Earthquake felt across Southland attributed to Laker fans ripping flags off of cars

LOS ANGELES - Cal Tech researchers reported that a massive earth movement that registered 4.3 on the Richter scale Tuesday night was not an earthquake as previously thought, but the result of hundreds of thousands of small Laker flags being thrown to the ground in disgust after the team's series-clinching 131-92 defeat by the Boston Celtics in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.

The jolt was felt by people as far north as Merced and as far east as Phoenix at 8:54 p.m. Pacific time. Cal Tech researchers admitted that they were puzzled by the event.

"Of course, your first reaction is that this must be an earthquake, but it became apparent quickly from the data that there was no epicenter and in fact the impact was felt equally across the area," said Lucy Davis, a seismologist at Cal Tech. "It wasn't until we left the lab for the evening and saw the streets littered with hundreds of suction-cupped Lakers flags with tire tracks on them that we were able to piece this together."

Davis warned that something similar to aftershocks could be expected over the next few days, caused by Laker fans simultaneously slamming their garage doors as they put remaining Laker flags away for the next 11 months.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 6:01 PM 1 comments  

The Schilling Curse

Not to burst the bubble of my esteemed colleague, who seems to think that his daughter personally jinxed the Lakers and doomed them to a collapse similar to a Jenga tower built by Michael J. Fox (Editor's note: too soon?), but she was not responsible for what happened. No, the blame squarely rests on the shoulders of an organization known to be so corrupt, evil and Machiavellian that it's obvious that they would be responsible for this.

I'm, of course, talking about the New York Yankees.

Think back to before Game 4, when Curt Schilling blogged about sitting behind the Lakers bench for Game 2, and how Kobe wouldn't stop yelling at his teammates. First, let's concede that Schilling is an idiot and a lout - the fact that he is an athlete that is universally hated by bloggers despite being a blogger himself (usually an instant path to Blog Crush City) is proof enough of how transparent his self-promoting, blowhard ways are.

The problem came from Kobe's response when asked about Schilling's comments: "Go Yankees." Now, at first blush, that's a fun, innocuous comment that's good for a chuckle. But you have to be in Los Angeles and know the history to know that Kobe saying "Go Yankees" was not just tempting fate, but basically was A Hot, Blonde, Teenaged Hotel Worker in Vail for fate. (Editor's note: too so...never mind.)

I know Kobe spent most of his time in Italy, or Bulgaria, or wherever the hell he grew up, so his idea of a rivalry is his ego vs. Shaq's ego AC Milan vs. Juventes, but for people with any sense of history, the leading figure in the Los Angeles sports scene saying "Go Yankees" is the equivalent of Abraham Lincoln waving a Rebel flag while singing Dixie and beating a slave. (Maybe not quite that bad, but you get the point.)

The Yankees and the Dodgers have always hated each other, as long as there has been baseball, and the Dodgers moving from Brooklyn in the 1950s did little to change that. Things really were bad in the late 1970s and early 1980s. The Yankees beat the Dodgers in the World Series back to back in 1977 and 1978 before Los Angeles was able to extract some revenge in 1981. Tommy Lasorda would be spinning in his grave if he knew that the Lakers' star player was saying "Go Yankees."

(I've been told that Tommy Lasorda is still alive. Please substitute "his grave" for "the bed of a high-class call girl". Thanks.)

Frankly, Kobe's lucky that he wasn't struck by lightening, or that a plague of locusts didn't invade the Staples Center. At least he has booze to ease the pain.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:19 AM 0 comments  

NASCAR is more screwed than the NBA

In case you missed it on Monday, there was a story that broke featuring allegations that, if true, could potentially be so damaging as to cripple an entire sport. No, I'm not talking about Tim Donaghy's attempt to go down in a Tony Montana-like hail of bullets by claiming that Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference finals was fixed. (The main problem the NBA has in that regard is the lack of shock that fans would have to that being true, even before Donaghy opened his maw. The fact that the latest Fox Sports poll shows that almost 80 percent of fans think that the fix was in on that game tells me that there was a fair amount of distrust of the NBA in general.)

