: Until you go to a race, it's hard to explain why it's so much fun. Consider it part sporting event, part county fair (which isn't surprising, since a lot of tracks are on county fairground sites). There's BBQ, popcorn and lots of cheap beer in the concession stands. The fans are very friendly, often with a mouthful of chaw or said beer. And the cars themselves: a sprint car can get well beyond 125 mph at a fast track, something that is always lost on TV. Add to that the smell of gasoline and burning rubber (and again, beer and chaw), and it's quite the sensory experience.
Big crashes: Anyone who says that they are fans of racing, but don't get excited for crashes is, quite frankly, delusional/a lair/Communist. Tell Boris to go back to the Mother Country, or to admit to himself that seeing a big crash is part of the thrill of going to a track. Obviously, part of the visceral thrill is the sigh of relief and the amazement when someone walks away from a seemingly vicious crash, and no one (except for some goons on YouTube, I'm sure), want to see people get hurt or killed. And there really isn't anything more spectacular than an open-wheel sprint car or midget car crash, as you can see for yourself. (Note: I have yet to see a crash video on YouTube not set to God Awful Nu Metal. If you have any taste in music, you'll want to turn down your speakers.)

Why do I bring this all up now? Because you might not know it, but this is one of the biggest weekends of the year for open wheel racing fans. It's the weekend of the 22nd Annual Chili Bowl, held in the former Convention Center in Tulsa, OK. This is the Super Bowl of midget car racing.

How big is this race? They expect more than 25,000 people to watch the finals on Saturday night, including many people who won't actually be able to see the track but will pay just to have a view of the scoreboard. There were, at last count, 274 entries for the race, all looking to fill 24 spots in the main event. Pretty much, if you are an open wheel driver in the United States, you are here. It's a veritable who's who of drivers, including people that even casual fans know. Tony Stewart is the defending champion of the race. Other NASCAR drivers such as JJ Yeley and Kasey Kahne will be there, too.

The exciting news this year is the HBO is going to offer live, flag-to-flag coverage of the final night of racing on Saturday as a PPV event, and NASCAR.com is going to offer live, streaming coverage of tonight's preliminary races start at 8 p.m. Eastern. The success of HBO's PPV of the "Prelude to the Dream" at Eldora last season apparently has sparked interested in more open wheel coverage, which is obviously great news for the sport.

I can't urge you strongly enough to watch the racing from the Chili Bowl this weekend. Like it or not, I'll be giving updates through the week, and may possibly be doing the site's first LIVE BLOG OF AN EVENT on Saturday. To give you a taste, here are some highlights from last year's action (note: same disclaimer about crappy Nu Metal from the last video applies).

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:59 AM 1 comments  

Tilghman Comments on LPGA Players Questioned

ORLANDO, FL - One day after suspending anchor Kelly Tilghman for joking that the best way for other golfers to stop Tiger Woods would be to "lynch him in a back alley", The Golf Channel announced today that it was reviewing Tilghman's comments about LPGA Tour golfers after reports of other inappropriate comments surfaced.

A blog entry on Golfing Report Magazine chronicled at least a dozen questionable remarks made by Tilghman about prominent LPGA golfers over the past several seasons on recap shows such as The 19th Hole.

Among the remarks mentioned in the article:

• On Morgan Pressel (who is Jewish), after she won the Kraft Nabisco Championship at age 18: "If she keeps this kind of play up, the other players are going to need to put her on the Kindertransport if they want to win again."
• On No. 1 ranked golfer Lorena Ochoa (from Mexico): "That was such a dominating performance, the only thing that could have stopped her was a call to INS and a trip in a van back over the border."
• On superstar Annika Sorenstam (from Sweden), after a tough defeat at the 2007 Mastercard Classic: "Perhaps she should take a cue from so many of her countrymen and kill herself."
• On former major winner Se Ri Pak (from Korea): "It looks like she's put on some weight in the time off since her injury - maybe she needs to add more salads and less Chicken Fried Cat."
• On former Player of the Year Karrie Webb (from Australia): "And after missing the par putt to get into the tournament, she probably feels just like she does when she gets done being double-team by a pair of drunken kangaroos. Which I'm sure she does, all the time. Because she's Australian.
• On Women's British Open winner and sex symbol Natalie Gulbis: "You have to wonder if she wouldn't be more successful if she spent more time practicing and less time being such a skanky ho-bag whore."
  

Golf Channel officials said that they would have to review tapes of the broadcasts to see what context the statements were made in.

"Obviously, this is not the kind of thing that we condone on our broadcasts, ever," said Golf Channel spokesperson Jim McGurty. "But to be honest, no one pays a lot of attention to what anyone says about the LPGA Tour, so it's pretty understandable how this could have slipped past us. Broads playing golf - give me a fucking break."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:21 PM 0 comments  

Hey new readers!

If you're new to the site, visit the archives and see what you've missed.

If you've been reading for a while, please don't let the new readers know how shabby things are around here. I'm begging you.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:16 PM 0 comments  

I'm Officially Skeptical of the New Reggie Bush Expose

Not because I think it's dramatically inconceivable that he accepted cash and other favors from a sports agent/marketer when he was at USC. That kind of seems hard not to believe. What I'm skeptical of is that the majority of the revelations in "Tarnished Heisman" are from, to quote the Los Angeles Times story today, "interviews with Lloyd Lake, who tried to secure Bush as a client for the marketing company he and others attempted to launch." And on top of that, the book's authors admit that they compensated Lake for agreeing to participate in the book.

Let's see: a whole book based on the claims of a disgruntled person with shady past and a grudge to settle, who is paid by the authors for his troubles. Yeah, I can't imagine that there's any blurring of the lines of journalistic integrity there. There would be no reason for the authors, after paying Lake, to pressure him to ensure that the revelations had sufficient sizzle and offered new, shocking claims not already uncovered by Yahoo! Sports. Except for the fact that, apparently, without that, they have no book.

The whole thing is dodgy. I give it a week before it's completely off the news cycle

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:08 PM 1 comments  

Carroll Seriously Considering Blackmailing Garrett for Annual Pay Raise

LOS ANGELES - Sources close to Pete Carroll said today that after discussions with Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank about his team's head coaching vacancy, the USC Trojans head football coach is "seriously considering" receiving another lucrative pay raise from USC athletic director Mike Garrett.

"He's very close to making it known to athletic department officials that he's seriously considering leaving for the NFL," said the source. "Obviously, it's been a dream of his to return to the NFL. It's hard to put a price on that, although I'm sure that another million dollars or so a year from USC might be about right."

Garrett, who has given Carroll several contract extensions after the coach has flirted with several NFL teams in recent years, responded to the reports.

"I mean, he wouldn't leave here for Atlanta, right?," Garrett said in a brief interview while chainsmoking half a pack of Kools. "I mean, that place is a mess, right? And this is the best atmosphere in the country. He'd be crazy to leave. I know they're offering him total control, but he has that here. Why go back to the NFL!?!"

Garrett then alternated between manically laughing and violent weeping for several minutes before excusing himself to "make an emergency phone call."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:40 PM 1 comments