I am officially the first sports blog to use John Zorn as a punchline to a joke. You are welcome, blogosphere.
Feb 12, 2008
In Wacky Mix-Up, Redskins Name Avant-Garde Jazz Artist John Zorn New Head Coach
WASHINGTON, DC - After earlier announcing that they had promoted recently-hired offensive coordinator Jim Zorn to fill their head coaching vacancy, an embarrassed Washington Redskins organization were forced to hire avant-garde jazz musician and composer John Zorn as their head coach after a series of clerical errors.
"Accoring to what our lawyers tell me, we are on the hook to pay John Zorn $3.5 million over the next three years," said Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, "and I'm not a person who is going to let that kind of money go to waste. If we're going to be paying this beatnik that kind of money, we might as well get some value out of it. Plus, we've been looking for a head coach forever, and we were probably going to have to hire a new one next year anyway, so whatever."
Snyder explained that a formal contract was drawn up by the team's legal department, but a smudging of the ink on a handwritten note made the first name appear to read "John." From there, a series of what Snyder called "regrettable missteps and lack of oversight" lead to a contract being delivered to the jazz autumns, known for his forays into hardcore, filmic and klezmer music - mixing traditional jazz and chaotic noise. It is believed that John Zorn signed the contract without reading it, believing it to be another MacArthur Genius Grant.
Jim Zorn will still be retained by the team as offensive coordinator, Snyder said. Jim Zorn said that he has been "pouring over these game pieces to figure out what kind of offense he wants us to run - to be honest, I'm pretty stumped at this point."
When reached for comment, John Zorn held up a series of signs before making loud, atonal and intermittent squawks on his saxophone for several minutes before the reporter eventually hung up the phone.
Feb 10, 2008
The NHL in 2008: There Will Be Blood
You know the old joke, right? "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out!" I guess after this weekend, we might need to update that joke a bit: "I went to a hockey game, and a GOD DAMNED SLASHER FILM BROKE OUT!!!"
Note: All of the videos I'm posting are graphic and bloody to varying degrees (actually, from least to most, coincidentally). The fact that it appears that everyone involved will live to tell the tale is the only reason I'm posting them at all.
First, on Saturday night: linesman Pat Dapuzzo took a skate to the face in the Flyers/Rangers game. Dapuzzo wound up needing at least 20 stitches and a possible broken nose. Meanwhile, immediately after Dapuzzo was struck, a multi-player brawl broke out. Amazingly, Dapuzzo got up and tried to skate over to the scrum to help break things up until he was convinced by the medical staff to skate off and get attention.
So, yeah, it's not just the players who are tough.
Then tonight in Buffalo...during the Panthers' games against the Sabres, Richard Zednik took a skate to the throat from teammate Olli Jokinen, severing his jugular vein. Needless to say, that's even worse than a skate to the face. Zednik somehow skated off the ice and into the arms of medical personnel, where he apparently collapsed in the tunnel on the way to the back. Miraculously, as of right now (10:32 p.m. on Sunday night), Zednik is reported to be a stable condition after surgery and is expected to make a full recovery.
Of course, this had be a horrible flashback to longtime Sabres fans. Back in 1989, Buffalo goaltender Clint Malarchuk had his throat slashed in a game, severing his carotid artery, spilling copious amounts of blood onto the ice. (This is what Sabres play-by-play Rick Jeanneret is referencing in the last video when he says that he's seen someone bleed like that once before, but didn't like discussing it.) Essentially, he was bleeding to death right there in the crease. (The phrase I've heard to describe the incident is "gushes of blood with every heartbeat." The similarities to the Zednik situation tonight are just eerie. Only the quick thinking of the medical personnel saved Malarchuk's life, and he was even able to rejoin the team for the playoffs just a few later.
WARNING: THIS IS 100 TIMES MORE GRAPHIC THAN ANY OF THE OTHER TWO VIDEOS. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, DON'T WATCH THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Assuming a full recovery for Zednik, the question now becomes: should the game have continued as it did, after a lengthy delay (where they had to bring out a Zamboni to scrape the blood off of the ice). NHL vice-president Colin Campbell (who was in attendance to watch his son play for the Flyers) consulted with the two teams and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, and after word arrived that Zednik was at the hospital and stable, a decision was made to finish the game.
Should they have stopped the game? I don't think anyone would have minded if they did. Knowing that Zednik had been stabilized, I can see where the decision would be made that "OK, things are looking more promising, let's finish the game." Honestly, I have no idea what I would have done. Most bloggers want to have THE DEFINITIVE ANSWER TO EVERY SITUATION, and want to rip any decision they don't like. But there are some situations where there are no "good answers," and I guess the best upshot out of all of this is that the story in the following days is going to be whether or not the game should have been stopped because of a serious injury, and not talking about a player dying on the ice. (And I don't understand how scientists can develop the technology to harness wasted energy from walking to create battery power, as I heard on NPR today, but they can't make a skate that won't slice someone's main arteries on contact.)
