- College Basketball Exhibition: Quincy @ Illinois (6 p.m., Big Ten Network) - Tonight on Quincy: was it an "accidental" car crash, or was it something more sinister? Quincy gets to the bottom of things by hanging out on his houseboat and checking out hot girls in bikinis for skin cancer while Sam gets stuck doing the real work.
- 19th Hole (Golf Channel, 6:30 p.m.) - A half-hour of John Daly getting drunk, eating beer peanuts and playing the Tri Towers game at the Touchmaster 3000 machine at the end of the bar.
- Best Damned Sports Show Period: Halloween Special (FSN, 8 p.m.) - Watch as John Salley sets a bag of flaming dog poop on the doorstep of former host Tom Arnold. Hilarity ensues!
- Classic Bull Riding: 2005 PRCA Extreme Bulls (ESPN Classic, 8 p.m.) - These are regular bulls, these are EXTREME!!!
Remember, this is 2005, before they started testing bulls for Vault Energy Drink. - NBA Developmental League Pre-Draft Show (NBATV, 9 p.m.) - I know there's been a lot of debate on who the Colorado 14ers will select first: Trey Johnson or Curtis Sumpter. Actually, even Mel Kiper Jr. thinks a pre-draft show for what is essentially the NBA's minor league is a crock of crap.
Oct 31, 2007
What Not to Watch: 10/31
Because hiding razor blades in candy apples requires too much concentration to try to do while watch bad sports programming on TV.(All time Pacific.)
NBA Regular Season Starting is a Shock to Everyone
I was going to do this as a fake news story, but the more I've been thinking about this, the more I think it deserves it's own, serious post. The NBA regular season started last night with a full slate of games. Seriously. If you're like me, this was a huge surprise, since there was relatively no fanfare for it in the days leading up to last night. (TBS did a 350 percent better job of informing me about Frank TV - which premieres on Nov. 20, if you didn't know - during the MLB playoffs than the NBA or its broadcast partners did letting me know about the start of the regular season.)
Did you have any trouble remembering when Opening Night was for the NFL? No, of course you didn't - they've turned it into a national holiday and extravaganza, complete with live elephants, half-naked women on the trapeze, Dangerous Dan Fillipi on the Roundabout of Death, and Peyton Manning. Complain about the length of the preseason all you want, but every game builds to Opening Night. Even MLB does a better job of making a big deal out of the Opening Night. The NBA? It's seemingly weeks of Summer Leagues and exhibition games in Bakersfield, and then suddenly WHAMMO, this game counts.
Part of me wants to say that this was just general bungling on the part of the NBA. What used to be the most well-oiled PR machine has sprung more leaks than a destroyer at Pearl Harbor (when the Germans attacked). From refs on the take, to rampant sexual harassment taking place at one of the league's premiere franchises, to general fan disinterest in the game, it's been a rough year. I guess it would be easy for the league to, you know, forget to publicize that regular season games have started.
But I think there's something bigger going on here. I think Commissioner David Stern knows that this was a lousy last year, and that any hyping of Opening Night would lead to the inevitable story with a lead something like: "Looking to rebound from an off-season filled with scandal and embarrassment, the NBA regular season tips off tonight with..." And you could expect more column inches in that story devoted to recapping each negative issue the league is dealing with than spent on forecasting the season.
So what the solution? Go under the radar. Get the regular season started quietly, so that the timeliness of those "NBA in trouble" stories is lost. By the time anyone realizes the regular season has started, it's too late for the press to pile on, since they'll have to spend their time actually covering games.
You have to admire David Stern for pulling this off. Unless, of course, this was all a big screw-up.
Did you have any trouble remembering when Opening Night was for the NFL? No, of course you didn't - they've turned it into a national holiday and extravaganza, complete with live elephants, half-naked women on the trapeze, Dangerous Dan Fillipi on the Roundabout of Death, and Peyton Manning. Complain about the length of the preseason all you want, but every game builds to Opening Night. Even MLB does a better job of making a big deal out of the Opening Night. The NBA? It's seemingly weeks of Summer Leagues and exhibition games in Bakersfield, and then suddenly WHAMMO, this game counts.
