Giants keep it close
Patriots pull away late
Petty is no Prince
Feb 1, 2008
Jan 31, 2008
Comedic Value of Mike Tyson in South Africa Puts Blog Writer in a Coma
LOS ANGELES – Blogger Richard Manfredi, a New York Times noted expert on sports and humor, was found in his apartment yesterday in an apparently paralytic state after trying to comprehend the comedic possibilities of Mike Tyson’s recent trip to
Manfredi had sent the original story to Mark “fkn” McLane, a co-writer on the blog Your Face is a Sports Blog, at roughly 2 p.m. with the message “OMG OMG OMG!” Manfredi did not respond to multiple responses from McLane, who eventually called
The story involved Jacob Zuma, the leader of
Manfredi was rushed to
“We think that, after seeing the story, Mr. Manfredi’s brain had trouble processing all of the different comedic possibilities, while balancing the fact that trying to make light of any story involving sexual abuse and HIV is a tricky task at best,” said Dr. Winfield Jones, a neurosurgeon heading up Manfredi’s treatment team. “At some point, he believe that too many neurons were firing at the same time, and that he essentially overloaded the part of cortex that deals with humor. In short, he fried his brain.”
Doctors are taking a “wait and see” approach to Manfredi’s recovery. He is currently being kept in a sound-proof isolation chamber in an attempt to minimize any stress placed on his fragile psyche.
Jan 30, 2008
Plans for All You Can Eat Section at NASCAR Track Frightening Waste Management Experts
DARLINGTON, SC - The nation's leading waste management experts were alternately "shocked," "frightened" and "appalled" by the announcement today that Darlington Motor Speedway would offer an All You Can Eat food option for fans attending the NASCAR race held at the track on May 10.
Under the new plan - which is modeled on similar successful plans at baseball stadiums such as Dodger Stadium - for $60, adults can receive a ticket for a grandstand seat and unlimited hamburgers, hot dogs, snack items and soft drinks.
John Dickson, a consultant with over 30 years of waste management experience, shuddered at the concept.
"Even under normal circumstances, hundreds of thousands of NASCAR fans place an enormous strain on the infrastructure of not just a track, but an entire city," Dickson said. "Offering fans all the burgers and hot dogs they can eat is just asking for a sewage disaster of epic proportions."
Dickson outlined several catastrophic scenarios from these plans:
With a huge increase in fried, greasy food being consumed, the restrooms at the track could become so full that it is impossible to use them during the race. Dickson: "I would say this is pretty much the best case scenario."
The sheer volume of waste matter going through the toilets could be so massive that it could back up the entire sewage system for the entire Darlington area. Dickson: "Have you ever heard the phrase 'trying to put 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound sack?' This is like trying to put millions of pounds of crap into that sack. You could have a complete breakdown in the sewage system in the area."
The high concentration of human waste could also create a methane cloud that could hover over the track and put the fans and drivers at risk of poisoning. Dickson: "If nothing else, the smell is going to be like a million hobos in a sauna - you'll pray for a cold so that you can't smell."
Dickson also warned that the high volume of food will also be exacerbated by the heavy amount of drinking that takes place at NASCAR races. He warns that this could make the sewage system problem just as bad the next morning, due to a phenomenon known in the waste management industry as "the beer shits."
In a related note, NASCAR announced that the May 10 race at Darlington would be renamed the Andy Gump Port-A-Potty 500.
The Guy from Hermans Head, a Dwarf, and a Bunch of Pissed Off Japanese Tourists
This is only marginally sports-related, but it's so cool that I thought it was worth mentioning. This is from the blog of Ken Levine, who along with being a writer/director/producer for such shows as Cheers, Frasier, MASH, The Simpsons, and about 50 or so others, has also worked as a play-by-play man for the Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres and Baltimore Orioles. In short, he's lived a much, much better, more interesting life than you or I could ever imagine.
This weekend, Levine posted an an "unfortunate" audience story. It involved a show he was directing called Brother's Keeper that starred William Ragsdale (Herman from Herman's Head, a very underrated show) as a father with a son, blah blah blah. Because of child labor laws, they could only use the kid actor for shooting. So for rehearsals, blocking, etc., they relied on a stand-in: a middle-aged dwarf that was about the same size as the kid.
At some point, a Japanese tour group comes in too watch a taping. Remembering that none of them speak English, here is the first thing they see:
Me, making a guy in his 30’s scold a middle-aged dwarf to such a degree that the dwarf breaks down crying and runs from the set.Guessing by their usual game show fare, they probably were offended that Levine didn't force the dwarf to eat some high school girl's panties. Oh, those wacky Japanese.
They were appalled! Outraged! As one, they got up and marched out, glaring at me and calling me things that did not need any translation.
Needless to say I have not been invited to direct any Japanese sitcoms. And I don’t think Billy Ragsdale has had too many offers to appear over there either.
