Al Davis to offer Raiders coaching job to John McCain

OAKLAND - Sources inside the Oakland Raiders organization report that owner and GM Al Davis has reached an agreement with John McCain to become the team's next head coach at the end of this season. Davis apparently told office staff that after watching McCain's Presidential concession speech last night, he feels as though the 72-year-old Senator and war hero has the ability to inject "youthful vigor and new energy" into the once-proud Raiders team despite his total lack of football experience.

"That John McCain, he's a real firecracker," Davis is reported to have told a team of executives this morning. "When you're a can-do kind of leader like him, I don't care if you don't know anything about football - players will listen to you. I'll handle the play calling - he just needs to worry about motivating the team to victory, and I'm sure he'll do just that."

McCain would replace interim head coach Tom Cable. Despite his stated belief in McCain's ability's to be a head football coach with no experience, some Raiders staff members wonder if Davis has ulterior motives for bringing McCain on-board.

"He just wants someone out front who is even more clueless than him," a source said anonymously. "Plus, McCain almost makes Al seem sprightly and youthful by comparison."

Davis also allegedly told close confidants that "judging by how much he sold himself out to try and be President, he'll have no trouble doing what I tell him to do. Unlike that ungrateful pink Kiffin. Kiffin!!!"

Davis then continued to shout former head coach Lane Kiffin's name for several minutes while shaking his fist in the air before being sedated by his personal assistants and lead back to his office/rejuvenation chambers.

Reached at his home in Scottsdale, AZ, McCain said he would be open to the offer, provided that the Raider girls understand that their jobs are to "look pretty and not go making foolish and stupid suggestions and opening their mouths to the media and screwing things up for me."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:24 PM 1 comments  

Twitter update update

As was so eloquently noted, I totally botched the link to add the Your Face Twitter feed to your friend feed. Here is the correct link. Please add it, and...whatever.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:36 AM 0 comments  

Latest BCS rankings: let the rioting begin

I treat the BCS rankings like Christmas - there's no reason to even think about it until November and even then that's probably far too soon. But the first poll of November is out and, predictably, people are losing their damned minds over it. Texas Tech jumps past Penn State! USC falls to No. 7 after winning 56-0! Utah, Boise St. and TCU all in the Top 12! It's chaos!

Of course, there's still a whole month of football left to be played, so reading too much into these rankings is very dangerous. However, there are a few things I think we can safely assume based on where things stand right now:

Penn State fans need to shut up already

Yes, it's a tough break to get jumped in polls when you had a bye week. Or so the Nittany Lion fans are screaming today after Texas Tech moved ahead of them in the rankings. But keep this in mind: Penn State didn't "fall" in the rankings - they were No. 3 before the week started and No. 3 at the end of the week. The only difference is which two teams are ahead of them, with Texas Tech replacing Texas.

I don't see how you can argue with placing the Red Raiders ahead of Penn State this week. Rankings should be based on how well people have performed against the teams they have played to that point in the season. Up until last week, voters were holding off on rewarding Texas Tech for being 8-0, since they have a daunting gauntlet of games to close the season. But now that they've got through the first step and knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, you have to place them higher. They play in a better conference and they have the best win of any of the three undefeated teams at the top of the polls.

But most importantly, this is an incredibly moot point. If Texas Tech wins out, that means they will have beaten Texas, Oklahoma State, Baylor and either Missouri or Kansas in the Big 12 title game. And there would be no possible argument for keeping them out of the BCS title game then. If they lose once, where they are ranked today is meaningless as long as Penn State keeps winning.

If I was a Penn State fan, I'd be more ticked off at Alabama moving up to No. 1 than Texas Tech going to No. 2. Let's be honest about this: what exactly is the Crimson Tide's signature win? Georgia? The same team that got hammered by Florida this week? The Clemson team that fired their head coach midway through the season? Tennessee, who just fired their coach today? I'd argue that Penn State's win over Oregon State (more on them in a minute) is looking far more impressive by the week, while Alabama's earlier wins lose more and more of their luster.

Utah, Boise St., TCU, BYU and Ball State fans should learn to hate Ohio State as much as the rest of the college football world does

Why? Their BCS bowl chances might be directly tied to how Ohio State does in their final three games against Northwestern, Illinois and Michigan. To attempt to briefly explain: any school from a non-BCS conference that is ranked in the Top 12 of the final regular season BCS poll is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game. But if more than two teams are in the Top 12, only the highest-ranking is guaranteed a spot. Which is potentially bad news for Utah, TCU and Boise St., all in the Top 12 this week.