Part of me wants to say that this was just general bungling on the part of the NBA. What used to be the most well-oiled PR machine has sprung more leaks than a destroyer at Pearl Harbor (when the Germans attacked). From refs on the take, to rampant sexual harassment taking place at one of the league's premiere franchises, to general fan disinterest in the game, it's been a rough year. I guess it would be easy for the league to, you know, forget to publicize that regular season games have started.
But I think there's something bigger going on here. I think Commissioner David Stern knows that this was a lousy last year, and that any hyping of Opening Night would lead to the inevitable story with a lead something like: "Looking to rebound from an off-season filled with scandal and embarrassment, the NBA regular season tips off tonight with..." And you could expect more column inches in that story devoted to recapping each negative issue the league is dealing with than spent on forecasting the season.
So what the solution? Go under the radar. Get the regular season started quietly, so that the timeliness of those "NBA in trouble" stories is lost. By the time anyone realizes the regular season has started, it's too late for the press to pile on, since they'll have to spend their time actually covering games.
You have to admire David Stern for pulling this off. Unless, of course, this was all a big screw-up.
The Handicapabling Challenge Week 1 Review
I went 3-2 with my picks from last week. Which I'm happy with - 3-2 means that I won money (in theory). Of course, my 10-Star ACC Lock of the Year - Virginia Tech over BC - crapped out. But, I'm up on fknmclane by one game after the first week, and really that's what matters.
Along with the above-mentioned game, my other loss was picking the NY Giants over Miami. The Giants won, but they didn't come close to covering the 9 1/2 point spread. Looking back, I should have known better. I broke one of my cardinal rules of sports handicapping, especially football: don't bet on a favorite if they have a lousy offense. You're asking them to not only win, but win by several points. If teams have lousy offenses, then there are going to be a lot of one and two-point games.
And it's not like it's a surprise that Tech's offense stunk - I said so much in the preview. And asking the Giants to beat anyone by 10? Even Miami? I should have had my head examined after choosing that.
As for this week, games are being reviewed, information is being poured over, and tarot cards are being shuffled.
Along with the above-mentioned game, my other loss was picking the NY Giants over Miami. The Giants won, but they didn't come close to covering the 9 1/2 point spread. Looking back, I should have known better. I broke one of my cardinal rules of sports handicapping, especially football: don't bet on a favorite if they have a lousy offense. You're asking them to not only win, but win by several points. If teams have lousy offenses, then there are going to be a lot of one and two-point games.
And it's not like it's a surprise that Tech's offense stunk - I said so much in the preview. And asking the Giants to beat anyone by 10? Even Miami? I should have had my head examined after choosing that.
As for this week, games are being reviewed, information is being poured over, and tarot cards are being shuffled.
Oct 29, 2007
Source: Belichick Cheated, Ran Up Score on Grandfather in Scrabble
FOXBORO, MA - Family sources reported today that New England Patroits head coach Bill Belichick has been accused of running up the score in a game of Scrabble against his 92 year-old grandfather last week, and of possibly cheating in order to win.
Belichick had been engaging his grandfather Earl in an ongoing series of Scrabble games on Tuesday mornings at the White Oak Senior Living Center in Walpole where the elder Belichick lives. However, after losing for three straight weeks, Bill Belichick became obsessed with winning, said sources close to the situation.
"Well, you know that Billy isn't used to losing, so when his grandpa went on a little hot streak, he took it pretty hard," said the source. "He was on the phone all week with his friend Matt, who came to visit with Billy this week even though he'd never been here before."
The "Matt" is believed to be Matt Estrella, the Patriots' video assistant who was implicated in the TapeGate controversy earlier in the year. The source said that when Belichick and his grandfather sat down to play, Estrella set down a video camera and then left the room.
"He said the video camera was 'for Bill's scrapbook', but I don't believe it," said the source. "Every once in a while, I thought I would get a glimpse of Matt outside, looking at a small TV and talking into a phone. And I don't know why Bill insisted on wearing his headphones during the game."
Belichick later claimed that he wore his headphones, which can be used to communicate with assistants, because "his ears were cold and he forgot his earmuffs."
"I mean you tell me: every time Earl would get close, Bill would suddenly have to go to the bathroom or get a soda," said the source. "When he'd come back, BOOM, seven-letter word. I mean, he goes from three turns of "cat", "bone" and "mine" to suddenly playing "santoor"? Come on."
