Yesterday the Los Angeles Times ran an interesting story about statues at baseball stadiums (not the kind found on the field, like Miguel Cabrera). The story talked about why statues are a perfect match to commemorate great players, and listed screw-ups real (only the Cubs would have a typo on their statue) and not (yes, Babe Ruth was a lefty, and yes the statue in Baltimore shows him with a righty catcher's mitt, but that is actually historically accurate - catcher's mitts were all righty at that time).
A sidebar story talked about the fact that there are no statues at Dodger Stadium, and the possibility that one or more might be added. They spoke with Howard Cole of BaseballSavvy.com site, who has been pushing for a statue of Sandy Koufax to go up at Dodger Stadium for years. And while I have nothing but respect for Sandy Koufax, he somehow isn't "iconic" enough for me. Because more than anything else, a statue should symbolize something - it is the physical embodiment of what you think of when you think of someone or something.
So I started to ask myself what the perfect statue would be to represent the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium. If I just closed my eyes and thought "Los Angeles Dodgers", what immediate associations did I have.
A few ideas came to mind:
- Steve Garvey surrounded by children - dozens and dozens of children
- A fan in a Raiders hat and Dodgers jersey pouring beer on a 6 year-old wearing a Giants hat
- Jackie Robinson in Heaven, watching Al Campanis on God's TV and weeping
- Fred Claire giving Pedro Martinez a handshake and a plane ticket to Montreal
But the one thing that symbolized the Dodgers, more than anything else, would be this: Tommy Lasorda, naked except for a towel barely covering his sweaty midsection, at the post-game buffet filling his plate with mounds of linguini while screaming profanities at the clubhouse boys. It's a mental image I picked up
while reading John Feinstein's "Play Ball" several years ago, and no amount of therapy has been able to scrub it from my memory. (Perhaps a more accurate statue would have two sides - one with Lasorda smiling and hugging kids, while the other had him foaming at the mouth about Dave Kingman - but I disgress.)
The whole exercise got me thinking about what statues
should be outside of other stadiums. Not even Rodan's "Thinker", Michaelangelo's "David" or John Heisman's "Trophy" will have the power to move people that these monuments will have:
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Although it would be relevant to recognize today's fans with a statue of a family holding a map of Los Angeles with a look of great confusion while trying to find Angels Stadium, nothing symbolizes the majority of the team's history more eloquently than a bronze statue of Donnie Moore holding a shotgun.
St. Louis Cardinals: Although a giant bottle of andro would be a perfect symbol for the Mark McGwire era, and a bust of Tony Larussa's bleary, drunken eyes from his mug shot would have quiet dignity, nothing would be more appropriate than a statue of the Cardinal's greatest base stealer, Vince Coleman. Of course, in order to ensure that no rusting or other damage would occur from rain, the statue would need to be mangled under a tarp at all times. (Note: I really like the idea of all toilets having a statue of Joaquin Andujar behind them smashing it to bits with a baseball bat, but this might not be doable.)
Baltimore Orioles: My first thought was to have Tony Tarasco frozen in time, pointing up to Jeffrey Maier and appealing to Richie Phillips for the interference call that never came, a more fitting tribute to the "Spend a Lot, Win Little" Orioles is the Eternal Money Flame, a giant dollar sign similar to an Olympic torch, except that it is perpetually fed by $100 bills.
Boston Red Sox: A statue of Wade Boggs passed out in a plane seat covered in dozens of empty beer cans and fried chicken legs is a great visual. And nothing would summarize the prickly nature of the greatest player ever to wear a Red Sox jersey than an action statue of Ted Williams clocking a reporter. But to my mind, the choice has to be of Curt Schilling, meticulously applying a paint brush to his sock before Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. After all, the team's name is "The Red Sox" and it's also Schilling's only chance to be immortalized in such a way - it's not like he's getting a bust at Cooperstown. Plus, you could probably save on upkeep as he would almost certainly be there to polish and clean the statue every day to make sure it received maximum attention.
New York Yankees: They have enough statues, thanks. But if we have to create a new one for them, let it be Billy Martin snapping his own pitcher's (Ed Whitson) arm in a bar fight.