Only teams in the Top 16 are eligible for at-large BCS berths and - here's the big catch - no conference can send more than two teams to BCS bowl games. Right now nine of the top 16 spots in the BCS are taken by teams from two conferences: the SEC and the Big 12. And there is almost no chance that the ACC, Big East or PAC-10 will send two teams. (See next item for the one percent chance that the PAC-10 sends two schools.)

Doing the math: there are four at-large berths. Second teams from the Big 12 and SEC will get two of those four, as (almost certainly) will the highest-finishing non-BCS school. Leaving the final BCS at-large berth to go to another BCS Buster or...Ohio State.

Yes, the same cockroaches that ruined the last two championship games are all that stand in the way of the greatest season in non-BCS football history. They sit at No. 12 in the current rankings. If they win out, they'll get the final BCS at-large berth. If they slip up, that spot will almost have to go to a non-BCS team in the Top 16 (even Ball State could get the nod).

In some small way, we all should be rooting for Northwestern next week.

USC is screwed, screwed, screwed (and deservedly so)

After USC lost to Oregon State, I told anyone who would listen that the Trojans' BCS Title hopes were done. And everyone tried to convince me that USC was still alive. "Just look at the carnage last season," they said. "They win out and they'll be fine."

Looking at the first week of November, and I stand by my earlier statement. They don't just need upsets to start happening, but huge upsets with teams way outside of the BCS rankings to take down big names. Texas Tech knocking off Texas might have seemed like a break for the Trojans, for example, but it turned out to be the worst thing imaginable - not only did the Red Raiders leap over USC, but Texas didn't fall behind them.

Without getting into drawn-out rationales, here are the relevant facts:

• The Big 12 champion is making it to the BCS title game. In order for this not to happen, it would take a scenario so convoluted that M. Night Shymalayan would dismiss it as crackpot for there not to be at least one team left with one loss, and there is no way a one-loss Big 12 team is getting left out of the mix.
• Alabama goes if they run the table. The best team most likely to beat them: one-loss Florida, who would certainly go ahead of USC if they win out. They only way USC would be picked ahead of the SEC champion is if Florida loses again but beats Alabama in the SEC title game. And even then, one-loss Alabama might still go ahead of USC (sending a team that lost its conference championship is a nightmare scenario for the BCS).
• Penn State has the easiest path to going undefeated. But if they slip up, they are done. (There is no way a one-loss Big Ten team makes it, period.)

In poker terms, USC has pockets 4s against other teams' pocket aces. And the Trojans don't even control their own BCS fate: if Oregon State wins out, they would get the PAC-10 title and Rose Bowl berth, sending USC to other BCS game. (This is the one percent chance of this happening, considered Oregon State barely beat a lousy ASU team at home on Saturday, and still have to play Oregon, Cal and Arizona.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

Source: Paterno to soil himself to gain sympathy

STATE COLLEGE, PA - 81-year-old Joe Paterno, seething after his Nittany Lions were jumped by Texas Tech for the No. 2 spot in this week's BCS rankings, vowed to do everything he can to make sure Coaches' and Harris Poll voters know just how old and feeble he is to gain valuable sympathy votes to move back ahead in the rankings.

"An old man like me, jeez, I'm not going to get too many more chances," Paterno said. "I've got this bum knee and hip, and you know what that usually means for old people - a drastic collapse in health followed by sudden death. But if I knew that were playing for a national championship in January, that might be enough to keep me going."

Sources close to the legendary head coach said that along with playing up the status of his injured leg - which has kept him in the press box for much of this season - Paterno planned on a pattern of activities designed to show voters how frail and aging he is in order to elict enough sympathy for voters to put him in one last National Title game. Paterno's plans include:

• Visibly soiling himself during an interview with Erin Andrews before the team's game against Michigan St.
• Being shown in the press box during the team's game against Iowa being fed by his wife, with oatmeal being smeared all over his face and hair.
• Wondering when they started letting "Negros" play football.
• During all media interviews, addressing the reporter as "Grantland".
• Casting his Coaches' Poll vote for Cumberland.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:35 AM 0 comments  

Oden wishes he had bought MRI machine instead of leasing

PORTLAND - While reviewing MRI test results on Thursday that showed he will miss 2-4 weeks with a sprained foot, oft-injured Portland Trailblazer Greg Oden told technicians that he "really regretted" leasing his personal MRI machine instead of buying it from the dealer.