Even worse, according to the source, was Belichick's attitude after the game was out of reach.
"He's up by 120 points at the end of the game, and his grandfather played 'layz'. Now, it was obvious that he meant to put down 'lazy' but just got confused - his grandpa is starting to lose it a little bit, and the cataracts are starting to act up. But when he realized what he did and tried to change it, Bill threw a napkin on the ground to challenge it. He made his grandpa take the word off and lose his turn. I guess it's legal, but it's not a very cool thing to do if you ask me."
When asked about the Scrabble game, Belichick grunted for a couple of seconds and then flipped off the reporter.
Bill Belichick (right) and his grandfather Earl play a "friendly" game of Scrabble
Belichick had been engaging his grandfather Earl in an ongoing series of Scrabble games on Tuesday mornings at the White Oak Senior Living Center in Walpole where the elder Belichick lives. However, after losing for three straight weeks, Bill Belichick became obsessed with winning, said sources close to the situation.
"Well, you know that Billy isn't used to losing, so when his grandpa went on a little hot streak, he took it pretty hard," said the source. "He was on the phone all week with his friend Matt, who came to visit with Billy this week even though he'd never been here before."
The "Matt" is believed to be Matt Estrella, the Patriots' video assistant who was implicated in the TapeGate controversy earlier in the year. The source said that when Belichick and his grandfather sat down to play, Estrella set down a video camera and then left the room.
"He said the video camera was 'for Bill's scrapbook', but I don't believe it," said the source. "Every once in a while, I thought I would get a glimpse of Matt outside, looking at a small TV and talking into a phone. And I don't know why Bill insisted on wearing his headphones during the game."
Belichick later claimed that he wore his headphones, which can be used to communicate with assistants, because "his ears were cold and he forgot his earmuffs."
"I mean you tell me: every time Earl would get close, Bill would suddenly have to go to the bathroom or get a soda," said the source. "When he'd come back, BOOM, seven-letter word. I mean, he goes from three turns of "cat", "bone" and "mine" to suddenly playing "santoor"? Come on."
Even worse, according to the source, was Belichick's attitude after the game was out of reach.
"He's up by 120 points at the end of the game, and his grandfather played 'layz'. Now, it was obvious that he meant to put down 'lazy' but just got confused - his grandpa is starting to lose it a little bit, and the cataracts are starting to act up. But when he realized what he did and tried to change it, Bill threw a napkin on the ground to challenge it. He made his grandpa take the word off and lose his turn. I guess it's legal, but it's not a very cool thing to do if you ask me."
When asked about the Scrabble game, Belichick grunted for a couple of seconds and then flipped off the reporter.
Bill Belichick (right) and his grandfather Earl play a "friendly" game of ScrabbleOct 26, 2007
Songs of Faith and Devotion
This Saturday is probably the best (on paper) slate of college football action all season. All eight of the Top 12 ranked BCS teams who are in action tomorrow have losable games. This week is either going to clarify things or confuse them to historical proportions. And my team, USC, is
in a huge game at Oregon. Win and they are right back in the thick of the BCS Title picture. Lose and they are suddenly looking for a way to get a Holiday Bowl berth at best.
So of course, where will I be tomorrow? Parked in front of my TV, flipping back and forth and lapsing into a football and beer-induced stupor? Nope. I'll be in Fresno (my hometown) with my wife, attending the largest Civil War re-enactment West of the Mississippi. Because her birthday was this week, and this is what she wanted to do.
The things you sacrifice for the people you love...
in a huge game at Oregon. Win and they are right back in the thick of the BCS Title picture. Lose and they are suddenly looking for a way to get a Holiday Bowl berth at best.
So of course, where will I be tomorrow? Parked in front of my TV, flipping back and forth and lapsing into a football and beer-induced stupor? Nope. I'll be in Fresno (my hometown) with my wife, attending the largest Civil War re-enactment West of the Mississippi. Because her birthday was this week, and this is what she wanted to do.
The things you sacrifice for the people you love...
Boston College Fans Take to Streets to Celebrate Team's Victory
“I mean, it’s been a long, hard drought since the last time the Celtics won a title,” said Patrick O’Leary, 45, who had come down to the Bull and Heather, a pub popular with
“Fortunately, the thousands of hardcore
Sports fans throughout the
“Sometimes he takes some plays off, but you know he’s going to be there when it counts,” he said. “It’s just Matty being Matty.”
