Big Huge Labs has a fun program where you can make your own "Motivational" poster. You know, the one that your cheesy boss has of a rock climber that says something like "Endurance: Having the grit to hang tough"? So I thought, there are certainly some posters that could be made involving athletes in the news.
| Kobe Bryant: |
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| Javon Walker: |
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| Tiger Woods: |
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| Michael Wilbon: |
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First, please watch this video:
Now, I'm sure you're asking "who the hell is Brian Scalabrine"? Well, he's a back-up forward for the Celtics known more for being a "good luck charm" by riding an exercise bike when the Celtics are rallying than anything he's done on the court. While playing with the Nets earlier in his career, he distinguished himself by forgetting to wear his shorts underneath his sweats, a fact he only realized after he was surprised to find himself actually called into a game and started to remove his pants. Whoops.
And oh, yeah, he went to USC. So did Gabe Pruitt. So, congrats to them, although I did about as much to earn a championship ring as they did.
LOS ANGELES - Cal Tech researchers reported that a massive earth movement that registered 4.3 on the Richter scale Tuesday night was not an earthquake as previously thought, but the result of hundreds of thousands of small Laker flags being thrown to the ground in disgust after the team's series-clinching 131-92 defeat by the Boston Celtics in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.
The jolt was felt by people as far north as Merced and as far east as Phoenix at 8:54 p.m. Pacific time. Cal Tech researchers admitted that they were puzzled by the event.
"Of course, your first reaction is that this must be an earthquake, but it became apparent quickly from the data that there was no epicenter and in fact the impact was felt equally across the area," said Lucy Davis, a seismologist at Cal Tech. "It wasn't until we left the lab for the evening and saw the streets littered with hundreds of suction-cupped Lakers flags with tire tracks on them that we were able to piece this together."
Davis warned that something similar to aftershocks could be expected over the next few days, caused by Laker fans simultaneously slamming their garage doors as they put remaining Laker flags away for the next 11 months.
Not to burst the bubble of my esteemed colleague, who seems to think that his daughter personally jinxed the Lakers and doomed them to a collapse similar to a Jenga tower built by Michael J. Fox (Editor's note: too soon?), but she was not responsible for what happened. No, the blame squarely rests on the shoulders of an organization known to be so corrupt, evil and Machiavellian that it's obvious that they would be responsible for this.
I'm, of course, talking about the New York Yankees.
Think back to before Game 4, when Curt Schilling blogged about sitting behind the Lakers bench for Game 2, and how Kobe wouldn't stop yelling at his teammates. First, let's concede that Schilling is an idiot and a lout - the fact that he is an athlete that is universally hated by bloggers despite being a blogger himself (usually an instant path to Blog Crush City) is proof enough of how transparent his self-promoting, blowhard ways are.
The problem came from Kobe's response when asked about Schilling's comments: "Go Yankees." Now, at first blush, that's a fun, innocuous comment that's good for a chuckle. But you have to be in Los Angeles and know the history to know that Kobe saying "Go Yankees" was not just tempting fate, but basically was A Hot, Blonde, Teenaged Hotel Worker in Vail for fate. (Editor's note: too so...never mind.)
I know Kobe spent most of his time in Italy, or Bulgaria, or wherever the hell he grew up, so his idea of a rivalry is his ego vs. Shaq's ego AC Milan vs. Juventes, but for people with any sense of history, the leading figure in the Los Angeles sports scene saying "Go Yankees" is the equivalent of Abraham Lincoln waving a Rebel flag while singing Dixie and beating a slave. (Maybe not quite that bad, but you get the point.)
The Yankees and the Dodgers have always hated each other, as long as there has been baseball, and the Dodgers moving from Brooklyn in the 1950s did little to change that. Things really were bad in the late 1970s and early 1980s. The Yankees beat the Dodgers in the World Series back to back in 1977 and 1978 before Los Angeles was able to extract some revenge in 1981. Tommy Lasorda would be spinning in his grave if he knew that the Lakers' star player was saying "Go Yankees."
(I've been told that Tommy Lasorda is still alive. Please substitute "his grave" for "the bed of a high-class call girl". Thanks.)
Frankly, Kobe's lucky that he wasn't struck by lightening, or that a plague of locusts didn't invade the Staples Center. At least he has booze to ease the pain.