Greg Oden's personal MRI machine, which the factory is "going to kill him on" when his lease is up

"Man, look at how many minutes I've used over the past year," Oden said, as he looked at a read-out showing how long the machine had been used for since he leased it from Rose City Medical Supply in 2007. "I am going to get killed with penalties when the lease is up next year."

Oden, the No. 1 pick by Portland in 2007 , has been plagued with a host of injuries since college and missed all of his rookie season with a knee injury. After having dealt with going to hospitals and private facilities to get frequently MRI tests in college, Oden decided to have one installed in the basement of his suburban Portland home last year after he was drafted.

Instead of spending the $1.5 million a new machine costs, Oden made the decision to lease the machine over the next few years. But Oden failed to read the fine print, which includes steep penalties for using the machine more than two hours total per year, a number he has far exceeded.

"This is how they get you - hidden costs, surcharges," Oden lamented to his team of personal MRI technicians completing his tests. "When my lease is up next year, I'm going to get hosed and then still not a machine to show for it. I should have listened to Grant."

"Grant" is NBA star Grant Hill, who recommended to Oden that he purchase a machine outright during a discussion at a chairty NBA Live event immediately after Oden was drafted.

"Buying an MRI machine was the best decision I've ever made," said Hill, whose career has frequently been derailed by injuries. "In fact, I love my MRI machine so much, that's what got me interested in creating my own."

The Grant Hill Heat Vision MRI Machine, created by Nike and Qwest Medical Devices, will debut in medical imaging catalogs and Foot Lockers in early 2009.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:39 AM 0 comments  

Philly fans boo World Series trophy for being "gay"

PHILADELPHIA - Moments after their World Series-clinching Game 5 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays, Philadelphia Phillies fans quickly turned from joyous to angry, viciously booing and heckling the Commissioner's Trophy given to the series winner for being "totally gay" and "fucking retarded."


"Nice fucking flags, you piece of shit trophy," screamed Jimmy Gionolli from his seats in the right field bleachers soon after the Commissioner's Trophy was awarded to the Phillies. "Might as well make those rainbow flags on there, you faggot trophy!"

Fans who had been exalting in the city's first professional sports title in 25 years just minutes ago quickly turned their anger to the trophy. Matt Spaniacho, a 35-year-old electrician, took time from leading his section in chants of "Fuck Yourself, Trophy!" to explain his actions.

"I mean, I remember when the 76ers won the NBA title back in '83 - now that was a fucking trophy," he said. "This thing...I mean, just look at this fucking thing. You can't even drink a God damned beer out of it."

Phillies fans' reactions reflect the city's personality, said Temple University clinical pschyology professor Alfred Deacon.

"It's a cliche, but it's true - Philadelphia fans literally don't know how to deal with success," Deacon said. "Much like an abused animal, they have been so used to negativitity that when presented with something positive, they lash out."

Deacon then proceded to overturn a couch in his office and set it on fire while screaming "Fuck yeah, Phillies motherfuckers!"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:33 PM 2 comments  

Your College Football Viewing Guide: Week 9

As you may have noticed, we've stopped with the predictions. Basically, when the "winner" is going lucky to break .500, it's just embarrassing. So having completed shredded all credibility that I might have dreamed about having as a college football expert with my asinine picks, I've decided to start telling you what to watch, with a handy viewing guide for the weekend's games.

All listings come from the invaluable Matt's College Sports on TV Website. Check your local listings for...blah blah blah. Consider this your guide for going into a football-related coma until the NFL games on Sunday.

FRIDAY

Boise St. @ San Jose St. (6 pm PT/9 pm ET, ESPN2)

Here we are, moving into November, and I'll be damned if Boise St. isn't there contending for a BCS bowl berth again. And their doing it without a huge contribution from Ian Johnson, the poster boy of their Fiesta Bowl win. See what happens when you get married?

