Sporty Small Talk

When I arrived at work this morning my friendly coworker decided to make some small talk regarding the Diamondbacks' win last night over the Dodgers. Usually, this is all well and good, as I love talking sports with other knowledgeable fans.

Unfortunately, this young man knows next to nothing about sports. NOTHING. Here's an example:

"Good morning, fknmclane. Did you watch the Arizona Diamondbacks win last night? They scored a lot of points."

There are clearly a couple of issues with this question/statement. First of all, DBacks will suffice. Saying a team's full name is just, well, stupid. Secondly, there's no such thing as a point in a baseball game. The baseball gods decreed they are to be called runs and that is the way it has been for over a hundred friggin' years.

I'm not typically a miserable person but this kind of thing makes me insane. I don't pretend to have a doctorate or something in sports knowledge but I like to think I can discuss basketball, baseball and football (and boxing...and tennis) with some degree of expertise.

My coworker has no such confidence in his ability to speak intelligently on sports, which leads me to wonder why bring it up at all? I don't ask him what the latest, greatest anime movie is. I don't ask my architect friend about the new kick-ass t-square when we meet up. I don't create a discussion with my brother the CFP on the long-term prospects for the economy. It would be foolish and incredibly awkward to do so.

Maybe that's what is bugging me about this morning's dissecting of the DBacks win over the Dodgers last night. It was incredibly awkward to bring up Chris Young going 0-fer the night he signed his long-term contract and see a look of dumbfoundedness on this fellow's face. What exponentially increased the awkardness is that I LOVE talking sports. This instance turned out to be anything but.

What I realized this morning is that while the only thing better than watching sports is talking sports, there aren't many things worse than talking sports with those who know next to nothing about them.

I can get that on talk radio anytime.

Posted by McLane at 1:27 PM 2 comments  

Pro Bass Fishing + Fantasy Sports + Hulk Hogan = WTF?

What's more bizarre than professional bass fishing? Obviously, some people are better at it than others, I guess, but seriously? It's a sport for people who find bowling too physically demanding and requires being too sober. It's taking something that 99.9 percent of people do to relax and unwind and turning into a competitive sport. It's like Speed Knitting for redneck males.

The best part is the weigh-in after the fishing is over. Everyone steps up to the scales and weighs their catch. They try to make it seem as "rock show" as possible, with blaring music, pyrotechnics, etc., when really, it's about as exciting as buying 1 1/2 pounds of asparagus at the store.

So how could you take something that's already goofy as hell and make it even more...strange? What's that little push over the cliff? How do you take it to 11?

Answer: Fantasy Fishing. Yes, you can now pick your 10 favorite anglers and watch them earn points in the seven pro fishing tour events this year to get your share of the $7.3 million in prizes. Which I couldn't believe could possibly be true...until I saw who they have as their spokesperson for Fantasy Fishing:



Yes, because when I think of Fantasy Bass Fishing, I think of Hulk Hogan. The promoter running the Fantasy Fishing contest said he chose Hogan because "the most recognizable face in the world." Which may be true, if only because looking at the Hulkster's face now, I think anyone in the world can recognize an old catcher's mitt when they see it.

Although the promoter did mention that "somebody's going to become a millionaire staying home watching fishing." Which does make Hogan a fine fit to be spokesperson: anyone who is familiar with Hogan's final years in WCW and WWE knows that no one is better suited to talk about sitting at home and collecting large sums of money.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:22 AM 2 comments  

...and he walked away

In case you missed it on Friday, NASCAR Sprint Cup rookie Michael McDowell had a bad crash during qualifying at Texas Motor Speedway. A bad, bad crash...



The most amazing part is at the end, when McDowell walked out of the car without a scratch on him. Maybe he's the luckiest SOB who ever lived, or maybe the Car of Tomorrow really is safer than the old car. 10 years ago, and there's almost no way McDowell walks out of the car and waves to the crowd.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:27 AM 2 comments  

Hold That Elevator!

Going down, right? That's great. I need to cut this day short, gotta get home and take care of some urgent business. This morning has NOT gone as planned.

You see, I had an extra large bran muffin and a tall coffee for breakfast this morning. It seems to have pushed things into high gear, my insides are red-lining at the moment.

The bran/coffee combo doesn't typically have this affect but when coupled with the 17 Cerveza Caguama I threw down last night while alternately feasting on dozens of habanero street tacos and that hooker's crack, my guts are ready to explode.

Oh no. Oh fuck.

A man can only hold off the bubbles and pressure for so long.

I hate that it had to go down like this, here in this packed elevator. I made the terrible mistake of releasing a scout before I walked in and now we're all paying for it. Well, not so much me. I've learned to embrace my special brand of funk. But you poor bastards. You're definitely paying for it. Especially that woman curled in the fetal position in the corner. Is she breathing?

