So, that'd be your finger in the snowblower there?

One of the perks of living in Southern California is you don't have to deal with snow during the winter. Yes, you don't get to have a white Christmas, and it's odd walking around in shorts in December, but you also don't have to worry about the city turning into gridlock because of a blizzard (we have gridlock for every other reason), or needing to trundle out into the cold to clear your driveway.
But apparently, snow is not just annoying but just plain dangerous. Just ask Colorado Avalance captain Joe Sakic. The Denver Post says he's going to be out at least three months after a freak snowblower accident that left him with three broken fingers and "severe" tendon damage.

Sakic reached inside the "auger" of the snowblower to remove some snow, which apparently is bad since it can still move and crush people's hands even when it's off. The newspaper says this type of accident isn't uncommon: there are more than 1,000 cases of finger amputations in similar accidents, and nine deaths reported since 1992. To me, this sounds like Stephen King was a prophet: the machines really are taking over.

Sakic's injury is just the latest bizarre sports injury to befall Denver athletes in recent years. You might remember Broncos WR Brandon Marshall gashing his arm after tripping on a McDonald's bag and falling through an entertainment center. Or Rockies shortstop Clint Barmes breaking his collarbone after falling while carrying a slab of deer meat into his house. Or Brian Griese's one-two punch of getting pushed down the stairs by his dog and slipping on teammate Terrell Davis' driveway and getting knocked out.

Clearly, something is going on here. Someone needs to wrap Jay Cutler in protective bubble wrap just to be sure.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:31 PM 4 comments  

Favre arrested at NYC Applebee's after concealed hunting rifle incident

NEW YORK - New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre was arrested early Friday morning on weapons charges after an incident at a Times Square Apleebee's. Police say that Favre had a concealed hunting rifle at the restaurant which accidentally went off as he was getting up to use the restroom, grazing a server in the thigh and fatally injuring a Triple Chocolate Meltdown cake being delivered to a nearby table.


Police say Favre's rifle, a Winchester Model 70, was unlicensed in New York, with Favre telling police before being taken into custody that he's "pretty sure" he had a license in his home state of Mississippi somewhere.

According to witnesses, Favre "wasn't fooling anyone" by trying to hide his rifle.

"He had it shoved down his pants and tucked under his shirt, but it was so long that the barrel was still a good two feet out of his back," said a waitress identified by his name tag as Randy. "I don't know how he missed blasting himself in the back of the head when it went off. Normally there's no way we would have let someone with such an obvious weapon in, but, I mean, this was Brett Favre."

NFL commentator John Madden said that Favre's actions immediately following the incident showed his "unique style" of leadership.

"From the way he tried to pretend that the gunshot didn't come from his back, to how he tried to go to the bathroom and stash the rifle in the trash can, that's total Brett Favre," Madden said. "I mean, he was in total control of the situation, even telling the police officers which station to take him to right before he signed autographs for everyone. If that isn't a gamer, I don't know what is."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would consider suspending Favre "pending factors such as the outcome of his criminal trial, and after his future retirement."

During an interview on WFAN-AM in New York earlier in the week about the arrest of New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, Favre told a host that "if a deer comes into the door frame of my house, I am going to kill him or her, as simple as that."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:33 PM 0 comments  

Stoops annoyed at Sooner fans

Sure, Oklahoma might be 59-3 at home under Bob Stoops, but the Sooners' coach isn't buying that the fans have played that big of a role. Rivals.com says that Stoops was asked about how much of a distraction it can be for opposing teams to deal with the crowd noise at..Sooner Stadium? Oklahoma Stadium? Barry Switzer Memorial Park? Owen Field? OK, I guess it's Owen Field.

At any rate, Stoops was less than forthcoming in praise of his fans' disruptive impact on other teams:

"I've seen a lot of teams come in here and not even use silent counts, so I'm not so sure I'm with you on all that," said Stoops when told opposing teams are fearful of the crowd noise. "We haven't been a real loud stadium."

And Stoops wasn't finished with that, taking a sideswipe at fans who only cheer when the Sooners are ready to score:

"Now when we score a touchdown and we're running into the goal line it's usually pretty loud," admitted Stoops. "That usually doesn't matter to the opposing team."

So remember, Sooner fans - if your team loses on Saturday night to Texas Tech, it's all your fault. Of course, this doesn't explain why the Sooners have been so awful at bowl games.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:28 PM 1 comments  

It's come to this: the shameless begging

As some of you might know, in the British vernacular, I was "made redundant" last week. Otherwise known as "I was laid off." The plus side is that this leaves me a lot more time for writing, specifically to bring you the type of marginal entertainment you've come to expect from Your Face is a Sports Blog.