Meanwhile, San Jose St. has a pair of brothers who, for the first time in NCAA history, are each leading a major statistical category: Carl Ihenacho (tackles for loss) and his brother Duke (interceptions). But of course, I care more about the fact that the Spartans now refer to them as The Nacho Brothers, a nickname so awesome, it takes The Four Horsement out behind the middle school and impregnates it.

In fact, they should just go the Joe Theismann route and change their name to match the marketing ploy. I can't imagine anything better than being named Duke Nacho, but I'm biased. Maybe Duke Pizza would be close.

SATURDAY

Early Morning Game: Texas Tech @ Kansas (9 am PT/noon ET, ESPN)

ZOMG! NO ONE PLAYS DEFENSE! THEY WILL SCORE 150 POINTS!

Usually this kind of hyperbole leads to 20-13 snoozers. But there is no way that these two offenses and defenses (I'm looking at you, Jayhawks) will let that happen. Ever play Madden, but actually with 15 minute quarters, only to get burnt out when the score reaches 500? You might have some of that fatigue taking place in this game...if you hate scoring in football, and are a lefty Commie terrorist pal-arounder.

Afternoon Game: Georgia @ LSU (3:30 pm PT/6:30 pm ET, CBS)

As you've been reminded all week, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME, as the winner still has a shot at making it to the BCS Title Game, while the loser gets their second loss and is almost certainly done. I guess. I mean, wasn't that what we said after LSU lost to Kentucky in November last year for their second defeat?

That being said, I haven't seen a thing from LSU that would led me to believe that they can score enough points to keep up with Georgia. Save for one awful half against Alabama, and the Bulldogs are the clear No. 1 team in the country right now. Yeah, going into LSU is tough, but the Bulldogs are far and away the superior team.

Evening Game: Penn St. @ Ohio St. (5 pm PT/8 pm ET, ABC)

The only thing I'm getting more sick of hearing about than Joe Paterno's leg is the Ohio St. Cockroach effect, as in "you keep writing them out of the national title chase, and they keep coming back." They keep coming back year after year because while they might lose one game, other teams find ways to lose two or more. That being said, they'll need win out and get some help to have a chance. Meanwhile, I think one loss dooms Penn St. - like Alabama, pollsters don't really believe in them, I think, and are looking for an excuse to drop them down.

In other words, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME. If this becomes a laugher at halftime, feel free to cruise over to ESPN to see if Alabama has finally fallen on its face yet (and wouldn't it be amazing if Tennessee was the team to do the trick) or check and see if you get Fox Sports to see a USC vs. Arizona game that I think is going to be far more competitive than most people. TRAP GAME!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:59 AM 1 comments  

MLB cancels World Series as neither team wants to lose

ST. PETERSBURG, FL - In a stunning move, the Commissioner's office today announced that the World Series has been canceled at the request of the two participants. At a hastily-called press conference, Commissioner Bud Selig said that he made the move after receiving late-night phone calls from representatives of the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies on the eve of Game 1.

"Both teams made it clear that they after all the excitement of reaching the World Series, losing would be heartbreaking," said Bud Selig. "They asked if we could just skip the World Series, and to my surprise, our broadcast partner Fox agreed immediately."

Rays manager Joe Maddon said that his team was so happy to be there that they really didn't want to play the game.

"Really, nothing could top Game 7 against the Red Sox," Maddon said, referring to his team's dramatic win over the defending World Series champs in the ALCS. "So why bother? If we beat the Phillies, it's not like we beat the Red Sox again. And if we lose, that's just going to hurt the psyche of our young team as we get ready to do what's most important next season - defend our AL East crown."

For his part, Phillies GM Pat Gillick said that the "unique nature" of his hometown team's fans was the No. 1 reason that his team chose to opt out of the World Series. Philadelphia sports fans have not seen their pro teams win a championship in 25 years.

"You know how brutal Philly fans are, and we didn't want to risk getting this close and losing," Gillick said. "Honestly, some of the guys were getting pretty fearful for their safety if he had lost. So we decided it was better to not try at all instead of trying, failing, and getting killed by our fans."

Selig said that the pregame festivities ahead of Game 1 will still take place, including a Navy jet flyover, fireworks show and the National Anthem as sung by the Backstreet Boys. However, after player introductions, both teams will be giving their League Championship rings, and each allowed a turn running around the field with the World Series trophy before leaving the stadium.