No, I'm talking about NASCAR, and the $225 million discrimination lawsuit brought by a former tecnhnical inspector who is black and female. Obviously, it will be up to the courts to decide exactly what did or didn't happen, but Mauricia Grant's allegations make NASCAR seem like it's being run by some combination of Marge Schott, Isiah Thomas and this LSU baseball fan. Among some of the "highlights" of the allegations in her lawsuit:

• Co-workers gave her such heartfelt and personal nicknames as "Nappy Headed Mo'" and "Queen Sheba" and told her that she worked on "colored people time"
• Her supervisor, Nationwide Series director Joe Balash (you know, the person she should have turned to with complaints about discrimination) asked her "Does your workout include an urban obstacle course with a flat-screen TV on your back?"
• Grant was forced to work outside more often than the white male officials because her supervisors believed she couldn't sunburn because she was black - apparently NASCAR has hired Dusty Baker as their Special Sunburn Advisor
• When packing up a dark garage at Texas Motor Speedway an official told Grant: "Keep smiling and pop your eyes out 'cause we can't see you."

And on and on. I know some of you are saying "This is a surprise?" And yeah, any sport that has hundreds of Rebel flags flying in the infield and stands during events has a bit of a problem with race. Which, of course, is why this is so bad. NASCAR is desperate to move past it's redneck past, but without alienating their "core" fans (i.e rednecks). In order to continue to grow (and stop their ratings flatlining), they need to reach new audiences. Advertisers need NASCAR to broaden their reach. That's why they've poured huge resources into their largely-unsuccessful Drive for Diversity campaign.

And then this happens. As you can expect, NASCAR has gone into full retreat mode, with NASCAR Chairman Brian France saying that he just wishes she would have gone to her supervisors with her complaints instead of filing a lawsuit. The same supervisors who were asking her if a little urban looting was part of her workout routine. Right.

All in all, I'm just stunned that NASCAR didn't settle this quietly and out of the public eye, whether the allegations were true or not. It's a huge, dark cloud hanging over the sport as it tries to maintain its position as a major sport and not drift back into "niche sport" status that is beloved by some in certain areas but not popular across the US.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:17 AM 1 comments  

Crotchety old man doing crotchety old man things at MSU

Mississippi State baseball coach Ron Polk retired this season after 35 seasons and 1,373 wins to his name. As you might expect, he thought he should have some say in the hiring of his successor, backing longtime assistant coach (and former player under him) Tommy Raffo. However, Mississippi State recently brought in a new athletic director, Greg Byrne. And he, for obvious reasons, wanted to put his own stamp on the athletic department, and decided to hire Kentucky coach John Cohen.

Big mistake.

Polk is, as they say down South, madder than a toothless dog with a bone. (I don't know if they actually say that; I might have mixed up my Southern sayings with the wisdom of Ed Anger.) Polk has ripped into Byrne, said that he is "on the war path" and has vowed to "do everything I can to make his life miserable."

Among Polk's plans to protest the "snub" of Raffo are:

• Removing his name from the stadium
• Taking Mississippi State from his will
• Use his influence to undermine several successful booster clubs
• "Personally" take down banners that display his name and number
• Hold his breath until they hire Raffo or he dies, in which case they'll have to live with that the rest of their lives (Editor's Note: I made this one up)

Other than pointing out that it's shame that his wife and family will presumably will have to be written back into his will (and that I'd like to see him on a ladder, angrily taking down banners as if he's a homeowner whose house just got TP'ed), I feel like Polk has a point here - other coaches who have reached legendary status in their respective fields have had the chance to hand pick their successors, so why shouldn't he? Again, I don't think it warrants him acting like a petulant child who didn't get to buy a toy at Wal-Mart, but who am I to judge?*

*Answer: a member of the World Wide Blogosphere, that's who.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:30 AM 0 comments  

Five non-conference trap games for national title contenders

Every year, you can go through the college football schedule and find several games involving national title contenders that just jump out at you as all sorts of potential trouble. It doesn't always work out that way - sometimes the "better" team does what they are supposed to do and takes care of business. But sometimes these games lead to dogfights...and upsets.