In case you missed it on Monday, there was a story that broke featuring allegations that, if true, could potentially be so damaging as to cripple an entire sport. No, I'm not talking about Tim Donaghy's attempt to go down in a Tony Montana-like hail of bullets by claiming that Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference finals was fixed. (The main problem the NBA has in that regard is the lack of shock that fans would have to that being true, even before Donaghy opened his maw. The fact that the latest Fox Sports poll shows that almost 80 percent of fans think that the fix was in on that game tells me that there was a fair amount of distrust of the NBA in general.)
No, I'm talking about NASCAR, and the $225 million discrimination lawsuit brought by a former tecnhnical inspector who is black and female. Obviously, it will be up to the courts to decide exactly what did or didn't happen, but Mauricia Grant's allegations make NASCAR seem like it's being run by some combination of Marge Schott, Isiah Thomas and this LSU baseball fan. Among some of the "highlights" of the allegations in her lawsuit:
Mississippi State baseball coach Ron Polk retired this season after 35 seasons and 1,373 wins to his name. As you might expect, he thought he should have some say in the hiring of his successor, backing longtime assistant coach (and former player under him) Tommy Raffo. However, Mississippi State recently brought in a new athletic director, Greg Byrne. And he, for obvious reasons, wanted to put his own stamp on the athletic department, and decided to hire Kentucky coach John Cohen.
Big mistake.
Polk is, as they say down South, madder than a toothless dog with a bone. (I don't know if they actually say that; I might have mixed up my Southern sayings with the wisdom of Ed Anger.) Polk has ripped into Byrne, said that he is "on the war path" and has vowed to "do everything I can to make his life miserable."
Among Polk's plans to protest the "snub" of Raffo are:
Every year, you can go through the college football schedule and find several games involving national title contenders that just jump out at you as all sorts of potential trouble. It doesn't always work out that way - sometimes the "better" team does what they are supposed to do and takes care of business. But sometimes these games lead to dogfights...and upsets.
As a wise, squid-faced Admiral once said...
IT'S A TRAP!
Here are five games to watch out for this season as games with the potential to change the title chase.
Oklahoma @ Washington (Sept. 13): Washington is either going to be one of the surprise teams in college football this season, or else the Huskies will be in the familiar role of conducting a search for a new head coach at the end of the season. Jake Locker is going to be a handful for the Sooners' defense to control, and if he has matured as a passer over the off-season, look out. Plus, we all know what happened the last time Oklahoma ventured to the Pacific Northwest.
Georgia vs. Central Michigan (Sept. 6): With all the talk of the Murder's Row that Georgia has for itself in terms of their schedule this year, and with their SEC opener against The Ol' Ball Coach the following week, it would be understandable if the Bulldogs look past Central Michigan. They shouldn't. The Chippewas have stud QB Dan LeFevour, who joined Vince Young last season as the only two QBs to pass for 3,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. Now, Central Michigan's defense isn't nearly good enough to slow down, much less stop, Georgia's offense. But don't be surprised if this isn't more of a shootout and a lot closer than people would think.
LSU vs. Appalachian State (Aug. 30): I don't think we need to explain why this could be a dangerous game for the Tigers. But still, knowing what Appalachian State did last season, there's no way that LSU overlooks the Mountaineers, right? Right?
Texas vs. Florida Atlantic (Aug. 30): Remember who Texas let Arkansas State hang around in last season's opener before stumbling their way to a 21-13 victory? That wasn't the first time they've had trouble with supposed "easy" victories under Mack Brown. If they pull the same stunt against Florida Atlantic - the class of the Sun Belt - they might not be so lucky. FAU QB Rusty Smith (which is kind of a dirty name if you work really hard to make it so) threw for more than 3,600 yards and 32 TDs last year. And Owls head coach Howard Schnellenberger isn't going to be intimidated by the name on the other team's jerseys. This could be big, big trouble for the Longhorns.
Wisconsin @ Fresno St. (Sept. 13): It's one thing to schedule a game against the "giant killers" from the Central Valley. It's another thing to schedule one at their place. From personal experience, I can tell you that it's going to be witheringly hot at Bulldog Stadium, and the atmosphere should be insane. It's not going to help the Badgers that this might be Pat Hill's best team ever at Fresno St. This is less "trap" and more "giant flashing sign that says Uh Oh."