Traffic in the greater
Thousands of Boston College Eagle fans take to the streets to celebrate the team's 14-10 win over Virginia Tech on Thursday night.
Oct 25, 2007
The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 2
Let me introduce you to someone you'll be getting to know quite a bit at Your Face is a Sports Blog: my good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane. As I mentioned earlier, we're going to be going head-to-head in the Handicapabling Challenge to see which of us is "better" at picking football games. (I'm putting quotes around "better" because I fully expect a .500 record to be way in the lead by the end of the year.) There are a few things you should know about fknmclane:
So, welcome fknmclane into your hearts, your homes and your lives as he makes his picks for the Handicapabling Challenge:
Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3):
As my esteemed colleague the Duke so eloquently put it, the Tech offense is terrible. In fact, I'd describe it as "the suck." Admittedly, I base this off of just a couple of games, especially their opener and national ball-gargling "healing" holiday against East Carolina, but I know I'm right. So fuck you. And besides, as long as Frank Beamer's jaw looks fucked up, his team will be returning INT's and punts for touchdowns.
I should probably give some thoughts about BC since they are after all playing in this game. Well, they suck as well and they're overrated. So there you go. They suck harder than Tech (27-14 over Notre Dame? fucking pussies...a good high school team could beat the hapless Irish at this point) and they're playing on the road, therefore, they can kiss their top ten BCS ranking goodbye.
fknmclane's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)
USC @ Oregon (-3): I hate USC. I really do. I hate their fucking guts and I hope they lose out from here.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this game will be the start of their losing tailspin as they stagger through the remainder of their Pac-10 schedule. And I truly, honestly say that without factoring in my hatred for the "Men of Troy."
A few points to make:
Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): Bottom of the barrel Pac teams. Never good times, anything can happen with these stupid games. Here goes:
Mike Stoops vs. Tyrone Willingham, kidney stones vs. stoicism
PICK - Willingam's stone-faced grill
shitty team on the road vs. shitty team at home
PICK - have you ever been to Tucson? Seattle is like fucking Mars compared to Tucson, the Wildcats will be too busy trying to figure out the space needle to focus on even picking up a first down
Concussed Willie Tuitama vs. Savior Locker
PICK - fuck the "savior" of Husky football, he's a douche. But still better than Willie Tuitama who has ran for his life for three years straight now.
fknmclane's pick: Washington (-3.5)
Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Holy fuck, I hate this game. Are the Broncos the team that got f'd in the a by the Chargers or the one that beat an unsuspecting and unprepared Steelers team last week? Looks like Tomlin is back to the drawing board after that one, huh Steelers fans? And by back to the drawing board I mean getting his baby fro trimmed ever so perfectly and stealing Big Ben's fruit cocktail.
The only way Green Bay wins this game is if Javon Walker's knee magically heals overnight and he slaps on his old jersey and goes on to torch the stupid Broncos. Unfortunately for the Packers they have no running game, they're on the road, and they've won with smoke and mirrors.
fknmclane's pick: Denver (-3)
New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): I'm not what you would call "pleased" with the Duke for making this one of our picks this week. It involves two unlikable teams and it's being played in London.
9.5 is a lot of points but the Dolphins have been kidnapped by a transsexual former kicker known as "The Mule" who likes to dig his/her "gun" into the hip of pet detectives hot on the trail and who knows a thing or two about buckling under the pressure.
They suck and suck hard. Really hard. You know all that crap about the Patriots going 16-0? Well, the Dolphins could easily end up 0-16. As an aside, am I the only one that thinks Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have pulled a train on Thomas' sister, aka Mrs Jason Taylor? I bet they have. There's no way Thomas gives his sister away to Taylor without some kind of benefit.
Strahan and Unemamamlogmeiakkemdare are going to eat Cleo Lemon alive and Eli Manning will do just enough for a three touchdown win.
Also, fuck Ronnie Brown and his ACL.
* if you think this is the last Ace Ventura reference you'll see when I'm discussing a Dolphins game, you couldn't be any more incorrect Mr Poopypants.
fknmclane's pick: New York (-9.5)
PS - See above for exhibit A on why the Duke will stomp me in picks. Who the fuck goes with the favorite in every game?