Jan 29, 2008
Report: Santana Traded to the Mets
According to USA Today's Bob Nightengale, the New York Mets have acquired two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana from the Minnesota Twins in exchange for four minor-league prospects. On the surface, the deal seems OK for the Twins: the four players (pitchers Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey and outfielder Carlos Gomez) are four of the Mets' top seven prospects, according to Baseball America.
But here's the weird part - not part of the deal was Fernando Martinez, the Mets' No. 1 prospect in their farm system - he's listed by Baseball America as their leading prospect on the team at hitting for power and average. It's baffling to me that - when trading away arguably the best pitcher in baseball, that you wouldn't get the other team's No. 1 prospect as part of the package. Especially since it was rumored that adding Martinez to the trade was crucial for the Twins to make the deal with the Mets.
The Twins had earlier set today as the deadline for offers from interested teams. Unless you believe the rumors echoed by The Twins Geek, that Santana imposed the deadline himself. No matter what, it certainly didn't help the Twins get the best deal possible. Needless to say, the fans commenting at Twinkie Town have been less than unanimous in their support.
So, we'll see. Martinez could flame out (he struggled in his call up to Double-A last season, but he is very young) and Gomez could be a future Hall of Famer. But it's hard to look at that trade without thinking there is a lot more celebration in the Mets' offices today than in the Twins'
Quick Hits
- In stunning news, the always-excellent Tom Hoffarth of the Los Angeles Daily News reports that the 2008 Lingerie Bowl has been canceled (for the second consecutive year) because of bungling from the promoters. Sounds like these guys are about as with it as the marketing team behind the NHL All-Star Game (that was this weekend, in case you didn't know. Which you didn't.)
- Following up our story yesterday on Kevin Love being heckled mercilessly by Oregon fans, here's a fan sign that is creative, well-done and isn't too personal. Well done, kid. The Duke abides.
- The Seattle Times on-going investigation of the 2000 Washington Huskies shows a level of malfeasance, corruption and lack of morals that, even for a cynical sports fan like me, is pretty shocking. As Deadspin pointed out, everyone associated with the team seem like horrible people. You'll want to bathe after reading the stories, just to get the filth off. And the head coach of that 2000 Huskies' team? Rick Neuheisel. Should be some...interesting times...at Westwood the next few seasons.
Indianapolis Announces Super Bowl Bid Slogan
INDIANAPOLIS - Civic leaders today kicked off the city's bid for the 2012 Super Bowl by unveiling the slogan for the campaign in a ceremony outside of the RCA Dome. Leaders hope that "It Can't Be Worse Than Detroit" will drive across the key points they hope to impress upon NFL executives in their bid to host the Super Bowl.
"I mean, after they had the Super Bowl in Detroit in 2006, I guess they're letting any city with an NFL team and a domed stadium host it," said Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard. "This slogan serves as an opportunity to remind owners and NFL executives of where they've had past Super Bowls, and the type of precedent that has set. We might not be the biggest city in the world, but hey, we're not Detroit!"
Ballard pointed out the many attractive qualities of Indianapolis and fun activities visitors could take part in while visiting the city for a Super Bowl. They include:
- Using the cold Indiana winter weather as a chance to explore the high quality of the heaters in the city's many hotels.
- Take in a game featuring one of Indiana's star-studded winter sports teams, such as the Indiana Pacers and...the Indiana Pacers.
- Drive 30 minutes to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and see what an empty race track looks like.
- Visit the Indianapolis Zoo and see examples of local wildlife native to Indiana, including the pig, cow, horse, mule and farm dog.
- Go to the Connor Prairie Museum and experience life on a rural farm in the Pioneer days. Or, visit any farm 10 miles or more outside of Indianapolis and see basically the same thing.
- Explore all of the fine dining and nightlife options Indianapolis has to offer. After this, plan your second day in the city.
- Sit quietly in your hotel room, wondering if Fresno would be more exciting.
Jan 28, 2008
Quick Hits
- Former USC, Arizona and Missouri head coach Larry Smith died today in Tucson after a lengthy illness. He was 68. At least he lived long enough to see someone come along who would ensure that he wasn't remembered as the worst coach in modern USC history.
- Speaking of USC, I don't know if you got a chance to watch the game against Oregon on Saturday, but it was a doozy. USC "blew" a 14-point lead against the Ducks (and I put "blew" in quotes just because USC didn't play that mad down the stretch - Oregon was just unconscious from beyond the arc in the final three minutes), but still got off the deck to win in overtime. OJ Mayo scored 25 while dealing with persistent leg cramps (and having briefly been declared ineligible by the NCAA and then made eligible again after the whole free ticket mess), while Daniel Hackett and Dwight Lewis each had career-highs with 26 and 24 points each.