And in case you were curious, it apparently takes more than a player almost dying on ice in horrific fashion for the NHL to be the lead story on SportsCenter. The 11 p.m. Pacific edition had the UNC/Clemson and UCLA/Washington basketball games, Daytona 500 qualifying, and then the story on Zednik. But I'm sure that editorial decision had nothing to do with the fact that ESPN are broadcast partners with NCAA basketball and NASCAR, but not with the NHL. In fact, how dare I even bring it up?
Feb 7, 2008
Quick Hits
- Jesus, McLane, you people in Arizona sure do take your liquor licenses seriously! Although I bet if you asked Bill Belichik if he could go back and convince this guy to open fire on the Super Bowl, in exchange for the game being canceled and the Patriots not losing, he'd have to think long and hard about it.
- If there's a giant patch of blood on the shoulder of his jersey next season, I'm calling bullshit.
- NBA announces "Day of Community Service" in New Orleans before the All-Star game; roughly one-quarter of all players call their lawyer to see if "this counts" towards their court-mandated sentences.
- Former Oilers All-Pro linebacker John Grimsley believes that guns don't kill people, people kil-BOOM! Whoops...I guess he should have spent some time watching Eddie Eagle teach him about gun safety.
- Apparently, training to be a sumo wrestler is like Green Beret boot camp, except with more beer bottles being smashed into your head and being attacked with baseball bats until you are dead. Those wacky Japanese...
US 2, Mexico 2: And My Sister Isnt Even That Hot
Nothing inspires head-scratching like a draw in soccer. As a US Soccer fan, should I feel upset that we couldn't beat our rival at home? Or good that we didn't lose in a game where we were outplayed for big chunks of the match? The day after a draw is sort of like the morning after a night of moderate drinking - you didn't have a blast; no one's panties wound up on your head, and you didn't fall into the pond outside of the bar. But, it was fun in a subdued way, and instead of having a massive hangover, you feel OK this morning, just a little "off."
That's what last night's game versus Mexico was like.
The excellent soccer blog That's On Point broke down the game and each players significantly better than I can, so I'll just summarize my feelings:
- Once the Clint Dempsey goal was waved off, the wind was totally sucked out of the US team's sails. If it counts, the US is up 3-1, with all the momentum in the world. Mexico, basically, would have been done. Instead, it stays 2-1, Mexico starts outplaying the US afterwards and through the second half, and you have what you have. (And yes, it was offsides, clearly. Way to be on the ball with the replays, ESPN.)
- Nice to see that sleepy, disinterested Landon Donovan can show up to US/Mexico games too, and not just in the World Cup.
- Jozy Altidore...YES!!! A more skilled Brian McBride? (Which is saying a lot.) I don't know, but the kid is an absolute stud. Great to see him get his first start and make the most of it. That was a young team the US had on the field (as was Mexico's), and the US team is going to be better for the experience as WC Qualifying rolls around.
- Michael Bradley had his first real clunker of a game for the US team, after looking like a Wunderkind in every other appearance. If this was the first game you've seen of the US lately, don't judge him on that one game and think "Coach's son, that's why he's playing": the kid is the real deal. Sometimes 20 year-olds play like they are 20.
- Of course, there's no excuse for Bobby Convey. He seems like a nice guy and all, but...really? Starting against Mexico, in 2008? No awareness, no ability to make the crucial touch, getting stripped of the ball by defenders clean because he was trying to do more than his skills would allow...basically, he's like this relic of US National Teams past. If he's going to play, why not bring back Thomas Dooley? Maybe convince Mike Sorber to come out of retirement? For God's sake, get well soon DaMarcus!
- Set piece defending...ugh. Bad flashbacks to, well, basically every World Cup we've ever played in. If we're starting a big, slow defense, shouldn't that be the one thing they do well?
Feb 6, 2008
US vs. Mexico - Lou Dobbs Approves of this Rivalry
Tonight, another edition of the greatest rivalry in US sports takes place. And I'm not talking about Duke vs. North Carolina - like most "great rivalries," it's regionally based - it's something that is huge in a certain part of the country, but much less so outside of there. (i.e. New York vs. Boston in anything.) No, I'm talking about a rivalry that sparks nationalistic pride, fervor, anger, bitterness and usually quite a bit of spilled blood. I'm talking about the US vs. Mexico in soccer.