As a wise, squid-faced Admiral once said...

























IT'S A TRAP!

Here are five games to watch out for this season as games with the potential to change the title chase.

Oklahoma @ Washington (Sept. 13): Washington is either going to be one of the surprise teams in college football this season, or else the Huskies will be in the familiar role of conducting a search for a new head coach at the end of the season. Jake Locker is going to be a handful for the Sooners' defense to control, and if he has matured as a passer over the off-season, look out. Plus, we all know what happened the last time Oklahoma ventured to the Pacific Northwest.

Georgia vs. Central Michigan (Sept. 6): With all the talk of the Murder's Row that Georgia has for itself in terms of their schedule this year, and with their SEC opener against The Ol' Ball Coach the following week, it would be understandable if the Bulldogs look past Central Michigan. They shouldn't. The Chippewas have stud QB Dan LeFevour, who joined Vince Young last season as the only two QBs to pass for 3,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. Now, Central Michigan's defense isn't nearly good enough to slow down, much less stop, Georgia's offense. But don't be surprised if this isn't more of a shootout and a lot closer than people would think.

LSU vs. Appalachian State (Aug. 30): I don't think we need to explain why this could be a dangerous game for the Tigers. But still, knowing what Appalachian State did last season, there's no way that LSU overlooks the Mountaineers, right? Right?

Texas vs. Florida Atlantic (Aug. 30): Remember who Texas let Arkansas State hang around in last season's opener before stumbling their way to a 21-13 victory? That wasn't the first time they've had trouble with supposed "easy" victories under Mack Brown. If they pull the same stunt against Florida Atlantic - the class of the Sun Belt - they might not be so lucky. FAU QB Rusty Smith (which is kind of a dirty name if you work really hard to make it so) threw for more than 3,600 yards and 32 TDs last year. And Owls head coach Howard Schnellenberger isn't going to be intimidated by the name on the other team's jerseys. This could be big, big trouble for the Longhorns.

Wisconsin @ Fresno St. (Sept. 13): It's one thing to schedule a game against the "giant killers" from the Central Valley. It's another thing to schedule one at their place. From personal experience, I can tell you that it's going to be witheringly hot at Bulldog Stadium, and the atmosphere should be insane. It's not going to help the Badgers that this might be Pat Hill's best team ever at Fresno St. This is less "trap" and more "giant flashing sign that says Uh Oh."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:39 PM 0 comments  

A nice, relaxing, 50-minute brawl

Now, nobody loves a good ol' fashioned baseball fight like yours truly. Nothing like a dust-up to inject some life into a game. However, there's such a thing as too much. A five or ten-minute brawl? Sure, that's great. But one that takes more than 50 minutes to break up and sort out? That just seems...excessive.

But that's exactly what happened in Modesto, CA on Saturday as the Class-A California League Modesto Nuts (please, no jokes...OK, feel free to make jokes) threw down with the Stockon Ports (not named after the desert wine, unfortunately) for almost an hour of haymakers, body blows and lots of guys rolling around in the grass with each other. And it wasn't just your usual baseball fight, usually consisting of a couple of guys flailing their arms like elementary school girls in what could very loosely be called "punching" before everyone spills out and proceeds to hug each other for a few minutes. No, this was a full scale, Pier 6 brawl. Ask one of the Ports' relievers, who broke bones in his face after eating some punches and will likely miss the rest of the year.

The best part of all of this? It happened during the one inning per game that the Nuts designated as $1 beer inning. So (factoring in the rest of the inning) for more than an hour, you could get $1 beers from the concession stands. Who says nothing ever comes from violence!

