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Nov 15, 2007

What Not to Watch: 11/15/07

Keeping you informed of the worst sports viewing choices possible (all times Pacific):

  • NBA Vault (NBATV, 5:30 p.m.) - Highlights of old basketball games? Probably not watching that. But if it was, say, Yao Ming on a gymnastics vault attempted to land a Double twisting Yurchenko? That I'd pay to watch.
  • College Basketball, Stanford @ Northwestern (Big 10 Network, 6 p.m.) - It's like if the kids from Pacific Tech faced off against The Lambda Lambda Lambdas on the hardwood. Except probably with less randy hijinx.
  • Summit's High Places (6:30 p.m., Outdoor Channel) - Sadly, this show does not revolve around is the Tennessee women's basketball coach reminiscing about that time she ripped a massive bong load with Nancy Lieberman and Ann Meyers-Drysdale out in back of the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame.

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LA Clippers Cheerleader Makes Half-Court Shot

As found on Deadspin.com...needless to say, the crowd was sort of pumped up...

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Nov 14, 2007

Indians Team Officials "Really Fucking Thrilled" with Sabathia's Cy Young

CLEVELAND - Immediately after Cleveland hurler C.C. Sabathia was named AL Cy Young winner this afternoon, Indians team officials held a press conference to express their sentiments over their pitcher's recognition. Even though their words conveyed excitement over the honor, their tone and actions left many reporters questioning the veracity of their statements.

Sabathia was named AL Cy Young winner over Boston Red Sox ace Josh Beckett. Cy Young voting occurs before the post-season begins, which might have been lucky for Sabathia. He was 1-2 with an 8.80 ERA in four post-season starts for the Indians before they were knocked out of the playoffs by the Red Sox. Meanwhile, Beckett was stellar in the playoffs, going 4-0 with a 1.20 ERA.

"Yeah, C.C. really showed what a 'big game' pitcher he was this season," said Indians GM Mark Shaprio, using "air quotes" the first of several times during the press conference. "You could say that, in a sense, there is no way our seasons could have ended the way it did with his 'performance' when it mattered most."

Cleveland manager Eric Wedge deflected a question on whether he would trade Sabathia for Beckett if he could.

"Oh, of course not," Wedge said. "Why would I want to switch out a guy who is great in the regular season for one of the best post-season pitchers in history? It's all about what you accomplish in the regular season against teams like Tampa Bay, Baltimore and Kansas City that counts, right?"

Wedge then concluded by making a stroking motion with his right hand near his crotch that appeared to mimic masturbation while rolling his eyes and making a "raspberry" with his mouth.

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Nov 13, 2007

What, no Sonny Bono videos?

It's winter, so that means that there will be plenty of ski accidents to watch on YouTube. Am I sick because I like watching helpless skiers go sailing out of control at 80 mph, slamming their bodies into the ground and being thrown around like a rag doll in the dryer? Probably, but I guess I am what I am.

Here's a little compilation of skiing crashes to get you ready. Does it have Euros crashing on a downhill run and knocking themselves silly? Check. Song by Against Me? Check. Created on Windows MovieMaker? Check.



The best part are those flimsy, orange barriers. It always seems like going through five or six of those at top speed and having your limbs rendered by them hurts more than if they just weren't there. Unless there's, you know, a tree there or something.

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Nebraska Football, Making...History?

One of the college football scores outside of the Top 25 that caught my eye was this one: Nebraska 73, Kansas State 31. Of course, any team winning by that large of a margin is pretty eye-catching. But when you consider that Nebraska was bouncing back from a 76-39 loss to Kansas the week before, it's pretty amazing.

