What, no Sonny Bono videos?

It's winter, so that means that there will be plenty of ski accidents to watch on YouTube. Am I sick because I like watching helpless skiers go sailing out of control at 80 mph, slamming their bodies into the ground and being thrown around like a rag doll in the dryer? Probably, but I guess I am what I am.

Here's a little compilation of skiing crashes to get you ready. Does it have Euros crashing on a downhill run and knocking themselves silly? Check. Song by Against Me? Check. Created on Windows MovieMaker? Check.



The best part are those flimsy, orange barriers. It always seems like going through five or six of those at top speed and having your limbs rendered by them hurts more than if they just weren't there. Unless there's, you know, a tree there or something.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:02 PM 0 comments  

Nebraska Football, Making...History?

One of the college football scores outside of the Top 25 that caught my eye was this one: Nebraska 73, Kansas State 31. Of course, any team winning by that large of a margin is pretty eye-catching. But when you consider that Nebraska was bouncing back from a 76-39 loss to Kansas the week before, it's pretty amazing.

How amazing? I did some research to find out. (Thanks to the College Football Data Warehouse, which is pretty indispensable at this point.) No NCAA Division I team has ever scored 70+ points and given up 70+ points in back-to-back weeks. In fact, according to my research, only seven teams have ever pulled that feat in a single season, and only two since 1950:

Texas A&M (2003): 73-10 vs. Baylor (10/11), 0-77 @ Oklahoma (11/8)
BYU (2001): 70-35 vs. Tulane (8/25), 45-72 @ Hawaii (12/8)
Hawaii (1949): 98-7 vs. Islanders (10/28) and 76-6 vs, Leilehua HS (11/11), 0-75 vs. Pacific (12/16)
Louisville (1928): 72-0 vs. Eastern Kentucky (10/6), 70-0 vs. Tennessee-Chattanooga (10/20)
Louisiana-Lafayette (1918): 107-6 vs. Patterson HS (???), 0-74 vs. Tulane (11/28)
Ohio (1916): 89-3 vs. Wittenberg (???), 0-73 vs. Syracuse (10/7)
Cal (1915): 81-6 vs. Nevada (11/20), 0-72 vs. Washington (11/6)

So as Bill Callahan packs his bags and calls the Realtor this week, at least he can do so knowing that his team was historically schizo this season. Which I'm sure he'll have a lot of time to reflect on.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:49 AM 0 comments  

Thank you, Illinois

After this weekend's college football action, I want to personally extend my thanks, on behalf of a grateful nation, to Illinois for knocking off the top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes. Not only did Illinois prevent a repeat of last year's national title game, where a vastly overrated Ohio State team was destroyed by a far superior, one-loss team (Florida), but we've finally reached the state of total chaos that BCS boosters have dreaded.

Think other years have been controversial and left some people happy. By the time this shakes out, past seasons will look like walks in the park.

First, let's dispel the notion that Oregon was a big winner this week, by moving up to the No. 2 spot (and a temporary place in the BCS title game) despite not playing thanks to Ohio State's loss. Yes, it was helpful to have one less team to jump. However, what the results on Saturday really set up is a bitter disappointment for Duck fans at the end of the regular season.

Why? Take a look at this week's BCS rankings. While the Ducks sit at No. 2, teams No. 3-5 are breathing down their necks. Undefeated Kansas plays one-loss Missouri in a few weeks, with the winner likely taking on one-loss Oklahoma in the Big XII title game. And that's bad, bad news for Oregon. Any number of scenarios exist where Oregon wins out but doesn't make it to the BCS Championship Game:

• (No. 3 BCS Rated) Kansas wins out, including beating Missouri (No. 5) and (No. 4) Oklahoma in the process. Because of their relatively light Strength of Schedule (SOS), Kansas is behind Oklahoma in both the Coaches and Harris polls (which together make up 2/3 of the BCS rating, along with the combined computer polls). Oregon is No. 2 in both "human" polls, meaning that while Kansas would almost certainly gain at least one spot (and jump to No. 3 in both coaches polls) by staying undefeated and beating Oklahoma. That alone plus the bump in the computer polls might well be enough to leap-frog Oregon. And a lot of humans might be tempted to move Kansas ahead of Oregon for the sake of making sure an undefeated team with wins against (then) top 6 teams in their last two games gets to play in the BCS Title game.
• If Missouri wins out, they are going to jump to at least No. 3 in the human polls, and jump up quite a bit in the computer polls as well (right now they are No. 6 in both human polls and No. 5 in the computer polls). I don't know if it would be enough, but they would be the "hotter" team, having just beaten two Top Five teams in a row.
• Right now, the thing that is killing Oklahoma is their relatively low computer ranking (No. 7). Beating Kansas would be a big boost to that. Since they've already beaten Missouri this year, the gain they would get from humans and computers in winning a rematch is not as big. Losses by either Ohio State or Arizona St. before the end of the season would be a big help, since those two teams are ahead of Oklahoma in the computer rankings.

So, get ready for it, Oregon. It's happening, you just don't know it yet. Which I hate to say: being a huge USC homer, Oregon going to the BCS Title Game is crucial to our chances of making a BCS title game.

Of course, I'm not going to try to get into how you explain to West Virginia that they don't deserve to go with one loss. Or tell Ohio State why losing to Illinois (a dangerous team all season) is worse than losing to a suddenly exposed Cal team (Oregon) or Kentucky (LSU). The only thing people seem to be sure about at this point is that LSU is a mortal lock to make it to the BCS Title game. Which given this season, means you can pencil them in for a crushing loss to Georgia in the SEC Championship game.

BCS Armageddon - it's fan-freakin-tastic.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:39 PM 1 comments  

What Not to Watch: 11/9/07

Helping you make informed decisions about what to miss while you go see the Original Platters play at the Mosegi Palace Hotel and Casino, or whatever old band is playing at your local Indian casino. (All times Pacific.)

• Bowling Green @ Eastern Michigan (ESPNU, 4:30 p.m.): We are the Bowling Green Preservation Society. God save Tim Conway, Nate Thurmond and Orel...
• Peglegs of Stuyvesant High (CSTV, 7:30 p.m.): I didn't even know that Ron Santo had moved to New York.
• The Wandering Golfer (Fine Living, 8 p.m.): I would imagine that needing room for your Callaways and caddy make it tough to hitchhike.
• Big Ten Friday Night Tailgate (Big 10 Network, 8 p.m.): Remember, only on the Big Ten Network can you watch an hour of frat boys drinking 12 packs of Old Milwaukee, setting fire to couches and then trying to douse the flames with the urine. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON IF YOUR CABLE COMPANY DOESN'T OFFER THE BIG TEN NETWORK!!! (Unless you are a Penn State fan, then you are probably too busy throwing beer cans at other team's fans from point blank range and acting like a total tool. Stay classy, guys...)
  

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:28 PM 0 comments  

Handicapable Challenge Week 3: Part II

Who would have thought that 5-5 after two weeks would be so much better than my colleague, Mr. 2-8. Yikes. A couple of more weeks of .500 picks and I can pretty much wrap this bad boy up. We are the AFC West of sports handicapping, and I am the Chargers.

Michigan St. @ Purdue (-4): Fact A: Michigan St. head coach Mark Dantonio might be losing his mind. Fact B: Although he would never admit it, Purdue head coach Joe Tiller is probably pretty pissed that Mark Mangino is getting all of the "fat coach with a mustache" praise. Fact C: Michigan St. has only covered the spread in nine of their last 29 games. That's good enough for me.

Pick: Purdue (-4)

Fresno St. @ Hawaii (-17): If Hawaii wants any chance of jumping into the Top 12 and securing an automatic BCS title berth, they need to not only keep winning but keep running up the score on people. And I'm not sure if people outside of the Central Valley (my home area) know this or not, but I'll let you in on a little secret: Pat Hill is a very overrated coach. This is precisely the type of game where the Bulldogs don't show up and get killed by 30.