No word on if the 7th Inning Stretch was renamed the 7th Inning Puke on Your Neighbor.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:25 PM 0 comments  

Big Brown allegedly threw Belmont Stakes to repay large gambling debt

BELMONT, NY - As an inspection the day after Big Brown's stunning last-place finish at the Belmont Stakes found nothing physically wrong with the Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner, a cloud of suspicion fell over the racing world as allegations surfaced that the champion horse may have thrown the race in order to pay off heavy gambling debts incurred during a trip to Atlantic City with Charles Barkley the previous weekend.

Pictures circulated online today showing a horse bearing a striking resemblance to Big Brown at the betting window at Belmont Park early Saturday morning. Belmont Park officials also reported that a bettor who identified himself as "I. Horse" collected a $2,000 bet on Belmont Stakes winner Da'Tara, a 30 to 1 underdog. The winning ticket, shown to reporters at a press conference, smelled of manure and was covered in apple and carrot stains.

Several witnesses have come forward anonymously to paint a portrait of a star horse thrust into the national spotlight and unable to cope with the pressure. One person, an insider with ties to the horse who would only identify himself as "Kent", said that the issues became worse after the Preakness when he "began running with celebrities" and getting into a fast and loose lifestyle. The worst influence on Big Brown was former NBA great Charles Barkley, a noted gambler who recently settled a case involving a large sum of money owed to a Las Vegas casino.

"The weekend before the race, I heard that Charles was going to be in town and I knew it was bad news," said "Kent." "The next thing I know, I'm hearing these stories about tens of thousands of dollars begin lost at the blackjack table, and all sorts of...well...ugly things."

"Kent" said that he had heard rumors that Big Brown, 3, had run into trouble at one casino after being caught trying to implement a crude "card counting" system.

"Apparently, it was the same system those M.I.T. kids used in that movie," said "Kent." "The problem is that, like all horses, Big Brown has to rely on a rudimentary system of stomping to count. That was a dead giveaway. From what I heard, a few goons roughed him up pretty good - let's just say that he didn't get that 'cracked hoof' from running too many practice laps."

Although he admits that Big Brown should have known better, "Kent" said that Barkley clearly led him down the wrong path.

"I mean, Big Brown can't afford to be a high rolling gambler," said "Kent." "He gets paid in oats - literally. And the second Big Brown really got in a bad way, suddenly Charles is all 'hey, I gotta go run off to LA to shoot a new commercial with D-Wade and he's gone. Some friend, huh?"

National Horse Racing Association officials said that if the allegations were true, they would mark the darkest moment in horse racing history since "that last really bad scandal we had a few weeks ago about...I forget which one that was - doping...cheating...overuse?"

Big Brown offered a simple "Neigh Comment" when reached by this reporter.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:08 PM 2 comments  

Dear ESPN Euro 2008 Studio Host...

In soccer, they are called "goalkeepers" - you use the term "goaltenders" in hockey. Also, when you throw to the announce team that is going to call the US vs. Argentina friendly, the color guy's name is pronounced "Harks" - the "e" is silent. Since he's a US Soccer Hall of Famer and the network's lead soccer analyst, you might want to get that straight.

Hope this helps,
The Duke

P.S. Just as a good rule of thumb - when you are talking, take a look at Andy Gray - he's the Scottish guy sitting to your left that seems to actually know a lot about the sport...no, not the chick - that's Julie Foudy. Anyway, if he is clutching his pencil like he wants to use it as a weapon to jam into your windpipe to shut you up, you probably are off on the wrong track.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:12 PM 1 comments  

R.I.P. Jim McKay

If there was one person whom I could point to as being the key person in forming me into a sports fan from a young age, that person wouldn't be a star athlete or coach. It would be an announcer - Jim McKay. No one has ever been better at conveying the real emotion that goes into sports - any sport. As he would say each week in the intro to "Wide World of Sports", it was "the human drama of athletic competition" that he understood and perhaps was better than anyone at getting through to the audience.

Jim McKay died today at his home in Maryland at the age of 86. Most obituaries will (rightfully) lead with his coverage of the Munich Olympics tragedy, the former newspaper police beat reporter thrust into the role of television newsman telling the world about the most horrific of all crimes. And having covered 12 Olympics, the link between the event and McKay is strong.

