Your Super Bowl Recap: Holy Fuck...

Having your birthday fall on Super Bowl is not a good thing for your liver, or for your ability to make it to work on time the next day. Needless to say, I was somewhat...not prepared...to post about the Super Bowl last night. Any post I would have made would have been nothing but a breathless series or incoherent, expletive-filled exclamations. And we already have one writer for the blog who provides that with every post. (Editor's Note: Zing.)

I spent the first three quarters trying to decide how to sum up what some people might call a "gripping defensive struggle," while others would say it "sucked on toast." And then the fourth quarter came, and then...well, at this point you know the rest. But here I am, on Monday morning, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Eli Manning didn't just win the Super Bowl, he's he's now a Super Bowl legend.

To quote John Wayne, the whole thing rigoddamneddiculous.

With 2:42 left, and the Patriots having just scored a go-ahead touchdown, I was sitting at my friend's place and thinking my Super Bowl Prediction Haiku was going to be pretty damned prescient: the Giants had hung around, but the Patriots decided at the last minute to do just enough to win. Yes, it was going to be another underwhelming win, but it was going to be 19 in a row this season, and it would be pretty tough to argue with that.

And then...Eli Freakin' Manning.

You know who leads their team the length of the field for a Super Bowl-winning touchdown with less than two minutes to play? Joe Montana. And apparently now, Eli Manning. I mean, once Tom Brady threw that touchdown to Randy Moss, we all knew that it was over, right? Even with as "magical" of a post-season as Manning had been having, there was no way to recover from the kidney punch that was that touchdown drive by the Patriots.

Unless, of course, you pull off one of the most incredible plays in Super Bowl, if not (especially given the context) NFL history:



(On a side note, let's not forget that Asante Samuel had a chance to wrap up the game on the previous play, when Eli and...yup...David Tyree...got their routes mixed up and a pass wound up right in Samuel's hands. Make that play, and it's 19-0, and we're here contemplating
how Eli Manning could throw an INT with the game on the line.)

The hype leading up to the Super Bowl about Eli Manning always felt like a joke waiting for a punchline to me. Every time someone suggested that Eli Manning had "arrived" I was waiting for the rimshot.

"Eli Manning is aving one of the best playoffs of any quarterback in recent memory."
BA-DUM!
"The Giants have a chance to shock the Patriots if Eli continues to play like this."
BA-DUM-BUMP!

It turns out the joke was on the Patriots. Eli Manning pulled off perhaps the most stunning touchdown drive in NFL history, and in the process slew Goliath, rescued America from a deep national depression, made sports safe for kids and the dads to enjoy without fearing that an ogre-like figure in a hoodie would ruin it for everyone, and someone saved the dogs from the Puppy Bowl from a house fire.

And for the Patriots? Finishing the season with one loss for them probably has to be a bit more bitter than the 1985 Bears. I thing I will say is that the criticism of Bill Belichick for walking off the field with one second left is pretty baseless. Remember that the clock originally had run out after the Patriots' fourth down conversion attempt failed, and that's when Belichick started walking across the field. Once he's three-quarters of the way over and has already shook hands with Tom Coughlin, what's he supposed to do, go back to his sideline and coach the last kneel-down?

Still, seeing The Hoodie and The Golden Boy have to eat this loss certainly didn't make me weep.

The bottom line is that it's a day later, I'm sober, and I still can't make any sense of what happened in the Super Bowl. Depending on the arc of the rest of Eli Manning's career, this is either going to be looked back on as a defining moment, or one of the flukiest, strangest moments in Super Bowl history.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:39 AM 2 comments  

Your Super Bowl Prediction Haiku

Giants keep it close
Patriots pull away late
Petty is no Prince

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:50 PM 1 comments  

Comedic Value of Mike Tyson in South Africa Puts Blog Writer in a Coma

LOS ANGELES – Blogger Richard Manfredi, a New York Times noted expert on sports and humor, was found in his apartment yesterday in an apparently paralytic state after trying to comprehend the comedic possibilities of Mike Tyson’s recent trip to South Africa.

Manfredi had sent the original story to Mark “fkn” McLane, a co-writer on the blog Your Face is a Sports Blog, at roughly 2 p.m. with the message “OMG OMG OMG!” Manfredi did not respond to multiple responses from McLane, who eventually called Los Angeles police, who broke down Manfredi’s apartment door and found the writer sitting, frozen at his computer desk, with the screen still on the Tyson story.