Toronto Blue Jays: I haven't worked out how you would make a statue of that couple "enjoying themselves carnally" in the hotel room in centerfield at the SkyDome with the windows open during a game (some sort of diorama?). So the choice here is former manager Tim Johnson, carrying three of his fallen comrades on his back to safety while single-handedly killing a dozen Viet Cong during his heroic tour of duty that he did in his mind.
Chicago White Sox: This is a tough one: a bunch of hippies blowing up Donna Summer records, or Ozzie Guillen strangling Jay Marrioti? Let's go a different route and celebrate something amazing - the game the White Sox played in shorts. Nothing says "immortal tribute" like Jim Spencer in short shorts, exposing his marble-white thighs while stretching for a ball a first.
Cleveland Indians: This really should be a series of statues paying tribute to Albert Belle placed throughout the stadium. Scenes include: him driving a car and running over trick-or treaters (placed in the parking lot); him heaving a ball into the chest of a heckler (located in foul territory in left) and his teammates retrieving and him glaring at a reporter with murderous hate (placed in the locker room).
Tampa Bay Rays: Simply put - Rocco Baldelli being wheeled into an MRI machine.
Detroit Tigers: I like the idea of a statue of Denny McLain arm in arm with several Italian "made men". However, I love the idea of a statue in the stands featuring Ty Cobb wailing away on a guy with no arms.
Kansas City Royals: Again, I'm torn - George Brett foaming at the mouth when flying out of the dugout during The Pine Tar Incident, or George Brett on the crapper with a tube of Preparation H in his hand? You can't go wrong either way, although I also insist on a statue of Bob Hamelin leaving the stadium in his uniform at the main exitway.
Oakland Athletics: Another easy one - Jose Canseco sticking a needle into Mark McGwire's ass while Tony Larussa looks off in the distance.
Seattle Mariners: I would go with the Mariner Moose writhing on the ground in rollerblades clutching his broken ankle, but I hate to honor mascots. Instead, let's honor a real American hero - let's have a statue of Jay Buhner vomiting on command.
Florida Marlins: A touching scene of Moises Alou, Kevin Brown and Gary Sheffield on an auction block going to the highest bidder.
New York Mets: A tribute to the 1986 World Series winners, featuring Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden playfully skiing down a mountain of blow.
Philadelphia Phillies: The Lenny Dykstra Commemorative Tobacco Juice Spit Fountain.
Chicago Cubs: Having an image of Moises Alou screaming and pointing at a dopey-looking Steve Bartman just seems mean. Instead, it's time to honor a legend: Harry Carey shirtless and face down in a pool of his own vomit, clutching a Bud in one hand and a hot dog in the other.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Time to immortalize the defining moment in a legendary pitcher's career: Randy Johnson plunking a wayward dove with a fastball, causing it to explode in an orgy of feathers.
Colorado Rockies: The new team is great, but let's not forget the legends who built the franchise. I'd like to see a lifesize statue of Vinny Castilla (Note: the immense size and weight of this statue would require massive reinforcement of the concrete below in order to avoid the statue falling into a massive sinkhole from which only Brendan Fraser can escape.)
Pittsburgh Pirates: It would be fitting but almost impossible to depict Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla glumly cleaning out their lockers after another playoff loss. Instead, put up a statue of Jason Kendall running a stride after first base on his ankle with the sole of his foot staring up at him. (Note: vomit bags should be made available.)
San Diego Padres: You could have Tony Gwynn getting his 3,000th hit in a Segway because he's too fat to actually get to first, but I actually don't think that's historically accurate. Instead, it's time to honor the team's lone NL MVP - Ken Caminitti "heroically" fighting off "flu-like symptoms" by coming to bat with an IV in his arm, a beer can attached to straws on his helmet and all manner of needles still in his butt.
San Francisco Giants: Yes, a lifesize bust of Barry Bonds would be great. But in order to make that fit in the stadium, you'd have to remove the giant mitt in center field, or drain McCovey's Cove. But I think all Giants fans would agree that honoring the greatest moment in the team's rivalry with the Dodgers would be perfect: an animatronic version of Juan Marichal cracking a bat over Johnny Roseboro's head, over and over.