How amazing? I did some research to find out. (Thanks to the College Football Data Warehouse, which is pretty indispensable at this point.) No NCAA Division I team has ever scored 70+ points and given up 70+ points in back-to-back weeks. In fact, according to my research, only seven teams have ever pulled that feat in a single season, and only two since 1950:

Texas A&M (2003): 73-10 vs. Baylor (10/11), 0-77 @ Oklahoma (11/8)
BYU (2001): 70-35 vs. Tulane (8/25), 45-72 @ Hawaii (12/8)
Hawaii (1949): 98-7 vs. Islanders (10/28) and 76-6 vs, Leilehua HS (11/11), 0-75 vs. Pacific (12/16)
Louisville (1928): 72-0 vs. Eastern Kentucky (10/6), 70-0 vs. Tennessee-Chattanooga (10/20)
Louisiana-Lafayette (1918): 107-6 vs. Patterson HS (???), 0-74 vs. Tulane (11/28)
Ohio (1916): 89-3 vs. Wittenberg (???), 0-73 vs. Syracuse (10/7)
Cal (1915): 81-6 vs. Nevada (11/20), 0-72 vs. Washington (11/6)

So as Bill Callahan packs his bags and calls the Realtor this week, at least he can do so knowing that his team was historically schizo this season. Which I'm sure he'll have a lot of time to reflect on.

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Nov 12, 2007

Thank you, Illinois

After this weekend's college football action, I want to personally extend my thanks, on behalf of a grateful nation, to Illinois for knocking off the top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes. Not only did Illinois prevent a repeat of last year's national title game, where a vastly overrated Ohio State team was destroyed by a far superior, one-loss team (Florida), but we've finally reached the state of total chaos that BCS boosters have dreaded.

Think other years have been controversial and left some people happy. By the time this shakes out, past seasons will look like walks in the park.

First, let's dispel the notion that Oregon was a big winner this week, by moving up to the No. 2 spot (and a temporary place in the BCS title game) despite not playing thanks to Ohio State's loss. Yes, it was helpful to have one less team to jump. However, what the results on Saturday really set up is a bitter disappointment for Duck fans at the end of the regular season.

Why? Take a look at this week's BCS rankings. While the Ducks sit at No. 2, teams No. 3-5 are breathing down their necks. Undefeated Kansas plays one-loss Missouri in a few weeks, with the winner likely taking on one-loss Oklahoma in the Big XII title game. And that's bad, bad news for Oregon. Any number of scenarios exist where Oregon wins out but doesn't make it to the BCS Championship Game:

  • (No. 3 BCS Rated) Kansas wins out, including beating Missouri (No. 5) and (No. 4) Oklahoma in the process. Because of their relatively light Strength of Schedule (SOS), Kansas is behind Oklahoma in both the Coaches and Harris polls (which together make up 2/3 of the BCS rating, along with the combined computer polls). Oregon is No. 2 in both "human" polls, meaning that while Kansas would almost certainly gain at least one spot (and jump to No. 3 in both coaches polls) by staying undefeated and beating Oklahoma. That alone plus the bump in the computer polls might well be enough to leap-frog Oregon. And a lot of humans might be tempted to move Kansas ahead of Oregon for the sake of making sure an undefeated team with wins against (then) top 6 teams in their last two games gets to play in the BCS Title game.
  • If Missouri wins out, they are going to jump to at least No. 3 in the human polls, and jump up quite a bit in the computer polls as well (right now they are No. 6 in both human polls and No. 5 in the computer polls). I don't know if it would be enough, but they would be the "hotter" team, having just beaten two Top Five teams in a row.
  • Right now, the thing that is killing Oklahoma is their relatively low computer ranking (No. 7). Beating Kansas would be a big boost to that. Since they've already beaten Missouri this year, the gain they would get from humans and computers in winning a rematch is not as big. Losses by either Ohio State or Arizona St. before the end of the season would be a big help, since those two teams are ahead of Oklahoma in the computer rankings.
So, get ready for it, Oregon. It's happening, you just don't know it yet. Which I hate to say: being a huge USC homer, Oregon going to the BCS Title Game is crucial to our chances of making a BCS title game.

Of course, I'm not going to try to get into how you explain to West Virginia that they don't deserve to go with one loss. Or tell Ohio State why losing to Illinois (a dangerous team all season) is worse than losing to a suddenly exposed Cal team (Oregon) or Kentucky (LSU). The only thing people seem to be sure about at this point is that LSU is a mortal lock to make it to the BCS Title game. Which given this season, means you can pencil them in for a crushing loss to Georgia in the SEC Championship game.