The story involved Jacob Zuma, the leader of South Africa’s ruling African National Congress, bowing to public pressure and not attending a charity banquet for Tyson as planned. Like Tyson, Zuma has been subject to allegations of sexual assault. In 2006, Zuma was acquitted of rape charges stemming from sex with a family friend that Zuma said was consensual. Zuma admitted to having sex with the woman without a condom, despite knowing that she was HIV-positive, but he took a shower afterwards to “cut the risk of contracting HIV.” During the trial, Zuma also said that he interpreted the fact that his accuser had been wearing a skirt as a sign of inviting his sexual advances.

Manfredi was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. At an early morning press conference, doctors said that Manfredi was "stable, although still essentially catatonic."

“We think that, after seeing the story, Mr. Manfredi’s brain had trouble processing all of the different comedic possibilities, while balancing the fact that trying to make light of any story involving sexual abuse and HIV is a tricky task at best,” said Dr. Winfield Jones, a neurosurgeon heading up Manfredi’s treatment team. “At some point, he believe that too many neurons were firing at the same time, and that he essentially overloaded the part of cortex that deals with humor. In short, he fried his brain.”

McLane speculated that reading that Tyson was good friends with Winnie Mandela, the ex-wife of former President Nelson Mandela and someone with a checkered past of her own, might have been the final straw.

“I understand that as he was being rushed to the hospital in the ambulance, paramedics reported him muttering ‘Winnie Mandela is the next Robin Givens’ over and over,” McLane said. “The poor bastard never had a chance.”

Doctors are taking a “wait and see” approach to Manfredi’s recovery. He is currently being kept in a sound-proof isolation chamber in an attempt to minimize any stress placed on his fragile psyche.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:47 AM 4 comments  

Plans for All You Can Eat Section at NASCAR Track Frightening Waste Management Experts

DARLINGTON, SC - The nation's leading waste management experts were alternately "shocked," "frightened" and "appalled" by the announcement today that Darlington Motor Speedway would offer an All You Can Eat food option for fans attending the NASCAR race held at the track on May 10.

Under the new plan - which is modeled on similar successful plans at baseball stadiums such as Dodger Stadium - for $60, adults can receive a ticket for a grandstand seat and unlimited hamburgers, hot dogs, snack items and soft drinks.

John Dickson, a consultant with over 30 years of waste management experience, shuddered at the concept.

"Even under normal circumstances, hundreds of thousands of NASCAR fans place an enormous strain on the infrastructure of not just a track, but an entire city," Dickson said. "Offering fans all the burgers and hot dogs they can eat is just asking for a sewage disaster of epic proportions."

Dickson outlined several catastrophic scenarios from these plans:

With a huge increase in fried, greasy food being consumed, the restrooms at the track could become so full that it is impossible to use them during the race. Dickson: "I would say this is pretty much the best case scenario."
The sheer volume of waste matter going through the toilets could be so massive that it could back up the entire sewage system for the entire Darlington area. Dickson: "Have you ever heard the phrase 'trying to put 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound sack?' This is like trying to put millions of pounds of crap into that sack. You could have a complete breakdown in the sewage system in the area."
The high concentration of human waste could also create a methane cloud that could hover over the track and put the fans and drivers at risk of poisoning. Dickson: "If nothing else, the smell is going to be like a million hobos in a sauna - you'll pray for a cold so that you can't smell."

Dickson also warned that the high volume of food will also be exacerbated by the heavy amount of drinking that takes place at NASCAR races. He warns that this could make the sewage system problem just as bad the next morning, due to a phenomenon known in the waste management industry as "the beer shits."

In a related note, NASCAR announced that the May 10 race at Darlington would be renamed the Andy Gump Port-A-Potty 500.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:19 PM 2 comments  

The Guy from Hermans Head, a Dwarf, and a Bunch of Pissed Off Japanese Tourists

This is only marginally sports-related, but it's so cool that I thought it was worth mentioning. This is from the blog of Ken Levine, who along with being a writer/director/producer for such shows as Cheers, Frasier, MASH, The Simpsons, and about 50 or so others, has also worked as a play-by-play man for the Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres and Baltimore Orioles. In short, he's lived a much, much better, more interesting life than you or I could ever imagine.