Now, nobody loves a good ol' fashioned baseball fight like yours truly. Nothing like a dust-up to inject some life into a game. However, there's such a thing as too much. A five or ten-minute brawl? Sure, that's great. But one that takes more than 50 minutes to break up and sort out? That just seems...excessive.
But that's exactly what happened in Modesto, CA on Saturday as the Class-A California League Modesto Nuts (please, no jokes...OK, feel free to make jokes) threw down with the Stockon Ports (not named after the desert wine, unfortunately) for almost an hour of haymakers, body blows and lots of guys rolling around in the grass with each other. And it wasn't just your usual baseball fight, usually consisting of a couple of guys flailing their arms like elementary school girls in what could very loosely be called "punching" before everyone spills out and proceeds to hug each other for a few minutes. No, this was a full scale, Pier 6 brawl. Ask one of the Ports' relievers, who broke bones in his face after eating some punches and will likely miss the rest of the year.
The best part of all of this? It happened during the one inning per game that the Nuts designated as $1 beer inning. So (factoring in the rest of the inning) for more than an hour, you could get $1 beers from the concession stands. Who says nothing ever comes from violence!
No word on if the 7th Inning Stretch was renamed the 7th Inning Puke on Your Neighbor.
BELMONT, NY - As an inspection the day after Big Brown's stunning last-place finish at the Belmont Stakes found nothing physically wrong with the Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner, a cloud of suspicion fell over the racing world as allegations surfaced that the champion horse may have thrown the race in order to pay off heavy gambling debts incurred during a trip to Atlantic City with Charles Barkley the previous weekend.
Pictures circulated online today showing a horse bearing a striking resemblance to Big Brown at the betting window at Belmont Park early Saturday morning. Belmont Park officials also reported that a bettor who identified himself as "I. Horse" collected a $2,000 bet on Belmont Stakes winner Da'Tara, a 30 to 1 underdog. The winning ticket, shown to reporters at a press conference, smelled of manure and was covered in apple and carrot stains.
Several witnesses have come forward anonymously to paint a portrait of a star horse thrust into the national spotlight and unable to cope with the pressure. One person, an insider with ties to the horse who would only identify himself as "Kent", said that the issues became worse after the Preakness when he "began running with celebrities" and getting into a fast and loose lifestyle. The worst influence on Big Brown was former NBA great Charles Barkley, a noted gambler who recently settled a case involving a large sum of money owed to a Las Vegas casino.
"The weekend before the race, I heard that Charles was going to be in town and I knew it was bad news," said "Kent." "The next thing I know, I'm hearing these stories about tens of thousands of dollars begin lost at the blackjack table, and all sorts of...well...ugly things."
"Kent" said that he had heard rumors that Big Brown, 3, had run into trouble at one casino after being caught trying to implement a crude "card counting" system.
"Apparently, it was the same system those M.I.T. kids used in that movie," said "Kent." "The problem is that, like all horses, Big Brown has to rely on a rudimentary system of stomping to count. That was a dead giveaway. From what I heard, a few goons roughed him up pretty good - let's just say that he didn't get that 'cracked hoof' from running too many practice laps."
Although he admits that Big Brown should have known better, "Kent" said that Barkley clearly led him down the wrong path.
"I mean, Big Brown can't afford to be a high rolling gambler," said "Kent." "He gets paid in oats - literally. And the second Big Brown really got in a bad way, suddenly Charles is all 'hey, I gotta go run off to LA to shoot a new commercial with D-Wade and he's gone. Some friend, huh?"
National Horse Racing Association officials said that if the allegations were true, they would mark the darkest moment in horse racing history since "that last really bad scandal we had a few weeks ago about...I forget which one that was - doping...cheating...overuse?"
Big Brown offered a simple "Neigh Comment" when reached by this reporter.
In soccer, they are called "goalkeepers" - you use the term "goaltenders" in hockey. Also, when you throw to the announce team that is going to call the US vs. Argentina friendly, the color guy's name is pronounced "Harks" - the "e" is silent. Since he's a US Soccer Hall of Famer and the network's lead soccer analyst, you might want to get that straight.
Hope this helps,
The Duke
P.S. Just as a good rule of thumb - when you are talking, take a look at Andy Gray - he's the Scottish guy sitting to your left that seems to actually know a lot about the sport...no, not the chick - that's Julie Foudy. Anyway, if he is clutching his pencil like he wants to use it as a weapon to jam into your windpipe to shut you up, you probably are off on the wrong track.