But what made McKay such a great Olympics host is what made him perfect for his "Wide World of Sports" duties. He was able to take a sporting event - any sporting event - and decipher the real emotion of the competitors. It might be the Gran Prix in Monaco, or a table tennis championship in China, or demolition derby from Florida - for the men and women competing, these events meant the world to them, and he owed it to them to get that across to the audience.

In his autobiography, he tells of broadcasting from the World Barrel Jumping championships from upstate New York in the 1960s. The leading competitor was trying to break a world record for barrels cleared (something like 17), one that was considered to be unbreakable by those in the barrel jumping world. And when this person made his attempt, and set the world record, the crowd reacted as if it was a home run in Game 7 of the World Series. The crowd rushed the ice to carry him off on their shoulders; his wife came to greet him in tears; and as McKay noted in his book, it was hard not to get caught up in the excitement, and why not - for this group of people, this was the biggest event in their worlds. His job was to make sure that the rest of us understood that feeling, even if our interests in barrel jumping were limited.

As I've mentioned, I'll always link Jim McKay and the Indianapolis 500 in my mind. I think that Jim McKay was such a unique motorsports announcer for me because he didn't try to be oblivious or dismissive of the dangers associated with the sport. In fact, he quit broadcasting the 500 for several years in the 1970s after becoming tired of seeing brave men be carried away in stretchers or body bags. But at the same time, it's that ever-present danger that makes auto racing such a uniquely compelling sport - you care because it's not just hyperbole to say that the drivers are "putting it all on the line" every race.

I'll leave with Jim McKay's commentary (along with Sam Posey) of the final few laps of the 1982 Indianapolis 500, and Rick Mears' frantic attempts to catch and pass Gordon Johncock. I'm sorry if you don't get goosebumps the same way I do. There never will be another broadcaster like Jim McKay, not that I can see. Announcers today feel the need to resort to shouting, screaming and other vocal tics to let you know that THIS IS INTENSE!!! Jim McKay was able to convey that ten times over with half the volume and frenetics, because he actually felt the emotion.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:56 PM 1 comments  

Your UFC 85 Preview

I like mixed martial arts. And I know about as much about the sport as a short, pudgy guy with no martial arts training can. (The closest I come is that my dad used to use Hi Karate cologne - hope that helps!) But I want to make sure that you, the Your Face reader, is as informed as possible about this fascinating, cauliflower-ear popping sport.

So let me introduce you to Stock, who is going to be providing occasional MMA coverage for the site. Unlike my pansy ass, Stock is an amateur MMA fighter who has trained with some top fighters. And I've personally seen him put a guy into an armbar and then throw him into a hotel swimming pool - all while sans clothing - at 3 a.m. (I didn't actually see this, but judging by the underwear that was down at the hotel pool the next morning, I'll take his word for it.)

Stock is previewing tomorrow night's upcoming UFC 85 PPV event. Although this is the first UFC PPV card in recent memory without a title bout, it should still be a highly-entertaining card stocked deep with quality matches.

Without any further adieu, here is Stock with your UFC 85 Preview:

Saturday, June 7, 2008
Live from the O2 Arena in London on PPV at 2pm (CST).
Replayed on PPV at 9pm (CST)

Matt Hughes vs Thiago Alves (Main Event)
Matt Hughes may go down as the best welterweight ever. Until losing to Georges St. Pierre in late 2006, Hughes went on a 2 year roll walking thru tough competitors such as Frank Trigg, Royce Gracie, Georges St. Pierre, and BJ Penn. Although GSP seems to have Hughes number now (beating him twice), many feel Hughes is still the 2nd best fighter in the division. This is a huge fight for Matt Hughes if he intends to ever get a shot at the title again before he retires. For Alves, this could put him on the fast track for a title shot. He is coming off 5 straight wins in the UFC (most recently KO'ing Karo Parisyan).