This weekend, Levine posted an an "unfortunate" audience story. It involved a show he was directing called Brother's Keeper that starred William Ragsdale (Herman from Herman's Head, a very underrated show) as a father with a son, blah blah blah. Because of child labor laws, they could only use the kid actor for shooting. So for rehearsals, blocking, etc., they relied on a stand-in: a middle-aged dwarf that was about the same size as the kid.

At some point, a Japanese tour group comes in too watch a taping. Remembering that none of them speak English, here is the first thing they see:

Me, making a guy in his 30’s scold a middle-aged dwarf to such a degree that the dwarf breaks down crying and runs from the set.

They were appalled! Outraged! As one, they got up and marched out, glaring at me and calling me things that did not need any translation.

Needless to say I have not been invited to direct any Japanese sitcoms. And I don’t think Billy Ragsdale has had too many offers to appear over there either.

Guessing by their usual game show fare, they probably were offended that Levine didn't force the dwarf to eat some high school girl's panties. Oh, those wacky Japanese.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:05 PM 0 comments  

Report: Santana Traded to the Mets

According to USA Today's Bob Nightengale, the New York Mets have acquired two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana from the Minnesota Twins in exchange for four minor-league prospects. On the surface, the deal seems OK for the Twins: the four players (pitchers Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey and outfielder Carlos Gomez) are four of the Mets' top seven prospects, according to Baseball America.

But here's the weird part - not part of the deal was Fernando Martinez, the Mets' No. 1 prospect in their farm system - he's listed by Baseball America as their leading prospect on the team at hitting for power and average. It's baffling to me that - when trading away arguably the best pitcher in baseball, that you wouldn't get the other team's No. 1 prospect as part of the package. Especially since it was rumored that adding Martinez to the trade was crucial for the Twins to make the deal with the Mets.

The Twins had earlier set today as the deadline for offers from interested teams. Unless you believe the rumors echoed by The Twins Geek, that Santana imposed the deadline himself. No matter what, it certainly didn't help the Twins get the best deal possible. Needless to say, the fans commenting at Twinkie Town have been less than unanimous in their support.

So, we'll see. Martinez could flame out (he struggled in his call up to Double-A last season, but he is very young) and Gomez could be a future Hall of Famer. But it's hard to look at that trade without thinking there is a lot more celebration in the Mets' offices today than in the Twins'

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:42 PM 1 comments  

Quick Hits

- In stunning news, the always-excellent Tom Hoffarth of the Los Angeles Daily News reports that the 2008 Lingerie Bowl has been canceled (for the second consecutive year) because of bungling from the promoters. Sounds like these guys are about as with it as the marketing team behind the NHL All-Star Game (that was this weekend, in case you didn't know. Which you didn't.)
- Following up our story yesterday on Kevin Love being heckled mercilessly by Oregon fans, here's a fan sign that is creative, well-done and isn't too personal. Well done, kid. The Duke abides.
- The Seattle Times on-going investigation of the 2000 Washington Huskies shows a level of malfeasance, corruption and lack of morals that, even for a cynical sports fan like me, is pretty shocking. As Deadspin pointed out, everyone associated with the team seem like horrible people. You'll want to bathe after reading the stories, just to get the filth off. And the head coach of that 2000 Huskies' team? Rick Neuheisel. Should be some...interesting times...at Westwood the next few seasons.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 3 comments  

Indianapolis Announces Super Bowl Bid Slogan

INDIANAPOLIS - Civic leaders today kicked off the city's bid for the 2012 Super Bowl by unveiling the slogan for the campaign in a ceremony outside of the RCA Dome. Leaders hope that "It Can't Be Worse Than Detroit" will drive across the key points they hope to impress upon NFL executives in their bid to host the Super Bowl.

"I mean, after they had the Super Bowl in Detroit in 2006, I guess they're letting any city with an NFL team and a domed stadium host it," said Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard. "This slogan serves as an opportunity to remind owners and NFL executives of where they've had past Super Bowls, and the type of precedent that has set. We might not be the biggest city in the world, but hey, we're not Detroit!"