"Hey, I feel just sick about having to cancel the World Series," Selig said. "But it's not like we haven't done it before."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:55 PM 0 comments  

BYU vs. Utah to be shown on network no one gets

Barring an upset of epic proportions, the BYU vs. Utah game should be the biggest game in Mountain West Conference history - two undefeated, Top Ten teams playing each other with a shot at a BCS bowl game (or more) at stake. It's a game so big that there's only one sports channel that could handle it: The MountainWest Sports Network.

That's right - the biggest game in non-BCS conference football history is coming, and it's going to be on "The mtn.", a network that practically doesn't exist: it's on the backwoods of DirectTV (probably somewhere in between The Salt Water Fishing Channel and The Australian Rules Football Network) and a smattering of cable companies in Rocky Mountain states.

So for that 99 percent of you who live anywhere else and don't have DirectTV, you're totally out of luck. It's the same scenario as when the NFL Network had the rights to the Patriots vs. Giants game to close out the regular season last year, except it doesn't appear there will be any common sense decision made to simulcast the game. I'll let network GM Kim Carver explain it:

Now with DirecTV carrying the channel, Carver said simulcasting the game isn't necessary because her network is national.

In other words, if you don't have the mtn. and aren't planning to attend the game at Rice-Eccles Stadium, you'd better make some friends who get the network.

"We are pretty excited to be carrying the game," Carver said. "It could be a very big game."

Carver estimated her network is carried in about 5 million to 8 million households this season, compared with just 1.2 million a year ago.

"We've had significant growth," she said. "People have choices."

I know I have a choice: go to a sports bar that might happen to carry it, or don't watch it. At least I have that option - with the vast majority of both team's fans being Mormon, I don't think heading down to Hooters with the wife and 12 kids is a great option for watching the game. I can picture Mrs. Young getting her magic underwear in a bunch now.

And here's the amazing part: The mtn. is No. 3 on the pecking order for choices of Mountain West games each week, behind sister stations Versus and CBS College Sports (each with much wider distribution). Meaning that both other networks passed on the biggest game in Mountain West Conference history to show the following games:

• Air Force at TCU and Oregon St. at Arizona (Versus)
• Conference USA game TBD (CBS College Sports)

That's right: CBS College Sports would rather make sure to lock in an unknown Conference USA game rather than BYU vs. Utah. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the conference, and they are blowing it. And based on the fact that the two schools have previously hired lawyers to fight the conference's lousy distribution package, I imagine there is some righteous anger going on at Utah and BYU right now as well.

If nothing else, I'm sure ABC or ESPN would love to have the game, and would be willing to pay top dollar to purchase the rights for just that one game. Imagine how many blue nametags or extra bicycle helmets they could buy in Utah with the money they could make?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:27 PM 2 comments  

Let's whore Morrissey out for every NFL team

As I'm sure you've seen and heard if you've watched more than 10 minutes of a NFL broadcast this season, the NFL Network is using Morrissey's "Everyday Is Like Sunday" as the centerpiece of their new advertising campaign. Apparently, it was only the second most wholly-inappropriate 80s song they could find, but the royalties cost for U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" were just too high. If you haven't seen the commercial yet, here it is:



Which got me thinking: if you're going to use one Morrissey song, why not dip into ihs whole back catalog, including his songs with The Smiths? I have some suggestions that the NFL Network could use to create team-specific commercials for this season:

• Panic - New England Patriots (they might want to change the chorus to "hang Matt Cassel, hang Matt Cassel, hang Matt Cassel")
• The Last of the Famous International Playboys - Arizona Cardinals (lots of shots of Matt Leinart partying with coeds cut with him sitting on the sidelines)
• How Soon Is Now? - For the young, upstart Buffalo Bills
• The Ordinary Boys - Dallas Cowboys
• There's A Place In Hell For Me And My Friends - Detroit Lions
• Bigmouth Strikes Again - Cincinnati Bengals (featuring highlights of Chad Ocho Cinco)
• We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful - Green Bay Packers
• The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get - The suddenly 5-0 Tennessee Titans
• You're The One For Me, Fatty - Philadelphia Eagles, focusing on corpulent head coach Andy Reid
• You Have Killed Me - Kansas City Chiefs, with highlights of Tony Gonzalez walking off the field following defeat after defeat
• This Charming Man - New York Jets
• Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - Seattle Seahawks

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:39 PM 3 comments