Word to the wise, folks. Don't try and hold your breath, simply breath as you normally would. If you take a deep breath and hold it, the beast will work it's way down and gutrot will then ensue. Trust me, it's pretty potent stuff. My poor wife just about died on our honeymoon.

Can this thing move any faster? World's slowest elevator combined with man helplessly emitting lethal methane while almost shitting his pants is not a good combination. They should build these things with our colons and noses in mind. Man, this is ridiculous.

Is someone's nosehair burning? I'm sorry, I can't help it any longer. Once those first couple escaped, it was all over. Seriously, is she breathing over there?

Just a few more floors to go folks. I know it's unbearable at the moment but is the uncontrollable retching necessary? Let he who has not squeezed a gaseous demon through their keyster cast the first stone!

I need something to help me relax. Sphincter muscles can't take much more. Fading fast. FUCK!

This is the worst day ever. Not only have I ruined everyone's sinuses for life, but these suit pants will never be the same. Thank goodness we've at least reached the ground floor.

Here's my card. Send me your dry-cleaning bills, I'll take care of everything. It's Peirera. Mike Peirera.

I'm sorry. I really am.

Posted by McLane at 1:01 PM 0 comments  

US to send team of coal miners to run in Beijing marathon

INDIANAPOLIS – Coming on the heels of Kenyan marathon record holder Haile Gebrselassie’s announcement that he would not compete in the Olympics because of concerns about China’s poor air quality, USA Track & Field today announced that they are sending a team of three coal miners from West Virginia to run in Beijing.

“Clearly, dealing with the air quality is going to be a huge factor in winning this race,” said USATF President Bill Roe. “We decided to go ‘outside of the box’ a bit to try and find people who are uniquely qualified to handle the unique respiratory challenges that our runners will face in Beijing. These miners have the heart, determination and the built-up resistance to toxic particles in their lungs to not just compete but to win.”

Roe said that a qualifying marathon will be held in Charlestown, West Virginia on May 16 to determine the three runners who will represent the United States in Beijing. To simulate the air quality conditions they will face in the Olympics, a fleet of 50 year-old municipal buses missing the catalytic converter will slowly drive just ahead of the runners.

However, runners in the qualifying race and in Beijing will have some relief. Roe said that all runners will be allowed to wear breathing devices that pump pure oxygen through a respiration system. Originally designed for use in cave-ins and other critical situations, Roe said the devices are the perfect fit for running in Beijing’s pollution.

“Sure, they may weigh 20 pounds, and that might slow our runners down a little bit, but at least we know they’ll finish and not pass out from an asthma attack or lack of oxygen,” Roe said. “Plus, these are tough guys who are used to working 18 hours a day in the harshest conditions known to man. Running for four hours with 20 pounds of equipment is practically a vacation for these guys.”

Roe may be right: already, hundreds of coal miners have signed up to compete in the qualifying marathon. One of them is Doug Miller, who has worked for 18 years in the coal mines outside of Thurman. Even though he has never run a marathon, or a race of any kind, Miller said he is looking forward to the opportunity.

“Today, I woke up at 4 a.m., and was lifting 100 lbs. of coal up a steep, two-mile tunnel for about 16 hours, with a half-hour break for lunch,” Miller said. “The marathon is what, four hours long? Yeah, I’m really, really worried about ‘hitting the wall’ at the 24^th mile.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:32 AM 2 comments  

A celebration of drunken jerkwads at the LA Coliseum

In case you missed it, this past Saturday night was the big exhibition game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Boston Red Sox at the LA Coliseum. And yes, it was a gimmick, mainly to pad the Dodgers' attendance statistics for the season, but it worked - there was probably more buzz around town for this game than any Dodger game since the 1988 World Series. I chose not to go, for this simple reason:

(Asshole Dodger fans + Asshole Red Sox fans) * a ton of alcohol = a miserable experience

Seriously, I know people who were getting there at 8 a.m. to start tailgating. This is for a game that started at 7 p.m. I've done my share of tailgating there before USC games, but even for me, starting things out a solid 11 hours before the first pitch seems excessive.

Needless to say, I was basically right, if the stories I've heard from friends who did go to the game are any indication. I'll pass along one story relayed to me by a friend who witnessed this whole encounter while standing in (a huge) line waiting to use the urinals:

Drunk Red Sox fan is rambling on and on to anyone within ear shot about World Series rings, Boston sports, and their general superiority to sports from any other city - especially Los Angeles. So, your basic Boston sports fan. Directly behind him in line is a gentleman who is about 6'5", 250 pounds, wearing a Dodgers hat, Raiders jersey and a mean scowl. The Red Sox fan turns to him and says (in the middle of a rant about how Red Sox fans are so awesome that they turn any road game into a home game): "Thanks for coming out to our stadium toni-"

The last part was a bit clipped, on account of the Dodger fan leaning back and cold-cocking the Red Sox fan before he could finish the sentence. He fell, out cold, onto the ground, as his three friends took one look at the hulk brute who just decked their buddy and turned away, their eyes as big as saucers.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of that. I don't advocate violence of any kind, and it's exactly that kind of fan that makes me not want to bring my daughter to sporting events in Los Angeles anymore (especially USC games - thanks for your "support", Raider fans, but we'd rather you found something else to do). But at the same time...if anyone ever "has it coming to them", it's a loudmouth Red Sox fan.