- Speaking of Oregon...coach Ernie Kent had to go out before the USC game and implore the student section to behave in an appropriate manner. This was on the heels of the game against UCLA on Thursday, which was the homecoming for Kevin Love. Needless to say, when Ben Howland uses the terms "vile," "inappropriate" and "disgusting" to describe the fans, it's pretty bad:
"One fan brandished a homemade placard alluding to the cocaine use of Love's cousin, Brian Wilson, of the Beach Boys. Others waved signs displaying the digits of Love's cell phone number or questioning his sexual orientation. And at one point, the entire sea of yellow-shirted Oregon students showered Love with profane taunts and screams of delight when he left the game after being poked in the eye."
I'm sure a lot of it was inappropriate and borderline awful...but referencing a coked-to-the-tits Brian Wilson? That's just funny. And terrible. But funny.
- And by "the luck of the draw," Premiership leaders Manchester United and Arsenal will face each other in the Round 16 of the FA Cup. It seems about as "random" as Triple H and John Cena drawing the Nos. 29 and 30 pills at the Royal Rumble last night - who knew Mr. McMahon was a soccer fan, much less ran the English FA?
South Beats North in Senior Bowl, Avenges Civil War
MOBILE, AL - Florida's Andre Caldwell scored on a two-yard touchdown run as time expired to give the South a dramatic 17-16 victory over the North in the Senior Bowl on Saturday. And even though it was an exhibition game, it still served as vindication for millions of fans of the South still hurting from the last meaningful clash between these two bitter rivals - the Civil War.
"Boy, we said that The South Would Rise Again, and we meant it," said Grady Alexander, a gas station attendant from Mobile who bought tickets to the game - a match-up showcasing graduating seniors to NFL scouts - after hearing of the North vs. South team match-ups. "Those Yankees never knew what hit 'em."
Celebrations spread quickly through the South after the game. Thousands of fans in cities throughout the region took to the streets to celebrate, waving giant Rebel flags as a way to to their Southern pride, but not at all in a racist way. The most serious incident was in South Carolina, where a group of Civil War reenactors calling themselves "The Sons of the Sons of the Confederacy" attempted to capture of the gift shop at the Fort Sumner Museum and "liberate" the T-shirts, pins, and fridge magnets "as war loot."
Caldwell (pictured, right) was apprehensive when asked after the game how it felt to give so much pride back to white Southerners.
"Umm...I'm not sure I scored, actually," he said. "I might have stepped out of bounds, or have been lined up off the line of scrimmage. Or maybe we had 12 men on the field. I think I should, in the spirit of fair play, report these things to the ref so that the final score can be overturned."
Jan 27, 2008
Patriots Downplay Reports That Brady is a Zombie
FOXBOROUGH, MA - As they continued preparations for next week's Super Bowl, The New England Patriots sought to downplay another mystery involving quarterback Tom Brady, dismissing reports that Tom Brady had been turned into a lifeless, blood-thirsty zombie as "highly speculative."
"Right now, there's no reason to suspect that Tom isn't going to be playing next Sunday, so for me this is a non-issue," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick at the Patriots' practice facilities. "This is just like the so-called 'Bootgate' - one picture that appears to show Tom feasting on the still-fresh remains of human, and things just get blown out of proportion."
Speculation on Brady's condition intensified on Sunday, as a battery of scientists, priests and voodoo practitioners filed in and out of the Patriots' training area, which was closed to reporters. Some reporters also noticed large quantities of field mice, rats, gerbils and other small mammals being shipped to the facilities, but Belichick said these were part of "normal game week preparations."
"It's just something we do every week, and certainly not because we're trying to keep Tom satisfied with warm animal meat until we can find a cure," Belichik said. "You media guys just don't pay attention to our preparations until the Super Bowl."
Brady was last spotted in public Saturday morning, after having returned from a short trip in Jamaica with his girlfriend, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to an event raising awareness for the "Help People Who Appear to be Soulless and Have a Taste for Human Flesh, Especially Brains Foundation". Brady was photographed by paparazzi with a large bandage on his neck, which he said came from "an overzealous fan at the event."
Brady himself was mostly silent on the matter, stating only "aaarrr, uggghhh, aarrrrr" while leaving team headquarters, before stopping briefly to eat a stringer from the Associated Press. Witnesses said that Brady did not appear to be limping as he slowly chased down, killed, and devoured the brain and other flesh of the unnamed reporter.
Randy Moss briefly addressed the situation in his locker room following the game, and echoed the comments of his teammates, who said that they unanimously expected Brady to start and perform well against the New York Giants, even if it was just the quarterback's flesh-eating, reanimated corpse.
"You tell me, who would you rather have: a zombie Tom Brady, or Eli Manning," Moss said. "No contest for me. Tom's got that killer instinct anyways, so even if he is a zombie, and I'm not saying he is, this can only help him. I don't think Michael Strahan is going to be wanting to get close enough to sack Tom on Sunday, and that's all I have to say about that."
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