The Handicapable Challenge, Week 2: Part II

OK, so I have to keep the momentum up after going 3-2 last week. It's not a lot of momentum, mind you. Glacial, even. But like I said earlier, a winning week is a winning week.

NCAA:

Wisconsin @ Ohio St. (-15.5): Wow. I know that this is a "different" Ohio State team, and that Tressel Ball is dead, and that this is a dynamic, explosive offense and hey, didn't you see how good they looked against Penn St. last week? Maybe I'm stubborn, but I seem to remember that this is the same team that struggled mightily against Michigan St. AT HOME two games ago. And that there is always at least one game each season where OSU manages to make an easy win way too difficult.

I don't think Wisconsin is all that great, but they are better than Penn St., and again, Ohio St. having to give that many points against a Top 20 team? It's Ohio (yawn) St.!

Pick: Wisconsin (+15.5)

San Jose St. @ Boise St. (-25.5): Now, usually I would have no problem laying 25.5 with Boise St. at home. But a few things to consider here:

Boise St. is coming off of a really big road win against Fresno St. last week
Ian Johnson may not play again this week, and if he does I'm sure he won't be 100 percent.
Even though Boise St. has won the last three years, each game has been a lot closer than you think it would be.

This is a game where I know the team I'm betting on won't win, but I feel very good that they can keep it close.

Pick: San Jose St. (+25.5)

Cincinnati @ South Florida (-4.5): The home team has won the last four meetings pretty comfortably. South Florida still hasn't lost at home. And Cincinnati has a negative turnover margin in conference games and in October. Not good against a South Florida team that thrives on ball control and capitalizing on mistakes.

Pick: South Florida (-4.5)

NFL:

Denver @ Detroit (-3): Thanks to Jon Kitna deciding to poke fun at a Lions' assistant coach getting drunk and driving naked through a drive-through last year, this is a "week of adversity" for the team. Normally, I'd say that for a Cinderalla team like Detroit that has no business being 5-2, any adversity would be enough to push them towards collapse. I mean, they are the Lions.

But two things are at play here: a) I don't think this is a controversy at all within the team, and if anything it might create one of those "us against the World" scenarios millionaire athletes feed on (re: New England Patriots) and b) they are playing the Broncos, who about as close to a "can't miss" prospect to not cover as we have in the NFL. They are 1-6 Against the Spread (ATS) this year and 6-18 in their last 24 games overall. Basically, Vegas (or the betting public) hasn't caught up yet to the fact that these aren't the same Broncos teams of even a couple of seasons ago. Mike Shanahan's magic is gone - teams have figured out "the system" and it turns out that you sometimes do need more talent at running back than just plugging in rejects and 5th round draft picks.

Until Vegas figures this out, keep riding the anti-Orange Crush.

Pick: Detroit (-3)

New England @ Indianapolis (+5.5): So the defending Super Bowl champions, who are: a) undefeated, b) look better defensively than last year, c) have beaten two straight division rivals with winning records on the road, d) have maybe the best QB ever and e) oh yeah, are at home, are almost a touchdown underdog in any game?

Excuse me for a minute; my eyes just bugged out of my head like Roger Rabbit.

You know which teams are usually underdogs by that much at home? The Raiders. The Bils. The Cardinals. The Vikings. In other words, the worst of the worst, not the defending champions who have been steamrolling everyone in their own right.

Look, for all of New England's offensive fireworks so far this season, Bill Belachick does not want to get into a shootout against Peyton Manning - it's as simple as that. And Tony Dungy is not going to let the Patriots fire away downfield all game. The Colts are going to force New England to run - maybe they can and maybe they can't, but they aren't going to put up 40 points that way. New England might win, but we all know it's coming down to the end of the game.

Pick: Indianapolis (+5.5)

Bonus pick: Arizona St. gets drilled by Oregon harder that a wildcatter in an unclaimed spot of Texas land. Oregon 34, Arizona St. 13.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:51 PM 0 comments  

What Not to Watch: 10/31

Because hiding razor blades in candy apples requires too much concentration to try to do while watch bad sports programming on TV.(All time Pacific.)