Also of note: if you saw any of the game, you saw that they had a giant net instead of a "Green Monster" type fence in LF, since it was about 220 feet down the LF line. Which would have been fine, except that apparently in batting practice, they didn't have the net tight enough. So, several people apparently got beaned with line drives from about 200 feet away, because the net gave so much that the ball hit them anyway.

Good time, indeed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:08 AM 3 comments  

US Military Ask Weis to Please Not Try to Motivate Troops in Middle East

KUWAIT CITY - Top US military officials today implored Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis to "please not derail things any more than they are" by attempting to use his "obviously deficient" motivational skills when he visits US forces in the Middle East in May with a group of college coaches.

"Coalition forces have made great strides since the troop surge," said Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "Being a Navy man, I can tell you that the last thing we need is this joker giving a speech to the troops and setting us back three years."

Mullen added that Weis was welcome to join the group of coaches on their trip, provided that he didn't speak or make eye contact with any of the troops, and brought his own food and "kept his fat hands" off of the troops' MREs.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:09 PM 0 comments  

Recapping Last Night (Or So)

- Louisville is going to win the tournament, aren't they? It sure ain't gonna be UCLA if their "performances" in the past two rounds are any indictation.
- US soccer wins in Europe...again? 3-0 over Poland, who is a decent team. Maybe Bob Bradley was a better choice than Jurgen Klinsman after all.
- Oh yeah, the baseball season started a few days ago. You know, a full week before "Opening Day"...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:42 PM 0 comments  

Ken Griffey Jr. Carefully Bubble-Wrapped, Hermitically Sealed Before Start of Season

SARASOTA, FL - A team of Cincinnati Reds personnel, assisted by antiquities professors and experts from the Smithsonian Institute, began preparing injury-prone Cincinnati Reds slugger Ken Griffey Jr. for shipment back to Cincinnati for the start of the regular season on April 1.

The time-intensive procedure involves several days of wrapping Griffey in specially-designed wraps, originally used for transporting relics and mummies from ancient Egyptian archaeological sites to labs for DNA testing. This process can take up to three days, team officials said.

"We have to take special care with his extremities," said Reds special assistant trainer Stephen Mandelbaum, a professor of archeology at Columbia University. "The points where his limbs attach to his torso bear a lot of weight, and you can get a lot of stress fractures in that area."

Mandelbaum explained that the procedure is similar to creating a custom mold for Griffey to rest in while being transported that can cushion him from any potentially destructive jostling. The mold has to be remade every season, Mandelbaum explained, to account for any additional weight or casts that Griffey has picked up in the off-season.

Through careful shipping and handling, Mandelbaum said the team hopes that Griffey can play in at least 130 games this season. The Reds added Mandelbaum and other leading academics last season as a response to what is commonly known as the Griffey Shipping Fiasco of 2006, when junior team staffers, left to handle the assignment, forgot to poke breathing holes in the crate Griffey was being shipped in and forgot to mark it at fragile. Griffey suffered slight oxygen deprivation and several other minor injuries, causing him to miss three-quarters of the season.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:28 AM 1 comments  

Stanford walk-on heroically holds back teammates after winning shot by Lopez

ANAHEIM - Stanford coaches and players praised little-used back-up center Tyler Daniels for the job he did holding back his teammates on the bench after Brook Lopez's jumper with 1.3 left in overtime to give the Cardinal an 82-81 win over Marquette in the second round of the NCAA men's basketball tournament.

"In the time out before the last play, our No. 1 concern wasn't drawing up a play - it was making sure that someone kept our bench players off the court when we made it," said Stanford assistant coach Doug Oliver. "Tyler's been waiting all season for just this moment, and he made the most of it."

Several of Daniels' teammates, lost in euphoria of Lopez's shot, jumped out of their seats at the end of the bench in a way that looked like they might storm the court in spite of the game not technically being over. Daniels, however, was ready, having extended his arms to full reach before the shot even went up in anticipation of such a situation.

"I spend an hour each day after practice working on my technique - spreading my arms out really wide, blocking any access to the floor by overexcited teammates," Daniels said after the game. "You put in all that hard work for an opportunity like this. It feels great to know that after four seasons and 15 total minutes, I could contribute something when the game was on the line."

Lopez, for his part, said it was "a highlight of his career" at Stanford to be able to make the shot and help set up Daniels' heroics.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:01 PM 0 comments