BCS Armageddon - it's fan-freakin-tastic.

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Nov 9, 2007

What Not to Watch: 11/9/07

Helping you make informed decisions about what to miss while you go see the Original Platters play at the Mosegi Palace Hotel and Casino, or whatever old band is playing at your local Indian casino. (All times Pacific.)

  • Bowling Green @ Eastern Michigan (ESPNU, 4:30 p.m.): We are the Bowling Green Preservation Society. God save Tim Conway, Nate Thurmond and Orel...
  • Peglegs of Stuyvesant High (CSTV, 7:30 p.m.): I didn't even know that Ron Santo had moved to New York.
  • The Wandering Golfer (Fine Living, 8 p.m.): I would imagine that needing room for your Callaways and caddy make it tough to hitchhike.
  • Big Ten Friday Night Tailgate (Big 10 Network, 8 p.m.): Remember, only on the Big Ten Network can you watch an hour of frat boys drinking 12 packs of Old Milwaukee, setting fire to couches and then trying to douse the flames with the urine. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON IF YOUR CABLE COMPANY DOESN'T OFFER THE BIG TEN NETWORK!!! (Unless you are a Penn State fan, then you are probably too busy throwing beer cans at other team's fans from point blank range and acting like a total tool. Stay classy, guys...)

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Nov 8, 2007

Handicapable Challenge Week 3: Part II

Who would have thought that 5-5 after two weeks would be so much better than my colleague, Mr. 2-8. Yikes. A couple of more weeks of .500 picks and I can pretty much wrap this bad boy up. We are the AFC West of sports handicapping, and I am the Chargers.

Michigan St. @ Purdue (-4): Fact A: Michigan St. head coach Mark Dantonio might be losing his mind. Fact B: Although he would never admit it, Purdue head coach Joe Tiller is probably pretty pissed that Mark Mangino is getting all of the "fat coach with a mustache" praise. Fact C: Michigan St. has only covered the spread in nine of their last 29 games. That's good enough for me.

Pick: Purdue (-4)

Fresno St. @ Hawaii (-17): If Hawaii wants any chance of jumping into the Top 12 and securing an automatic BCS title berth, they need to not only keep winning but keep running up the score on people. And I'm not sure if people outside of the Central Valley (my home area) know this or not, but I'll let you in on a little secret: Pat Hill is a very overrated coach. This is precisely the type of game where the Bulldogs don't show up and get killed by 30.

Pick: Hawaii (-17)

Virginia @ Miami (-3.5): Wait, let me get this straight. Virginia is 8-2, and Miami is 5-4 while having played some really, really ugly football. I know it's a home game for Miami and the last at the OB, but THEY AREN'T GOOD AT ALL. I guess Kyle Wright starting instead of Kirby Freeman (he of the 1-14, 3 INT game last week) helps...a little. It's not like Kyle Wright is Johnny Unitas or anything.

Pick: Virginia (+3.5)

Buffalo @ Miami (+2.5): (note: NFL version of Miami and Buffalo, not the NCAA teams.) Teams like the Bills get to be .500 not because they are really all that great, but because they do two things well: they play pretty good defense, and they use that to get close wins against lousy teams with lousier offenses. Hello Dolphins!

Pick: Buffalo (-2.5)

Denver @ Kansas City (-3): You think I'm going to get away from betting against Denver now? So far this season, it's been like a license to print money. Until proven otherwise...

Pick: Kansas City (-3)

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Kentucky Fans Demand Minnesota Fire Tubby Smith After Stunning Upset


LEXINGTON, KY - In the hours following Kentucky's stunning 84-68 home loss to lightly-regarded Gardner-Webb on Wednesday night, Wildcats fans took to the airwaves, the Internet and even the streets to demand that Minnesota fire coach Tubby Smith.

Despite the fact that Smith had left Kentucky in the off-season to take the head coaching job with the Golden Gophers, many Wildcats fans said that Smith needed to be held accountable for Kentucky's shocking performance.

"I spent 10 years watching Tubby Smith ruin the history and legacy of Kentucky basketball," said Myron Martin, who was part of an impromptu rally outside of Rupp Arena following the game. "
You would have thought that firing him would be enough, but apparently even that couldn't stop him from messing up our team."