• College Basketball Exhibition: Quincy @ Illinois (6 p.m., Big Ten Network) - Tonight on Quincy: was it an "accidental" car crash, or was it something more sinister? Quincy gets to the bottom of things by hanging out on his houseboat and checking out hot girls in bikinis for skin cancer while Sam gets stuck doing the real work.
• 19th Hole (Golf Channel, 6:30 p.m.) - A half-hour of John Daly getting drunk, eating beer peanuts and playing the Tri Towers game at the Touchmaster 3000 machine at the end of the bar.
• Best Damned Sports Show Period: Halloween Special (FSN, 8 p.m.) - Watch as John Salley sets a bag of flaming dog poop on the doorstep of former host Tom Arnold. Hilarity ensues!
• Classic Bull Riding: 2005 PRCA Extreme Bulls (ESPN Classic, 8 p.m.) - These are regular bulls, these are EXTREME!!! Remember, this is 2005, before they started testing bulls for Vault Energy Drink.
• NBA Developmental League Pre-Draft Show (NBATV, 9 p.m.) - I know there's been a lot of debate on who the Colorado 14ers will select first: Trey Johnson or Curtis Sumpter. Actually, even Mel Kiper Jr. thinks a pre-draft show for what is essentially the NBA's minor league is a crock of crap.
  

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:12 PM 0 comments  

NBA Regular Season Starting is a Shock to Everyone

I was going to do this as a fake news story, but the more I've been thinking about this, the more I think it deserves it's own, serious post. The NBA regular season started last night with a full slate of games. Seriously. If you're like me, this was a huge surprise, since there was relatively no fanfare for it in the days leading up to last night. (TBS did a 350 percent better job of informing me about Frank TV - which premieres on Nov. 20, if you didn't know - during the MLB playoffs than the NBA or its broadcast partners did letting me know about the start of the regular season.)

Did you have any trouble remembering when Opening Night was for the NFL? No, of course you didn't - they've turned it into a national holiday and extravaganza, complete with live elephants, half-naked women on the trapeze, Dangerous Dan Fillipi on the Roundabout of Death, and Peyton Manning. Complain about the length of the preseason all you want, but every game builds to Opening Night. Even MLB does a better job of making a big deal out of the Opening Night. The NBA? It's seemingly weeks of Summer Leagues and exhibition games in Bakersfield, and then suddenly WHAMMO, this game counts.

Part of me wants to say that this was just general bungling on the part of the NBA. What used to be the most well-oiled PR machine has sprung more leaks than a destroyer at Pearl Harbor (when the Germans attacked). From refs on the take, to rampant sexual harassment taking place at one of the league's premiere franchises, to general fan disinterest in the game, it's been a rough year. I guess it would be easy for the league to, you know, forget to publicize that regular season games have started.

But I think there's something bigger going on here. I think Commissioner David Stern knows that this was a lousy last year, and that any hyping of Opening Night would lead to the inevitable story with a lead something like: "Looking to rebound from an off-season filled with scandal and embarrassment, the NBA regular season tips off tonight with..." And you could expect more column inches in that story devoted to recapping each negative issue the league is dealing with than spent on forecasting the season.

So what the solution? Go under the radar. Get the regular season started quietly, so that the timeliness of those "NBA in trouble" stories is lost. By the time anyone realizes the regular season has started, it's too late for the press to pile on, since they'll have to spend their time actually covering games.

You have to admire David Stern for pulling this off. Unless, of course, this was all a big screw-up.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:00 AM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge Week 1 Review

I went 3-2 with my picks from last week. Which I'm happy with - 3-2 means that I won money (in theory). Of course, my 10-Star ACC Lock of the Year - Virginia Tech over BC - crapped out. But, I'm up on fknmclane by one game after the first week, and really that's what matters.

Along with the above-mentioned game, my other loss was picking the NY Giants over Miami. The Giants won, but they didn't come close to covering the 9 1/2 point spread. Looking back, I should have known better. I broke one of my cardinal rules of sports handicapping, especially football: don't bet on a favorite if they have a lousy offense. You're asking them to not only win, but win by several points. If teams have lousy offenses, then there are going to be a lot of one and two-point games.

And it's not like it's a surprise that Tech's offense stunk - I said so much in the preview. And asking the Giants to beat anyone by 10? Even Miami? I should have had my head examined after choosing that.