- He is possible the angriest man I've ever met. He's like a bitter, 70 year-old trapped in the body of a man half his age. (Which is even more sad because he's younger than that).
- He is kind of a retard. It did take him something like seven years to graduate college. From Arizona State. Also, he once got his Ford Tempo caught in a flash flood in Phoenix and ruined it. (It's hard to ruin a Tempo, BTW). Which all explains why he chose to pick the same games I did even though our rules clearly stated that he could choose any five games that he wanted.
- His wife is a saint. See the above two items for proof.
So, welcome fknmclane into your hearts, your homes and your lives as he makes his picks for the Handicapabling Challenge:
Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3):
As my esteemed colleague the Duke so eloquently put it, the Tech offense is terrible. In fact, I'd describe it as "the suck." Admittedly, I base this off of just a couple of games, especially their opener and national ball-gargling "healing" holiday against East Carolina, but I know I'm right. So fuck you. And besides, as long as Frank Beamer's jaw looks fucked up, his team will be returning INT's and punts for touchdowns.
I should probably give some thoughts about BC since they are after all playing in this game. Well, they suck as well and they're overrated. So there you go. They suck harder than Tech (27-14 over Notre Dame? fucking pussies...a good high school team could beat the hapless Irish at this point) and they're playing on the road, therefore, they can kiss their top ten BCS ranking goodbye.
fknmclane's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)
USC @ Oregon (-3): I hate USC. I really do. I hate their fucking guts and I hope they lose out from here.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this game will be the start of their losing tailspin as they stagger through the remainder of their Pac-10 schedule. And I truly, honestly say that without factoring in my hatred for the "Men of Troy."
A few points to make:
- To quote a drunken, 40-year old female from Heber, Arizona with a giant ass and a habit of biting necks that I once had the pleasure of meeting and seeing molest my best friend, Mark Sanchez "IS NOT READY FOR THIS!" It's just his third game starting and going into Eugene is not going to be a cakewalk. He can rock the Mexican flag wristband, headband, jockstrap and it isn't going to help him. A diaper might be of service though.
- Dennis Dixon is REALLY FUCKING GOOD. Pete Carroll is known for his defensive scheming and khaki pants but that brain under his disheveled mop will be no match for Dixon and Oregon's spread.
- To piggyback my previous point about Dixon being REALLY FUCKING GOOD...the team he quarterbacks is also REALLY FUCKING GOOD. If not for their retard wide receiver stretching the football across the goalline to be easily knocked away against Cal, they'd be #1 in the BCS right now. And they still might end up being said #1
- USC has looked average at best at times and a stomping of Notre Dame has done nothing to change my mind.
- I need a muzzle
Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): Bottom of the barrel Pac teams. Never good times, anything can happen with these stupid games. Here goes:
Mike Stoops vs. Tyrone Willingham, kidney stones vs. stoicism
PICK - Willingam's stone-faced grill
shitty team on the road vs. shitty team at home
PICK - have you ever been to Tucson? Seattle is like fucking Mars compared to Tucson, the Wildcats will be too busy trying to figure out the space needle to focus on even picking up a first down
Concussed Willie Tuitama vs. Savior Locker
PICK - fuck the "savior" of Husky football, he's a douche. But still better than Willie Tuitama who has ran for his life for three years straight now.
fknmclane's pick: Washington (-3.5)
Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Holy fuck, I hate this game. Are the Broncos the team that got f'd in the a by the Chargers or the one that beat an unsuspecting and unprepared Steelers team last week? Looks like Tomlin is back to the drawing board after that one, huh Steelers fans? And by back to the drawing board I mean getting his baby fro trimmed ever so perfectly and stealing Big Ben's fruit cocktail.
The only way Green Bay wins this game is if Javon Walker's knee magically heals overnight and he slaps on his old jersey and goes on to torch the stupid Broncos. Unfortunately for the Packers they have no running game, they're on the road, and they've won with smoke and mirrors.
fknmclane's pick: Denver (-3)
New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): I'm not what you would call "pleased" with the Duke for making this one of our picks this week. It involves two unlikable teams and it's being played in London.