Sure, tonight's game in Houston is technically just a "friendly" with nothing on the line but pride. But for this rivalry, that's enough. We talk a lot about how much two teams "just don't like each other" all the time, but the truth is that they are all professional athletes with the same agents, who go to the same functions and parties and strip clubs, and half of each team was probably teammates with half of the other team at some point.
Not so with the US vs. Mexico. These two teams really don't like each other. The fans don't like each other. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the ball boys come to blows at some point.
Here's a nice video summary of the rivalry to get you pumped up for tonight:
The nature of the rivalry is such that it actually makes me like Landon Donovan a little bit more. Now, I have a very love/hate relationship with Landy Cakes. Frankly, he's the most infuriating soccer player to follow. He's an incredibly gifted player who doesn't want to lead, which is why he was the perfect person to be the second banana to David Beckham on the Galaxy. He tried to go over to Germany to play - a move which would have raised the level of his play immensely - but came back after a few months because it was too hard, and he was "more comfortable" playing in the MLS. He can disappear in big games (i.e. the entire 2006 World Cup). In short, he's a role player when the US desperately needs him to be a leader.
Except for against Mexico. Landon Donovan hates the Mexican team and its fans, and the feeling is mutual. He lives for beating them. If we could convince him that every team he plays against is the Mexican National Team, he would be one of the top players in the world.
And you know who has two thumbs and hates the Mexican National Team? This guy! (Note: I'm pointing my thumbs at myself as I type, which is no easy feat.) And for me, it's personal.
In theory, I should have a soft spot for the Mexican team, since I'm a quarter Mexican myself (my grandmother on my dad's side was born in Aguascalientes, Mexico, and came to this country in the 1930s). I live in Los Angeles, so I'm around Latino culture all the time. I'm a good liberal and normally support a humane, rational immigration policy. In fact,
So what happened? Well, I went to the 1998 Gold Cup finals against Mexico at the Coliseum in Los Angeles with my wife. On Valentine's Day. In fact, this was her present to me: the US had shocked Brazil in the semifinals, and she knew how excited I was about that. So, despite not being a soccer fan, she got us two tickets to see a fun, friendly game.
Of course, we didn't get to see the whole game, out of fear for our lives. And I'm not exaggerating. The stadium seats about 95,000 for soccer, and it was sold out. We were probably one of about 3,000 US fans, scattered through a sea of Tricolores. (Thanks to it being run by CONCACAF and not US soccer, they didn't keep the US fans together like usually happens.) We were the enemy in our own stadium (literally - I hadn't graduated from USC that long ago), and chum in the water.
Personally, I was the object of several missiles from above, including a cup of what I hope was beer and not piss, and a giant (and I mean giant) nacho cheese container that probably would have knocked me out cold if it had hit my head and not my shoulder. And a lot of people wanting to fight. All this for a) being a US soccer fan in Los Angeles and b) having the audacity to cheer and have a US flag. As for the team, along with boos drowning out the national anthem, pretty much any corner kick was a chance for Mexican fans to hurl anything they could grab onto the field and at the hapless US player trying to take a corner. It was insane. People had snuck flare guns through security, and were firing them into the crowd at random times. I shudder to think what else made it through the Coliseum's crack security.
After finally giving up and leaving at halftime in order to, you know, not get rendered limb from limb by the crowd, the liberal part of my brain was clashing with what just happened. I didn't want to be Pat Buchanan. But, how could people who move to this country (legally or not) and take advantage of all the freedoms and opportunities here then show up and basically piss on America for two hours. I found myself saying things like "if they hate America so much, they can leave," which always sounded awful coming from someone else. But there I was saying it, and believing it.
Years later, and I think I'm a little more savvy to the social reasons behind everything. Mexicans in America use these games as a chance to vent and get out all of their repressed anger at every slight and stupid, boorish thing any gringo has every done to them. I get that. But it still doesn't make me feel any better about how they act, or what they think is acceptable fan behavior. And frankly, it probably pisses the Mexican part of me off a little bit to see Mexicans acting like that - as someone who wants to have pride in my heritage, it's embarrassing. Mexican soccer fans are to me like that one uncle who always gets a little too drunk at family parties and starts hitting on his niece's 22 year-old friends.
One of the sporting highlights of my life was watching the US knock Mexico out of the 2002 World Cup, and then driving around LA with my friend, yelling choice invectives at any Mexican soccer fan I saw coming out of a bar with a "boo hoo" look on his face. It was crass, juvenile and totally beneath me. And I loved every second of it.
