WASHINGTON, DC - After earlier announcing that they had promoted recently-hired offensive coordinator Jim Zorn to fill their head coaching vacancy, an embarrassed Washington Redskins organization were forced to hire avant-garde jazz musician and composer John Zorn as their head coach after a series of clerical errors.
"Accoring to what our lawyers tell me, we are on the hook to pay John Zorn $3.5 million over the next three years," said Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, "and I'm not a person who is going to let that kind of money go to waste. If we're going to be paying this beatnik that kind of money, we might as well get some value out of it. Plus, we've been looking for a head coach forever, and we were probably going to have to hire a new one next year anyway, so whatever."
Snyder explained that a formal contract was drawn up by the team's legal department, but a smudging of the ink on a handwritten note made the first name appear to read "John." From there, a series of what Snyder called "regrettable missteps and lack of oversight" lead to a contract being delivered to the jazz autumns, known for his forays into hardcore, filmic and klezmer music - mixing traditional jazz and chaotic noise. It is believed that John Zorn signed the contract without reading it, believing it to be another MacArthur Genius Grant.
Jim Zorn will still be retained by the team as offensive coordinator, Snyder said. Jim Zorn said that he has been "pouring over these game pieces to figure out what kind of offense he wants us to run - to be honest, I'm pretty stumped at this point."
When reached for comment, John Zorn held up a series of signs before making loud, atonal and intermittent squawks on his saxophone for several minutes before the reporter eventually hung up the phone.
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