As for this week, games are being reviewed, information is being poured over, and tarot cards are being shuffled.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:50 AM 0 comments  

Source: Belichick Cheated, Ran Up Score on Grandfather in Scrabble

FOXBORO, MA - Family sources reported today that New England Patroits head coach Bill Belichick has been accused of running up the score in a game of Scrabble against his 92 year-old grandfather last week, and of possibly cheating in order to win.

Belichick had been engaging his grandfather Earl in an ongoing series of Scrabble games on Tuesday mornings at the White Oak Senior Living Center in Walpole where the elder Belichick lives. However, after losing for three straight weeks, Bill Belichick became obsessed with winning, said sources close to the situation.

"Well, you know that Billy isn't used to losing, so when his grandpa went on a little hot streak, he took it pretty hard," said the source. "He was on the phone all week with his friend Matt, who came to visit with Billy this week even though he'd never been here before."

The "Matt" is believed to be Matt Estrella, the Patriots' video assistant who was implicated in the TapeGate controversy earlier in the year. The source said that when Belichick and his grandfather sat down to play, Estrella set down a video camera and then left the room.

"He said the video camera was 'for Bill's scrapbook', but I don't believe it," said the source. "Every once in a while, I thought I would get a glimpse of Matt outside, looking at a small TV and talking into a phone. And I don't know why Bill insisted on wearing his headphones during the game."

Belichick later claimed that he wore his headphones, which can be used to communicate with assistants, because "his ears were cold and he forgot his earmuffs."

"I mean you tell me: every time Earl would get close, Bill would suddenly have to go to the bathroom or get a soda," said the source. "When he'd come back, BOOM, seven-letter word. I mean, he goes from three turns of "cat", "bone" and "mine" to suddenly playing "santoor"? Come on."

Even worse, according to the source, was Belichick's attitude after the game was out of reach.

"He's up by 120 points at the end of the game, and his grandfather played 'layz'. Now, it was obvious that he meant to put down 'lazy' but just got confused - his grandpa is starting to lose it a little bit, and the cataracts are starting to act up. But when he realized what he did and tried to change it, Bill threw a napkin on the ground to challenge it. He made his grandpa take the word off and lose his turn. I guess it's legal, but it's not a very cool thing to do if you ask me."

When asked about the Scrabble game, Belichick grunted for a couple of seconds and then flipped off the reporter.

Bill Belichick (right) and his grandfather Earl play a "friendly" game of Scrabble

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:44 PM 0 comments  

Songs of Faith and Devotion

This Saturday is probably the best (on paper) slate of college football action all season. All eight of the Top 12 ranked BCS teams who are in action tomorrow have losable games. This week is either going to clarify things or confuse them to historical proportions. And my team, USC, is
in a huge game at Oregon. Win and they are right back in the thick of the BCS Title picture. Lose and they are suddenly looking for a way to get a Holiday Bowl berth at best.

So of course, where will I be tomorrow? Parked in front of my TV, flipping back and forth and lapsing into a football and beer-induced stupor? Nope. I'll be in Fresno (my hometown) with my wife, attending the largest Civil War re-enactment West of the Mississippi. Because her birthday was this week, and this is what she wanted to do.

The things you sacrifice for the people you love...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:22 PM 1 comments  

Boston College Fans Take to Streets to Celebrate Team's Victory

BOSTON – Boston College football fans numbering inthe tens of thousands took to the streets in celebration on Thursday night after the wildly popular No. 2-ranked Eagles pulled off an improbable 14-10 victory over the No. 8-ranked Virginia Tech Hokies. The Eagles’ improbable run to the BCS title game has become an obsession in this sports-crazed town, giving championship-starved Bostonians a reason to celebrate.

“I mean, it’s been a long, hard drought since the last time the Celtics won a title,” said Patrick O’Leary, 45, who had come down to the Bull and Heather, a pub popular with Boston College fans, to watch the game. “Since then, there really hasn’t been much to celebrate, so obviously everyone’s getting behind the team however we can. It’s all anyone talks about at work these days.”

Boston police reported eight arrests and two minor injuries in the post-game victory celebrations, which lasted well into the night. Authorities said that while they were disappointed in some isolated cases of violence, things could have been much worse.