The downside? Well, the lack of money. I'm not a big corporate blog like Deadspin or Sports by Brooks. I don't have a team of writers being beaten into submission and told what to write that will get the most SEO hits, blogosphere synergy or whatever the hell they call it. It's just me, writing about what makes me laugh, and hopefully you too.

I feel so weird about doing this, but several people have said that I should. So, there's a "donate" button on the righthand side of the blog. If you feel as though you want to help support me and this site, feel free to contribute...whatever you want. I know this feels very public radio, so I'll just end by reminding you about the free tote bag with $50 membership, and sending you back to "This American Life."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:16 PM 1 comments  

Cuban charged with insider trading by his fantasy basketball commissioner

DALLAS - Fantasy basketball commissioner Andrew Rathman leveled a charge of "insider trading" at Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban on Monday, after he traded Mavs forward Jerry Stackhouse before Sunday night's game against the New York Knicks, a game that Stackhouse sat out with a possible heel injury.

Rathman, who is Cuban's brother-in-law, said that he had received a complaint from an owner who had sent Luc Richard Mbah a Moute to Cuban's team, the Fuck David Sterns.

"The owner was expecting to add Stackhouse as a valuable role player, but now we have reason to believe that Mark knew about this injury ahead of time and dumped him in order to minimize his losses," Rathman said.

Other owners in the league had expressed concerns something like this might happen, and had suggested a rule that a player could not have someone on their fantasy roster from a team they own in real life. However, Cuban rejected this immediately.

"He kept talking about how this was clearly targeting one player, and how patently unfair that was," Rathman said. "Plus, he reminded us multiple times how he was going to let us have the draft at his mansion, with full catering and all the Chivas and champagne we could drink. It was kind of hard to say no."

Pending an investigation, Rathman said that there is a variety of punishments available, including: forfeiture of points, banning from the league playoffs, or making him give the other players extra courtside seats to an upcoming Mavericks game.

Cuban refused to comment on the matter, other to make the following post on his blogmaverick.com site:

I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job. Also, Andrew Rathman is a farthead, who eats farts with his giant head.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:23 PM 0 comments  

Clippers' Thorton can't believe girlfriend fell for "superstition" line

LOS ANGELES - Clippers forward Al Thorton can't believe that his girlfriend bought the excuse that he hadn't talked to her since the start of the season because of a "superstition" involving the team's 0-6 start, sources told to the team said on Wednesday.

"All week, he had been getting phone messages - here at practice, on his cell phone, even at the hotel on the road," the anonymous source said. "I kept telling him 'Al, that's not good, you better call her.' But he kept insisting that he had a plan. I guess he did."

The source said that he was amazed it worked, especially since it didn't make a lot of sense on the surface.

"I mean, think about it: why would you keep doing something if you keep losing?," said the source. "Wouldn't you do the exact opposite, like call your girlfriend, to try and break your streak? It's like having an unlucky pair of underwear."

Bouyed by Thorton's success, the source said that his teammates were looking to apply the logic to their wives and girlfriends as well, including plans to:

• Not come home at night until they get back above .500
• Pass out drunk at a strip club every night until they get their average above 20 ppg
• Sleep with a different music video model until the Clippers trade for Kobe Bryant

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:30 PM 0 comments  

Eagle Rock High coach might not be so popular with his players

A totally insane story from here in Los Angeles: Johnny Lopez, the head football coach at Eagle Rock High is back on the sidelines, a week after he was injured when he was speared by one of his players during practice. Sounds like a pretty standard story, right? Coaches get run into on the sidelines all time. It's a violent, fast-moving game, and somethings accidents happen. Look at Joe Paterno or Charlie Weis.

But there's one difference here: THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT! (Cue Det. Lenny Briscoe making a darkly humorous joke here.) The Los Angeles Daily News reports that Lopez was apparently speared on purpose by someone who put on a helmet when the coach wasn't looking, drilled him square in the back, and then took off running, hoping a fence to escape the field while the first-year coach writhed in pain.

Perhaps the most disturbing part of the story is this: none of the other members of the team tried to stop him. I've heard of a coach "losing their team" before, but that usually just means that they don't follow directions and laugh behind his back. It usually doesn't mean "putting on a helmet and running at him full speed behind his back." It's stunning that this could happen*.

