Red Sox trade Manny to Boston, hope he doesn't catch on

BOSTON - The Red Sox, ending weeks of speculation, traded disgruntled star Manny Ramirez to Boston today, hoping that the eccentric slugger wouldn't catch on that it's the same place.

The plan appeared to be working, as Ramirez told a throng of reporters that he was "very happy" to be heading to Boston, and "glad that the Red Sox granted his wish to leave."

"Like I said yesterday, I love the Red Sox fans but the team doesn't deserve me," Ramirez said as he was cleaning out his locker following the trade announcement. "I'm happy that I'm going somewhere like Boston, where they know how to win and treat players right."

Ramirez then asked reporters what the weather was like in Boston, and if he needed to bring a coat before continuing to remove items from his locker, including: a cactus, a Betamax player, a giant vat of mint jelly and his pet iguana Kaz.

Red Sox team officials informed Ramirez of the trade this morning. He had spent the night at the team offices, having had a sleepover with several friends in a make-shift tent made of old jerseys.

"We really had to sell it to him that he had been traded by the Red Sox to Boston," said an anonymous source in the Red Sox front office. "So we told him how difficult it would be to see him in a uniform other than the Red Sox, but that he was going to a team in Boston that was in the middle of a pennant race and that really needed him to play at 100 percent. He seemed excited about the opportunity, although mainly he kept asking me if he could wear my gorilla suit again. I mean...a gorilla suit."

Officials gave Ramirez a plane ticket that would take him from Logan Airport to Manchester, NH, where he would then be driven in a limo back into Boston. The plane will also stop over in Hartford, CT, "just to make it seem like he went far away."

There has been concern that Ramirez might get suspicious upon seeing the Green Monster upon his "arrival" at Fenway Park, and might start putting two and two together. In response, the Red Sox announced that they will be painting the wall slightly blue-green, and if that fails, telling Ramirez that he's just imagining things.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:40 AM