“Fortunately, the thousands of hardcore Boston College fans – Eagles Nation – had traveled with the team to the game at Virginia Tech,” said Boston mayor Thomas M. Menino. “If that many sports fans had been in Boston tonight, I’m sure this could have escalated even further.”

Boston native Bill Simmons, who writes “The Sports Guy” column for ESPN.com, said that people shouldn’t be surprised about Bostonians’ support of Boston College’s quest for a national title.

“This is a huge sports town, but there really isn’t much to get excited about in the fall other than BC football,” Simmons said. “I was remarking about my fond memories of sitting at the 50 yard-line of Boston College games the other day to Bish and Geoff while we were at the seven-card stud table at the Bellagio about this.”

Sports fans throughout the Boston area have been enchanted with the Boston College team and its players, especially star QB Matt Ryan, whose two fourth-quarter touchdowns propelled his team to the come-from-behind victory. Asked about Ryan’s late-game heroics, self-described “President of Eagles Nation” O’Leary was philosophical.

“Sometimes he takes some plays off, but you know he’s going to be there when it counts,” he said. “It’s just Matty being Matty.”

Traffic in the greater Boston area was described as “gridlock” by authorities. Problems were apparently exacerbated by a baseball game played at a local park involving the local professional side and a team from the Denver area.

Thousands of Boston College Eagle fans take to the streets to celebrate the team's 14-10 win over Virginia Tech on Thursday night.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:11 AM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 2

Let me introduce you to someone you'll be getting to know quite a bit at Your Face is a Sports Blog: my good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane. As I mentioned earlier, we're going to be going head-to-head in the Handicapabling Challenge to see which of us is "better" at picking football games. (I'm putting quotes around "better" because I fully expect a .500 record to be way in the lead by the end of the year.) There are a few things you should know about fknmclane:

• He is possible the angriest man I've ever met. He's like a bitter, 70 year-old trapped in the body of a man half his age. (Which is even more sad because he's younger than that).
• He is kind of a retard. It did take him something like seven years to graduate college. From Arizona State. Also, he once got his Ford Tempo caught in a flash flood in Phoenix and ruined it. (It's hard to ruin a Tempo, BTW). Which all explains why he chose to pick the same games I did even though our rules clearly stated that he could choose any five games that he wanted.
• His wife is a saint. See the above two items for proof.

So, welcome fknmclane into your hearts, your homes and your lives as he makes his picks for the Handicapabling Challenge:

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3):

As my esteemed colleague the Duke so eloquently put it, the Tech offense is terrible. In fact, I'd describe it as "the suck." Admittedly, I base this off of just a couple of games, especially their opener and national ball-gargling "healing" holiday against East Carolina, but I know I'm right. So fuck you. And besides, as long as Frank Beamer's jaw looks fucked up, his team will be returning INT's and punts for touchdowns.

I should probably give some thoughts about BC since they are after all playing in this game. Well, they suck as well and they're overrated. So there you go. They suck harder than Tech (27-14 over Notre Dame? fucking pussies...a good high school team could beat the hapless Irish at this point) and they're playing on the road, therefore, they can kiss their top ten BCS ranking goodbye.

fknmclane's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): I hate USC. I really do. I hate their fucking guts and I hope they lose out from here.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this game will be the start of their losing tailspin as they stagger through the remainder of their Pac-10 schedule. And I truly, honestly say that without factoring in my hatred for the "Men of Troy."

A few points to make:

• To quote a drunken, 40-year old female from Heber, Arizona with a giant ass and a habit of biting necks that I once had the pleasure of meeting and seeing molest my best friend, Mark Sanchez "IS NOT READY FOR THIS!" It's just his third game starting and going into Eugene is not going to be a cakewalk. He can rock the Mexican flag wristband, headband, jockstrap and it isn't going to help him. A diaper might be of service though.
• Dennis Dixon is REALLY FUCKING GOOD. Pete Carroll is known for his defensive scheming and khaki pants but that brain under his disheveled mop will be no match for Dixon and Oregon's spread.
• To piggyback my previous point about Dixon being REALLY FUCKING GOOD...the team he quarterbacks is also REALLY FUCKING GOOD. If not for their retard wide receiver stretching the football across the goalline to be easily knocked away against Cal, they'd be #1 in the BCS right now. And they still might end up being said #1
• USC has looked average at best at times and a stomping of Notre Dame has done nothing to change my mind.
• I need a muzzle

fknmclane's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): Bottom of the barrel Pac teams. Never good times, anything can happen with these stupid games. Here goes:

Mike Stoops vs. Tyrone Willingham, kidney stones vs. stoicism
PICK - Willingam's stone-faced grill

shitty team on the road vs. shitty team at home
PICK - have you ever been to Tucson? Seattle is like fucking Mars compared to Tucson, the Wildcats will be too busy trying to figure out the space needle to focus on even picking up a first down

Concussed Willie Tuitama vs. Savior Locker
PICK - fuck the "savior" of Husky football, he's a douche. But still better than Willie Tuitama who has ran for his life for three years straight now.

fknmclane's pick: Washington (-3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Holy fuck, I hate this game. Are the Broncos the team that got f'd in the a by the Chargers or the one that beat an unsuspecting and unprepared Steelers team last week? Looks like Tomlin is back to the drawing board after that one, huh Steelers fans? And by back to the drawing board I mean getting his baby fro trimmed ever so perfectly and stealing Big Ben's fruit cocktail.

The only way Green Bay wins this game is if Javon Walker's knee magically heals overnight and he slaps on his old jersey and goes on to torch the stupid Broncos. Unfortunately for the Packers they have no running game, they're on the road, and they've won with smoke and mirrors.

fknmclane's pick: Denver (-3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): I'm not what you would call "pleased" with the Duke for making this one of our picks this week. It involves two unlikable teams and it's being played in London.

9.5 is a lot of points but the Dolphins have been kidnapped by a transsexual former kicker known as "The Mule" who likes to dig his/her "gun" into the hip of pet detectives hot on the trail and who knows a thing or two about buckling under the pressure.

They suck and suck hard. Really hard. You know all that crap about the Patriots going 16-0? Well, the Dolphins could easily end up 0-16. As an aside, am I the only one that thinks Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have pulled a train on Thomas' sister, aka Mrs Jason Taylor? I bet they have. There's no way Thomas gives his sister away to Taylor without some kind of benefit.

Strahan and Unemamamlogmeiakkemdare are going to eat Cleo Lemon alive and Eli Manning will do just enough for a three touchdown win.

Also, fuck Ronnie Brown and his ACL.

* if you think this is the last Ace Ventura reference you'll see when I'm discussing a Dolphins game, you couldn't be any more incorrect Mr Poopypants.

fknmclane's pick: New York (-9.5)

PS - See above for exhibit A on why the Duke will stomp me in picks. Who the fuck goes with the favorite in every game?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:56 PM 0 comments  

Great Moments on Goalkeeping, Part 1

When you are a big underdog in soccer, the last thing you want to do is give up a soft goal early in the game to put you behind. Like, say, if you were Schalke 04, and you were playing Chelsea in a Champions League Group Stage game, you wouldn't want your keeper to do this:

Manuel Neuer committed this blunder, "helping" Chelsea to a 2-0 win and a place atop their group standings. I think his manager calling letting a weak shot go right through his legs "not helpful" is a bit of an understatement. I believe he thinks that the Rockies' pitchers were "a bit subpar" last night as well.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:38 PM 0 comments  

What Not to Watch: 10/25/07

Keeping you informed of the sports viewing choices you shouldn't make tonight (all times Pacific, because that's where I live - suck it, Eastern Time Zone!):

Greatest High School Football Rivalries (Versus, 5 p.m.) - If Taft vs. Bakersfield isn't No. 1, Kirk Russell is going to be pissed

MLS Playoffs: DC United at Chicago Fire (ESPN2, 5:30 p.m.) - I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is going to draw low ratings in Southern California.

Nothin' But Knockouts (FSN, 6:30 p.m.) - Me, I prefer Nothin' But Majority Decisions, but I guess I can see the appeal of this, too...

NHL Hockey: Phoenix Coyotes @ Anaheim Ducks (Fox Sports Prime Ticket, 7 p.m.) - Coyotes vs. Ducks? It's like some crazy, mixed up Warner Bros. cartoon. What's next, Bugs Bunny trying to eat Tweety Bird? It's unnatural, and against the rules of God and man.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:09 PM 0 comments