9.5 is a lot of points but the Dolphins have been kidnapped by a transsexual former kicker known as "The Mule" who likes to dig his/her "gun" into the hip of pet detectives hot on the trail and who knows a thing or two about buckling under the pressure.
They suck and suck hard. Really hard. You know all that crap about the Patriots going 16-0? Well, the Dolphins could easily end up 0-16. As an aside, am I the only one that thinks Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have pulled a train on Thomas' sister, aka Mrs Jason Taylor? I bet they have. There's no way Thomas gives his sister away to Taylor without some kind of benefit.
Strahan and Unemamamlogmeiakkemdare are going to eat Cleo Lemon alive and Eli Manning will do just enough for a three touchdown win.
Also, fuck Ronnie Brown and his ACL.
* if you think this is the last Ace Ventura reference you'll see when I'm discussing a Dolphins game, you couldn't be any more incorrect Mr Poopypants.
fknmclane's pick: New York (-9.5)
PS - See above for exhibit A on why the Duke will stomp me in picks. Who the fuck goes with the favorite in every game?
Great Moments on Goalkeeping, Part 1
When you are a big underdog in soccer, the last thing you want to do is give up a soft goal early in the game to put you behind. Like, say, if you were Schalke 04, and you were playing Chelsea in a Champions League Group Stage game, you wouldn't want your keeper to do this:
Manuel Neuer committed this blunder, "helping" Chelsea to a 2-0 win and a place atop their group standings. I think his manager calling letting a weak shot go right through his legs "not helpful" is a bit of an understatement. I believe he thinks that the Rockies' pitchers were "a bit subpar" last night as well.
Manuel Neuer committed this blunder, "helping" Chelsea to a 2-0 win and a place atop their group standings. I think his manager calling letting a weak shot go right through his legs "not helpful" is a bit of an understatement. I believe he thinks that the Rockies' pitchers were "a bit subpar" last night as well.
What Not to Watch: 10/25/07
Keeping you informed of the sports viewing choices you shouldn't make tonight (all times Pacific, because that's where I live - suck it, Eastern Time Zone!):
Greatest High School Football Rivalries (Versus, 5 p.m.) - If Taft vs. Bakersfield isn't No. 1, Kirk Russell is going to be pissed
MLS Playoffs: DC United at Chicago Fire (ESPN2, 5:30 p.m.) - I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is going to draw low ratings in Southern California.
Nothin' But Knockouts (FSN, 6:30 p.m.) - Me, I prefer Nothin' But Majority Decisions, but I guess I can see the appeal of this, too...
NHL Hockey: Phoenix Coyotes @ Anaheim Ducks (Fox Sports Prime Ticket, 7 p.m.) - Coyotes vs. Ducks? It's like some crazy, mixed up Warner Bros. cartoon. What's next, Bugs Bunny trying to eat Tweety Bird? It's unnatural, and against the rules of God and man.
Greatest High School Football Rivalries (Versus, 5 p.m.) - If Taft vs. Bakersfield isn't No. 1, Kirk Russell is going to be pissed
MLS Playoffs: DC United at Chicago Fire (ESPN2, 5:30 p.m.) - I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is going to draw low ratings in Southern California.
Nothin' But Knockouts (FSN, 6:30 p.m.) - Me, I prefer Nothin' But Majority Decisions, but I guess I can see the appeal of this, too...
NHL Hockey: Phoenix Coyotes @ Anaheim Ducks (Fox Sports Prime Ticket, 7 p.m.) - Coyotes vs. Ducks? It's like some crazy, mixed up Warner Bros. cartoon. What's next, Bugs Bunny trying to eat Tweety Bird? It's unnatural, and against the rules of God and man.
Punk Rock Baseball cards
Thanks to my friend and Awesome Helicopter Ninjas teammate Michael for pointing me to this site with very cool images of old-time baseball cards done using hipster musicians. Needless to say, this is right up my alley.
The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 1
I am great at making sports betting picks. My only problem is that I have no money, and therefore can't place bets myself. Plus, betting is illegal! But, that doesn't mean you can't prosper on my lack of extra spending money. I've decided to make five picks every week on various college and NFL games. My good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane, is also going to be making five picks a week. We'll keep a running tally and see how does better at the end of the year. Winner gets...something. I'm not really sure what yet. Maybe the loser has to go to the winner's house and make him a home-cooked breakfast with lots of bacon.