Internet message boards were aflame throughout the early-morning hours with calls for Minnesota to fire Smith. One poster, known as DeepBlue69, stated that "if Minnysota (sic) ain't gonna do it, then we'll git a hunting party to go to Canada and do it ourself!"

Smith refused to comment on the loss other than stating that he "felt bad" for the players he had recruited. However, several sources reported seeing Smith at area bars late Wednesday night in a jovial mood.

"I haven't seen him this excited in years," said an unnamed friend who was with Smith last night. "He was buying shots for total strangers as long as they helped him sing the Gardner-Webb fight song. Although I'm not 100 percent sure that he even knew what the Gardner-Webb fight song is - I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't include the line 'And Kentucky fans can fuck each other with broken Coke bottles.'

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Nov 7, 2007

Old New England Patriots Mascot Seeks Pension Reform

BOSTON - For more than 20 years, he was the face of the New England Patriots. Fierce and proud, he was ready to snap the ball at a moment's notice. But today, with the team flush with unprecedented success, Pat the Patriot feels forgotten. As he sits in a one-bedroom apartment in a rundown area of South Boston, his memories of his glory days are tinged with pain - emotional and physical.

"For 21 years, I gave everything I had for that franchise," said Pat the Patroit, his voice quivering with emotion. "And this is the thanks I get?"

In his hands was a yellowing certificate from 1992, the year he was cut as the mascot by the team. The certificate thanks Pat for being "an inspiration to Pats fans everywhere" and mentions that "he will always be part of the rich history of the team." Reading the certificate again seemingly reopens old wounds that never healed.

"Always part of the rich history my ass," said Pat. "No invitations to old timers reunions, no mention in the media guide...I can't even get a ticket to go see a game. It's like they want nothing to do with me."

The wounds aren't just mental. After holding the same crouching position for 21 years straight, Pat says his knees are shot. He needs replacements, but can't afford it on his social security payments. In addition, his face is now frozen in the half-smirk he made famous.

"My own grandkids won't come see me - I'm 'Scary Grandpa'," he said. "Plus, I've got so many other injuries it's not even funny. Look at that outfit I had to play center in! Taking on 270 lb. nose tackles in revolutionary war gear is a sure-fire recipe for arthritis."

Pat's story is just one of many similar tales of sports mascots forced into retirement by their teams. None of the major sports leagues offer any sort of retirement plan for ex-mascots or coverage in their pension plans, which has been blamed for the hard times many ex-mascots have fallen upon after leaving the game.

"Look at what happened to Youppi after the Expos moved," said Pat the Patriot, referring to the former Montreal Expos mascot who was found dead of an apparent heart attack outside of a popular strip club in July. "They want the guy to be fat and rotund because it's funny. Well, you know what isn't so funny? Heart disease, diabetes, thickening of arteries...all the things you get by being seven feet tall and having a 108 inch waist. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Among the other former mascots who have died young or experienced difficulty in their post-mascoting lives are Chief Noc-A-Homa of the Atlanta Braves (overdosed on hair spray whip-its), Father Knickerbocker of the NY Knicks (declared bankruptcy after being convicted and serving two years in stock scam) and Brownie, the original Cleveland Browns elf (killed in bar fight in 1999).

Pat the Patriot, however, is determined to make sure the same fate doesn't happen to other mascots. He has been organized fellow retired mascots into a group he calls the NFL Mascots Association. The NFLMA is urging Congress to take action to give retired mascots benefits and make current mascots fully covered under the NFL pension plan. He says that as an act of solidarity, mascots for all 31 NFL teams, plus many in other sports, are willing to go on strike if their demands aren't met.

In response, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell brushed aside the concerns of Pat the Patriot and others, or worries about the impact of a mascot's strike.

"I think that mascots are well-payed for the amount of work that they do," Goodell said. "It's not like we can't find replacement mascots if needed. I mean, is an Atlanta Falcons fan really going to know if it's Freddie Falcon entertaining him, or another, highly talented member of the falcon family?"

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