Ballard pointed out the many attractive qualities of Indianapolis and fun activities visitors could take part in while visiting the city for a Super Bowl. They include:

• Using the cold Indiana winter weather as a chance to explore the high quality of the heaters in the city's many hotels.
• Take in a game featuring one of Indiana's star-studded winter sports teams, such as the Indiana Pacers and...the Indiana Pacers.
• Drive 30 minutes to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and see what an empty race track looks like.
• Visit the Indianapolis Zoo and see examples of local wildlife native to Indiana, including the pig, cow, horse, mule and farm dog.
• Go to the Connor Prairie Museum and experience life on a rural farm in the Pioneer days. Or, visit any farm 10 miles or more outside of Indianapolis and see basically the same thing.
• Explore all of the fine dining and nightlife options Indianapolis has to offer. After this, plan your second day in the city.
• Sit quietly in your hotel room, wondering if Fresno would be more exciting.

Ballard also promised a halftime show by Indiana-native and music legend John Mellencamp, including a special performance of "This is Our Country" that will be "just as fresh and hip" ion 2012 as it is today.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:43 AM 3 comments  

Quick Hits

• Former USC, Arizona and Missouri head coach Larry Smith died today in Tucson after a lengthy illness. He was 68. At least he lived long enough to see someone come along who would ensure that he wasn't remembered as the worst coach in modern USC history.
• Speaking of USC, I don't know if you got a chance to watch the game against Oregon on Saturday, but it was a doozy. USC "blew" a 14-point lead against the Ducks (and I put "blew" in quotes just because USC didn't play that mad down the stretch - Oregon was just unconscious from beyond the arc in the final three minutes), but still got off the deck to win in overtime. OJ Mayo scored 25 while dealing with persistent leg cramps (and having briefly been declared ineligible by the NCAA and then made eligible again after the whole free ticket mess), while Daniel Hackett and Dwight Lewis each had career-highs with 26 and 24 points each.
• Speaking of Oregon...coach Ernie Kent had to go out before the USC game and implore the student section to behave in an appropriate manner. This was on the heels of the game against UCLA on Thursday, which was the homecoming for Kevin Love. Needless to say, when Ben Howland uses the terms "vile," "inappropriate" and "disgusting" to describe the fans, it's pretty bad:

"One fan brandished a homemade placard alluding to the cocaine use of Love's cousin, Brian Wilson, of the Beach Boys. Others waved signs displaying the digits of Love's cell phone number or questioning his sexual orientation. And at one point, the entire sea of yellow-shirted Oregon students showered Love with profane taunts and screams of delight when he left the game after being poked in the eye."

I'm sure a lot of it was inappropriate and borderline awful...but referencing a coked-to-the-tits Brian Wilson? That's just funny. And terrible. But funny.

• And by "the luck of the draw," Premiership leaders Manchester United and Arsenal will face each other in the Round 16 of the FA Cup. It seems about as "random" as Triple H and John Cena drawing the Nos. 29 and 30 pills at the Royal Rumble last night - who knew Mr. McMahon was a soccer fan, much less ran the English FA?
  

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:25 PM 0 comments  

South Beats North in Senior Bowl, Avenges Civil War

MOBILE, AL - Florida's Andre Caldwell scored on a two-yard touchdown run as time expired to give the South a dramatic 17-16 victory over the North in the Senior Bowl on Saturday. And even though it was an exhibition game, it still served as vindication for millions of fans of the South still hurting from the last meaningful clash between these two bitter rivals - the Civil War.

"Boy, we said that The South Would Rise Again, and we meant it," said Grady Alexander, a gas station attendant from Mobile who bought tickets to the game - a match-up showcasing graduating seniors to NFL scouts - after hearing of the North vs. South team match-ups. "Those Yankees never knew what hit 'em."

Celebrations spread quickly through the South after the game. Thousands of fans in cities throughout the region took to the streets to celebrate, waving giant Rebel flags as a way to to their Southern pride, but not at all in a racist way. The most serious incident was in South Carolina, where a group of Civil War reenactors calling themselves "The Sons of the Sons of the Confederacy" attempted to capture of the gift shop at the Fort Sumner Museum and "liberate" the T-shirts, pins, and fridge magnets "as war loot."

Caldwell (pictured, right) was apprehensive when asked after the game how it felt to give so much pride back to white Southerners.

"Umm...I'm not sure I scored, actually," he said. "I might have stepped out of bounds, or have been lined up off the line of scrimmage. Or maybe we had 12 men on the field. I think I should, in the spirit of fair play, report these things to the ref so that the final score can be overturned."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:12 PM 0 comments