Anyway, here's my picks for this week's Handicapabling Challenge (because it's not handicapping - that's offense to the cripples):
Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3): Virginia Tech's offense stinks, especially trying to throw the football, which means they've pretty much had to lean on their running game. But that plays right into the strength of the Eagles' defense. And I don't expect either Sean Glennon or Tyrod Taylor to single-handedly win any games. But my issue with picking Boston College is this: they've played creampuffs the last month (Army, U Mass, Bowling Green and Notre Dame). I'm not sure how they are going to react to real defensive players who actually hit and give you owies. And I'm really unsure about Boston College's wide receivers (who for all intents and purposes haven't existed this season) against the Hokies' secondary.
I say Matt Ryan get hurried and flustered, throws three picks, including one for a TD. Goodbye national title, and goodbye Heisman. I feel so good about this pick that I'm making it my 10 Star ACC Lock of the Year!
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)
USC @ Oregon (-3): This is a line that has no correlation to how Vegas thinks the game should turn out. This line is so close just because if USC was as big of a dog as they should be, dopey bettors would place a ton of money on them BECAUSE THEY ARE USC, and Vegas doesn't want that - they want a 50/50 split of bets to ensure they make money. If this was Team A @ Team B, with the same records but without knowing who was who, Oregon would be favored by at least a touchdown. And they should be: anyone who has watched USC in Pete Carroll's tenure knows that his defenses cannot (Vince Young) handle (Vince Young) mobile QBs (Vince Young). Even in games they've won, it's been nothing but headaches.
For the first time in a long time, USC's defense is going to be facing an offense that is just as fast as them if not faster. In order to keep it close, USC is going to need to score a lot of points - at least in the 30s. As much as my Cardinal & Gold heart hates to admit it, I don't have a lot of faith in either John David Booty or Mark Sanchez getting the team there.
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Oregon (-2.5)
Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): The underdog is 9-0 against the spread in the last nine games, and the road team is 9-1 in the last 10 overall. That's enough for me, when you combine it with the fact that a) Jake Locker is overhyped and all potential - maybe he'll be amazing in two years, but as of right now he's a flash of greatness and a lot of bad decisions and b) it's time for Ty Willingham to remind everyone of just why he's no longer Notre Dame coach (other than, you know, being black).
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Arizona (+3.5)
Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Remember when there arguably was no better home field advantage than Denver? When opponents basically freaked out about playing at Mile High Stadium so much that they were dead before opening kick-off? Well, I guess moving from Mile High to the shiny new Invesco Honeywell Whatever the Fuck It's Called Stadium didn't work out so well, because Denver is suddenly ass at home. They are 1-3 at home against the spread this season, and 1-9 at home ATS going back to last season.
Call it the Curse of Mile High, or just the rest of the league figuring Mike Shanahan out. Either way, look for Bret Favre to survive 18 interceptions and lead his team to a "gutty" 13-12 victory.
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Green Bay (+3)
New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): Wait, this game involves the Giants, yet they decide to make a massive robotic version of a Dolphins player? Jeremy Shockey is going to be so pissed. And by "pissed" I mean in the classic British slang way, i.e. drunk off his ass with a bunch of his new "hooligan" friends the night before the game.
My prediction? The all-new New York Giants Firm (led by Elijah Wood), inspired by Shockey, brawls with the giant Jason Taylor robot before the game. The Dolphins take the opportunity the chaos provides to attempt to replace Cleo Lemon with Dan Marino. However, the Giants will counter by bringing in Diet Pepsi Machine (cut by the Patriots to make cap room for Randy Moss), who scores six touchdowns while Shockey is off stomping someone's head.
The Duke of Kickball's pick: New York (-9.5)
Anyway, here's my picks for this week's Handicapabling Challenge (because it's not handicapping - that's offense to the cripples):
Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3): Virginia Tech's offense stinks, especially trying to throw the football, which means they've pretty much had to lean on their running game. But that plays right into the strength of the Eagles' defense. And I don't expect either Sean Glennon or Tyrod Taylor to single-handedly win any games. But my issue with picking Boston College is this: they've played creampuffs the last month (Army, U Mass, Bowling Green and Notre Dame). I'm not sure how they are going to react to real defensive players who actually hit and give you owies. And I'm really unsure about Boston College's wide receivers (who for all intents and purposes haven't existed this season) against the Hokies' secondary.