Pick: Hawaii (-17)

Virginia @ Miami (-3.5): Wait, let me get this straight. Virginia is 8-2, and Miami is 5-4 while having played some really, really ugly football. I know it's a home game for Miami and the last at the OB, but THEY AREN'T GOOD AT ALL. I guess Kyle Wright starting instead of Kirby Freeman (he of the 1-14, 3 INT game last week) helps...a little. It's not like Kyle Wright is Johnny Unitas or anything.

Pick: Virginia (+3.5)

Buffalo @ Miami (+2.5): (note: NFL version of Miami and Buffalo, not the NCAA teams.) Teams like the Bills get to be .500 not because they are really all that great, but because they do two things well: they play pretty good defense, and they use that to get close wins against lousy teams with lousier offenses. Hello Dolphins!

Pick: Buffalo (-2.5)

Denver @ Kansas City (-3): You think I'm going to get away from betting against Denver now? So far this season, it's been like a license to print money. Until proven otherwise...

Pick: Kansas City (-3)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:57 PM 0 comments  

Kentucky Fans Demand Minnesota Fire Tubby Smith After Stunning Upset

LEXINGTON, KY - In the hours following Kentucky's stunning 84-68 home loss to lightly-regarded Gardner-Webb on Wednesday night, Wildcats fans took to the airwaves, the Internet and even the streets to demand that Minnesota fire coach Tubby Smith.

Despite the fact that Smith had left Kentucky in the off-season to take the head coaching job with the Golden Gophers, many Wildcats fans said that Smith needed to be held accountable for Kentucky's shocking performance.

"I spent 10 years watching Tubby Smith ruin the history and legacy of Kentucky basketball," said Myron Martin, who was part of an impromptu rally outside of Rupp Arena following the game. "
You would have thought that firing him would be enough, but apparently even that couldn't stop him from messing up our team."

Internet message boards were aflame throughout the early-morning hours with calls for Minnesota to fire Smith. One poster, known as DeepBlue69, stated that "if Minnysota (sic) ain't gonna do it, then we'll git a hunting party to go to Canada and do it ourself!"

Smith refused to comment on the loss other than stating that he "felt bad" for the players he had recruited. However, several sources reported seeing Smith at area bars late Wednesday night in a jovial mood.

"I haven't seen him this excited in years," said an unnamed friend who was with Smith last night. "He was buying shots for total strangers as long as they helped him sing the Gardner-Webb fight song. Although I'm not 100 percent sure that he even knew what the Gardner-Webb fight song is - I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't include the line 'And Kentucky fans can fuck each other with broken Coke bottles.'

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:38 AM 2 comments  

Old New England Patriots Mascot Seeks Pension Reform

BOSTON - For more than 20 years, he was the face of the New England Patriots. Fierce and proud, he was ready to snap the ball at a moment's notice. But today, with the team flush with unprecedented success, Pat the Patriot feels forgotten. As he sits in a one-bedroom apartment in a rundown area of South Boston, his memories of his glory days are tinged with pain - emotional and physical.

"For 21 years, I gave everything I had for that franchise," said Pat the Patroit, his voice quivering with emotion. "And this is the thanks I get?"

In his hands was a yellowing certificate from 1992, the year he was cut as the mascot by the team. The certificate thanks Pat for being "an inspiration to Pats fans everywhere" and mentions that "he will always be part of the rich history of the team." Reading the certificate again seemingly reopens old wounds that never healed.

"Always part of the rich history my ass," said Pat. "No invitations to old timers reunions, no mention in the media guide...I can't even get a ticket to go see a game. It's like they want nothing to do with me."

The wounds aren't just mental. After holding the same crouching position for 21 years straight, Pat says his knees are shot. He needs replacements, but can't afford it on his social security payments. In addition, his face is now frozen in the half-smirk he made famous.

"My own grandkids won't come see me - I'm 'Scary Grandpa'," he said. "Plus, I've got so many other injuries it's not even funny. Look at that outfit I had to play center in! Taking on 270 lb. nose tackles in revolutionary war gear is a sure-fire recipe for arthritis."