Another twist to the story: Lopez's alleged assailant isn't even a current player - the person police believe is responsible is a former player who was a starting linebacker last season.

Eagle Rock forfeited last week's game, and ends the season looking to improve on their 3-6 record. But despite evidence that the team might not be buying into the system, Lopez insists that he's coming back next year. In full pads, I'm sure.

*except for when Paul Hackett was the coach at USC. I'm frankly stunned that he wasn't getting clobbered by his players on a weekly basis by the end of his last season at the helm.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:29 AM 0 comments  

HS coach takes hands-on approach to punching players

It's one thing to be a "player's coach," but it's another to be " a coach who gets into fights alongside his players." Someone apparently needs to explain the subtle difference to Jamie Joyner, the head coach of the Nature Coast High football team in South Florida. He has been barred from being on the sidelines the rest of this season after he threw some blows along with his team during a brawl with a rival school.

This isn't the first time that Nature Coast has had issues with fights during their games. Here's a post-game scuffle after a close loss last year:



Joyner has also been ordered to take a "fundamentals of coaching" class before he can rejoin the team. (The first lesson: don't punch the other team, i.e. the Woody Hayes Rule.) I know that many Chiefs fans would like their coach Herm Edwards take the same course as well.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:00 AM 0 comments  

BYU thinks Air Force are dirty players

BYU head football coach Bronco Mendenhall has a Veteran's Day message for you, ahead of the Cougars' game this weekend with Air Force: they are a bunch of dirty, unethical players. But he stilll supports the troops!

Specifically, Mendenhall is upset at Air Force's use of the "cut block" - that is, blocking by taking out a player's legs. Although technically legal, Mendenhall thinks it shouldn't be, and isn't happy with how much the Falcons use it:

"Without even mentioning the game after Air Force, I am just not a proponent of the block, anyway," he said. "I don't think it is good for the game, and I think it puts our players at risk, and I am not saying Air Force is cheating or doing anything unethical, but if I were to have a say in the rules committee, and just in general, I don't think the block is necessary. . . . It is effective, and certainly it is difficult to defend, I am just not a proponent of it."

So maybe I exaggerated a bit in the first paragraph, but you get the point. Clearly, Mendenhall isn't going to come out and say "what a bunch of dirty bastards the Air Force is" - after all, Bush still has a few weeks left in office, and Gitmo isn't closed yet. But that's obviously what he's thinking.

I take the opposite approach: I'm thrilled that they are teaching the future fighter pilots of tomorrow how to cut block. I've seen "Behind Enemy Lines," and if Owen Wilson knew how to cut block, that move would have been 20 minutes long. Let's drop the Air Force football team in Afghanistan and have them cut block a path right to bin-Laden.

AMERICA! YEAH!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:42 AM 0 comments  

Palmer pretty sure he doesn't want to play this week

CINCINNATI - Bengals QB Carson Palmer, who has watched from the sidelines with an elbow injury for six of the last seven games as the team has slumped to a 1-8 record, said on Tuesday that there was "no way" he would play this coming Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.

"No, my, um, my elbow still is way to sore to get out there right now," Palmer said. "Yeah, it's really sore. Ooh, oww!"

Palmer then shook his arm and grabbed at his elbow while wincing in an exaggerated manner.

Palmer said that he re-injured his elbow yesterday afternoon while watching tapes of the Bengals' offense this season.

"I was feeling pretty good, but then I reached for the remote to fast-forward through tape of (back-up) Ryan Fitzpatrick getting sacked over and over, and I must have tweaked my elbow again," he said. "It's a real shame, because I was really looking forward to coming back this week."

Palmer also responded to criticism that he had been using the injury as an excuse to avoid playing for the Bengals as the team struggles this season. Newspaper reports have had him doing several activities that would appear to place great strain on his injured elbow, including golfing, playing tennis, and arm wrestling.

"That's all part of my rehabilitation program," Palmer said. "I know it might look bad, but my doctor assures me that this aggressive, alternative form of treatment is what's best for me right now."

Palmer has been working with his personal doctor instead of Bengals' team trainers, and has not let them inspect his injured elbow in the past four weeks. Palmer's physician, Dr. Leo Spaceman, was not available for comment.

Although he didn't want to speculate, Palmer said the soft tissue injury in his elbow could take "months, maybe years" to heal, but added that it would probably heal faster if he was playing somewhere other than Cincinnati.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 1 comments