Thiago definitely has the advantage in the stand up game. However Hughes will likely try to use his wrestling and superior strength to get Thiago down to the ground and pound him out. Things look bright for Alves considering Karo (a world known Judo expert) was unable to take him down.

The odds makers are favoring Hughes by about a 62/38 margin, but Alves is on a roll and hungry for a title shot.

Michael Bisping vs Jason Day (Co-Main Event)
Michael Bisping will be a huge crowd favorite fighting in his homeland in England. He was very successful Light Heavyweight after winning "The Ultimate Fighter" reality show on SpikeTV. However, (being a little small for that weight class), he dropped down to Middle Weight in UFC 83 and put a beat down on Charles McCarthy making him unable to answer the bell for the 2nd round. If Bisping can make quick work out of Jason Day, he may be a fight away from a title shot at seemingly invincible Anderson Silva. Jason Day had an impressive first round KO over Alan Belcher in UFC 83, but many think that Bisping is in an entire different league when it comes to striking.

The odds makers are giving Bisping a 77/23 edge, but I don't see Bisping losing this one on his home court.

Brandon Vera vs Fabricio Werdum (Live Heavyweight)
Vera came into the UFC like a bolt of lightning; 4-0 quickly finishing off Frank Mir, Justin Eilers, Assuerio Silva, and Fabiano Sherner. He looked to be on top of the world until he fought Tim Sylvia who exposed Vera's seemingly only weakness (his size). He is pretty small relative to most heavyweights and Werdum will not be an easy test coming off a loss.

Although Werdum lost by unanimous decision in his UFC debut against Andre Arlovski, he rebounded quickly by knocking out Gabe Gonzaga in the 2nd round of UFC 80. Werdum has excellent submissions (submitting his victims in all 3 of his Pride victories), but obviously has good standup skills given his last fight against Gonzaga. This should not come as a surprise being Mirko Cro Cop's training partner in Japan.

The odds makers are giving a very slim edge to Werdum (53/47), and may be the most difficult fight to call of the night. Both fighters have great Jiu Jitsu and great standup.


Marcus Davis vs. Mike Swick (Live Welterweight)
Swick made his welterweight debut in January and despite looking a little sluggish from the drop in weight was able to pull out a decision victory over Josh Burkman. Assuming he is used to the new weight class now, most are expecting him to look a lot more explosive like he was in the heavier weight class.

Marcus "The Irish Hand Grenade" Davis is a very exciting fighter with heavy hands. He is moving his way quickly up the rankings, and is still undefeated in the UFC (6-0). His only weakness so far may be the quality of the opponents he has fought so far (no huge names). Swick will be his toughest competitor to date.

The odds makers give a 62/38 advantage to Davis. Will Davis continue to roll his way up the welterweight rankings or will Swick show that he has a home in this new weight class?

Nate Marquardt vs. Thales Leites (Live Middleweight)
Marquardt has pretty much manhandled everyone in the division except for Silva (the champ). He is a very strong, good wrestler with excellent submissions. His strength allows him to neutralize most fighters' strengths and eventually can get it to the ground and work for submissions.

Thales Leites is on a 3 fight winning streak despite losing in his UFC debut to Martin Kampmann by decision.

Leites has the submission skills to put away just about anyone, but will Marquardt's strength be too much to handle?

The odds makers are favoring Marquardt 75/25.

Other fights on the card that will not be shown live. Some may be shown prerecorded if time permits in the 3 hour PPV slot.
Martin Kampmann vs. Jorge Rivera
Jess Liaudin vs. Paul Taylor
Eddie Sanchez vs. Antoni Hardonk
Thiago Tavares vs. Matt Wiman
Kevin Burns vs. Roan Carneiro
Luiz Cane vs. Jason Lambert

Watch for a big KO in the Sanchez/Hardonk fight. These heavyweights both have very heavy hands and can throw bombs with the best.

The Kampmann/Rivera fight should also be a great one. Kampmann is undefeated in the UFC (3-0), and is coming off a big win over Drew McFedries. Rivera is coming off a big 1st round KO victory over Kendel Grove.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:48 PM 0 comments