Pat's story is just one of many similar tales of sports mascots forced into retirement by their teams. None of the major sports leagues offer any sort of retirement plan for ex-mascots or coverage in their pension plans, which has been blamed for the hard times many ex-mascots have fallen upon after leaving the game.

"Look at what happened to Youppi after the Expos moved," said Pat the Patriot, referring to the former Montreal Expos mascot who was found dead of an apparent heart attack outside of a popular strip club in July. "They want the guy to be fat and rotund because it's funny. Well, you know what isn't so funny? Heart disease, diabetes, thickening of arteries...all the things you get by being seven feet tall and having a 108 inch waist. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Among the other former mascots who have died young or experienced difficulty in their post-mascoting lives are Chief Noc-A-Homa of the Atlanta Braves (overdosed on hair spray whip-its), Father Knickerbocker of the NY Knicks (declared bankruptcy after being convicted and serving two years in stock scam) and Brownie, the original Cleveland Browns elf (killed in bar fight in 1999).

Pat the Patriot, however, is determined to make sure the same fate doesn't happen to other mascots. He has been organized fellow retired mascots into a group he calls the NFL Mascots Association. The NFLMA is urging Congress to take action to give retired mascots benefits and make current mascots fully covered under the NFL pension plan. He says that as an act of solidarity, mascots for all 31 NFL teams, plus many in other sports, are willing to go on strike if their demands aren't met.

In response, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell brushed aside the concerns of Pat the Patriot and others, or worries about the impact of a mascot's strike.

"I think that mascots are well-payed for the amount of work that they do," Goodell said. "It's not like we can't find replacement mascots if needed. I mean, is an Atlanta Falcons fan really going to know if it's Freddie Falcon entertaining him, or another, highly talented member of the falcon family?"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:12 PM 0 comments  

I am the Mendoza Line

2-3 on my picks this week - 5-5 on the season. Of course, I had no idea that just being .500 would be good for such a commanding lead after two weeks. Maybe fknmclane should let me decide which games to predict next week.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:00 PM 0 comments  

US Soccer Team Inexplicably No. 5 in Latest BCS Rankings

Underscoring the perplexing nature of this college football season, the US Men's National Soccer Team was somehow ranked fifth in this week's BCS poll. Despite having a 0-0 overall record, and consisting of professional soccer players - most of whom have never seen a college football game - the US Soccer team has a chance to play for the BCS championship game if things break their way.

"I know it might seem odd for the outsider, but if you understood the math behind it, you'd see that the BCS rankings give the fairest representation of the best teams in the country," said BCS commissioner Mike Slive. "If the computers say that the US Soccer Team is fifth, then they must be fifth."

Critics of the BCS have put the blame on the decision before the start of this season to add American-based teams in the FIFA World Soccer rankings as an equal component of the BCS, a move officials said would help expand the marketing of college football overseas. While the US National Soccer Team does not show up on any human poll and ranks 120th out of 119 teams in every other computer poll, it's standings in the FIFA rankings have boosted it into the Top 5.

"This is the damnedest thing I've seen in all my years tracking the BCS," said computer rankings guru Jerry Palm. "Although it would still be a longshot, the fact that the US National Soccer team does not play before the end of the season could be a benefit. They'll need some teams to lose, but it could happen."

US Soccer Team captain Landon Donovan said despite his only experience with American football was being taunted and beaten by players in high school, he and the rest of his teammates would be thrilled to play for a BCS Title.

"My teammates and I have been working on our formations all week just in case," he said. "We've been working on our shuffle passes, our nickel, dime and quarter defenses, and especially our scrums - we think that's going to be the key. That, and our experience in performing well in big games and rising to the situation when the pressure is on."

Ranked ahead of the US Soccer Team in the BCS rankings are Ohio State, LSU, the 1955 Oklahoma team and the cast of CBS-TV's "How I Met Your Mother".

Despite the controversy, Slive said there were obvious signs that the system worked.