Bonus for tonight: ESPN has finally wised up and revamped their announcing team. Out goes play-by-play man and embarrassment to American soccer fans Dave "Christian Ronaldo" O'Brien and Jim Rome's best friend Eric Wynalda, and in comes veteran soccer announcer JP Dellacamera and John Harkes. A soccer game announced by someone who actually knows soccer? Crazy.
Dear Shaq...
Seeing as though you'll be moving to the Phoenix area sometime very soon, I thought I would go out of my way to help with the relocation process by helping you get acclimated to your new city and letting you know exactly where you can find your essential items for daily living. Knowing your habits, I'm sure you'll be glad to know that chili cheese nachos for 99 cents can be found a short drive from anywhere in the Phoenix area. You can rest easy now.
Best wishes,
The Duke of Kickball
P.S. - Good luck getting up and down the court with the running Suns! I have visions of the fat, middle-aged guy who decides to "cherry pick" every other basket in a pick-up game because he's too out of shape to play full-court.
Feb 4, 2008
This is worth mentioning...
I was 4 for 4 in picking Tom Petty's set list for the Super Bowl halftime show. Not just which songs he would play, but also in the order in which he would play them.
I swear, if you could have bet money on this, I would be in Tahiti right now...
Your Super Bowl Recap: Holy Fuck...
Having your birthday fall on Super Bowl is not a good thing for your liver, or for your ability to make it to work on time the next day. Needless to say, I was somewhat...not prepared...to post about the Super Bowl last night. Any post I would have made would have been nothing but a breathless series or incoherent, expletive-filled exclamations. And we already have one writer for the blog who provides that with every post. (Editor's Note: Zing.)
I spent the first three quarters trying to decide how to sum up what some people might call a "gripping defensive struggle," while others would say it "sucked on toast." And then the fourth quarter came, and then...well, at this point you know the rest. But here I am, on Monday morning, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Eli Manning didn't just win the Super Bowl, he's he's now a Super Bowl legend.
To quote John Wayne, the whole thing rigoddamneddiculous.
With 2:42 left, and the Patriots having just scored a go-ahead touchdown, I was sitting at my friend's place and thinking my Super Bowl Prediction Haiku was going to be pretty damned prescient: the Giants had hung around, but the Patriots decided at the last minute to do just enough to win. Yes, it was going to be another underwhelming win, but it was going to be 19 in a row this season, and it would be pretty tough to argue with that.
And then...Eli Freakin' Manning.
You know who leads their team the length of the field for a Super Bowl-winning touchdown with less than two minutes to play? Joe Montana. And apparently now, Eli Manning. I mean, once Tom Brady threw that touchdown to Randy Moss, we all knew that it was over, right? Even with as "magical" of a post-season as Manning had been having, there was no way to recover from the kidney punch that was that touchdown drive by the Patriots.
Unless, of course, you pull off one of the most incredible plays in Super Bowl, if not (especially given the context) NFL history:
(On a side note, let's not forget that Asante Samuel had a chance to wrap up the game on the previous play, when Eli and...yup...David Tyree...got their routes mixed up and a pass wound up right in Samuel's hands. Make that play, and it's 19-0, and we're here contemplating
how Eli Manning could throw an INT with the game on the line.)
The hype leading up to the Super Bowl about Eli Manning always felt like a joke waiting for a punchline to me. Every time someone suggested that Eli Manning had "arrived" I was waiting for the rimshot.
"Eli Manning is aving one of the best playoffs of any quarterback in recent memory."
BA-DUM!
"The Giants have a chance to shock the Patriots if Eli continues to play like this."
BA-DUM-BUMP!
It turns out the joke was on the Patriots. Eli Manning pulled off perhaps the most stunning touchdown drive in NFL history, and in the process slew Goliath, rescued America from a deep national depression, made sports safe for kids and the dads to enjoy without fearing that an ogre-like figure in a hoodie would ruin it for everyone, and someone saved the dogs from the Puppy Bowl from a house fire.
And for the Patriots? Finishing the season with one loss for them probably has to be a bit more bitter than the 1985 Bears. I thing I will say is that the criticism of Bill Belichick for walking off the field with one second left is pretty baseless. Remember that the clock originally had run out after the Patriots' fourth down conversion attempt failed, and that's when Belichick started walking across the field. Once he's three-quarters of the way over and has already shook hands with Tom Coughlin, what's he supposed to do, go back to his sideline and coach the last kneel-down?
Still, seeing The Hoodie and The Golden Boy have to eat this loss certainly didn't make me weep.
The bottom line is that it's a day later, I'm sober, and I still can't make any sense of what happened in the Super Bowl. Depending on the arc of the rest of Eli Manning's career, this is either going to be looked back on as a defining moment, or one of the flukiest, strangest moments in Super Bowl history.
Feb 1, 2008
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