"Hey, I think we can all agree that the US Soccer Team is more deserving than Notre Dame," he said.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:03 AM 4 comments  

The Handicapable Challenge, Week 2: Part II

OK, so I have to keep the momentum up after going 3-2 last week. It's not a lot of momentum, mind you. Glacial, even. But like I said earlier, a winning week is a winning week.

NCAA:

Wisconsin @ Ohio St. (-15.5): Wow. I know that this is a "different" Ohio State team, and that Tressel Ball is dead, and that this is a dynamic, explosive offense and hey, didn't you see how good they looked against Penn St. last week? Maybe I'm stubborn, but I seem to remember that this is the same team that struggled mightily against Michigan St. AT HOME two games ago. And that there is always at least one game each season where OSU manages to make an easy win way too difficult.

I don't think Wisconsin is all that great, but they are better than Penn St., and again, Ohio St. having to give that many points against a Top 20 team? It's Ohio (yawn) St.!

Pick: Wisconsin (+15.5)

San Jose St. @ Boise St. (-25.5): Now, usually I would have no problem laying 25.5 with Boise St. at home. But a few things to consider here:

Boise St. is coming off of a really big road win against Fresno St. last week
Ian Johnson may not play again this week, and if he does I'm sure he won't be 100 percent.
Even though Boise St. has won the last three years, each game has been a lot closer than you think it would be.

This is a game where I know the team I'm betting on won't win, but I feel very good that they can keep it close.

Pick: San Jose St. (+25.5)

Cincinnati @ South Florida (-4.5): The home team has won the last four meetings pretty comfortably. South Florida still hasn't lost at home. And Cincinnati has a negative turnover margin in conference games and in October. Not good against a South Florida team that thrives on ball control and capitalizing on mistakes.

Pick: South Florida (-4.5)

NFL:

Denver @ Detroit (-3): Thanks to Jon Kitna deciding to poke fun at a Lions' assistant coach getting drunk and driving naked through a drive-through last year, this is a "week of adversity" for the team. Normally, I'd say that for a Cinderalla team like Detroit that has no business being 5-2, any adversity would be enough to push them towards collapse. I mean, they are the Lions.

But two things are at play here: a) I don't think this is a controversy at all within the team, and if anything it might create one of those "us against the World" scenarios millionaire athletes feed on (re: New England Patriots) and b) they are playing the Broncos, who about as close to a "can't miss" prospect to not cover as we have in the NFL. They are 1-6 Against the Spread (ATS) this year and 6-18 in their last 24 games overall. Basically, Vegas (or the betting public) hasn't caught up yet to the fact that these aren't the same Broncos teams of even a couple of seasons ago. Mike Shanahan's magic is gone - teams have figured out "the system" and it turns out that you sometimes do need more talent at running back than just plugging in rejects and 5th round draft picks.

Until Vegas figures this out, keep riding the anti-Orange Crush.

Pick: Detroit (-3)

New England @ Indianapolis (+5.5): So the defending Super Bowl champions, who are: a) undefeated, b) look better defensively than last year, c) have beaten two straight division rivals with winning records on the road, d) have maybe the best QB ever and e) oh yeah, are at home, are almost a touchdown underdog in any game?

Excuse me for a minute; my eyes just bugged out of my head like Roger Rabbit.

You know which teams are usually underdogs by that much at home? The Raiders. The Bils. The Cardinals. The Vikings. In other words, the worst of the worst, not the defending champions who have been steamrolling everyone in their own right.

Look, for all of New England's offensive fireworks so far this season, Bill Belachick does not want to get into a shootout against Peyton Manning - it's as simple as that. And Tony Dungy is not going to let the Patriots fire away downfield all game. The Colts are going to force New England to run - maybe they can and maybe they can't, but they aren't going to put up 40 points that way. New England might win, but we all know it's coming down to the end of the game.

Pick: Indianapolis (+5.5)

Bonus pick: Arizona St. gets drilled by Oregon harder that a wildcatter in an unclaimed spot of Texas land. Oregon 34, Arizona St. 13.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:51 PM 0 comments