I say Matt Ryan get hurried and flustered, throws three picks, including one for a TD. Goodbye national title, and goodbye Heisman. I feel so good about this pick that I'm making it my 10 Star ACC Lock of the Year!
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)
USC @ Oregon (-3): This is a line that has no correlation to how Vegas thinks the game should turn out. This line is so close just because if USC was as big of a dog as they should be, dopey bettors would place a ton of money on them BECAUSE THEY ARE USC, and Vegas doesn't want that - they want a 50/50 split of bets to ensure they make money. If this was Team A @ Team B, with the same records but without knowing who was who, Oregon would be favored by at least a touchdown. And they should be: anyone who has watched USC in Pete Carroll's tenure knows that his defenses cannot (Vince Young) handle (Vince Young) mobile QBs (Vince Young). Even in games they've won, it's been nothing but headaches.
For the first time in a long time, USC's defense is going to be facing an offense that is just as fast as them if not faster. In order to keep it close, USC is going to need to score a lot of points - at least in the 30s. As much as my Cardinal & Gold heart hates to admit it, I don't have a lot of faith in either John David Booty or Mark Sanchez getting the team there.
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Oregon (-2.5)
Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): The underdog is 9-0 against the spread in the last nine games, and the road team is 9-1 in the last 10 overall. That's enough for me, when you combine it with the fact that a) Jake Locker is overhyped and all potential - maybe he'll be amazing in two years, but as of right now he's a flash of greatness and a lot of bad decisions and b) it's time for Ty Willingham to remind everyone of just why he's no longer Notre Dame coach (other than, you know, being black).
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Arizona (+3.5)
Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Remember when there arguably was no better home field advantage than Denver? When opponents basically freaked out about playing at Mile High Stadium so much that they were dead before opening kick-off? Well, I guess moving from Mile High to the shiny new Invesco Honeywell Whatever the Fuck It's Called Stadium didn't work out so well, because Denver is suddenly ass at home. They are 1-3 at home against the spread this season, and 1-9 at home ATS going back to last season.
Call it the Curse of Mile High, or just the rest of the league figuring Mike Shanahan out. Either way, look for Bret Favre to survive 18 interceptions and lead his team to a "gutty" 13-12 victory.
The Duke of Kickball's pick: Green Bay (+3)
New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): Wait, this game involves the Giants, yet they decide to make a massive robotic version of a Dolphins player? Jeremy Shockey is going to be so pissed. And by "pissed" I mean in the classic British slang way, i.e. drunk off his ass with a bunch of his new "hooligan" friends the night before the game.
My prediction? The all-new New York Giants Firm (led by Elijah Wood), inspired by Shockey, brawls with the giant Jason Taylor robot before the game. The Dolphins take the opportunity the chaos provides to attempt to replace Cleo Lemon with Dan Marino. However, the Giants will counter by bringing in Diet Pepsi Machine (cut by the Patriots to make cap room for Randy Moss), who scores six touchdowns while Shockey is off stomping someone's head.
The Duke of Kickball's pick: New York (-9.5)
Red Sox Nation Smugness Level Classified as "Phil Jackson" After Game 1 Win
WASHINGTON, DC - At a press conference this morning, US Department of Smugness Awareness Director Keith Olbermann declared that the smugness level of Red Sox Nation had been officially raised to "Phil Jackson" after their team's 13-1 rout of the Colorado Rockies in Game 1 of the World Series.
"I want to assure the public that we are monitoring the situation, but make no mistake: this is a high level of smugness," Olbermann said. "We'll be monitoring the situation day-to-day. But then again, aren't we all day-to-day?"
The press conference then ground to a halt for several minutes as Olbermann smirked for the cameras before continuing.
"What we're talking about is some of the highest levels of sports fan arrogance that we've seen in year," Olbermann said. "This isn't just any Phil Jackson level, either - we're talking Phil Jackson in 2002 after winning his second title with the Lakers smug."
Olbermann said that regular citizens should go about their daily lives, but be vigilant and look out for warning signs of advanced smugness amongst Red Sox fans:
- Constant references to how "they" played last night.
- Repeatedly asking strangers how they thought the Rockies pitching staff stood a chance. against the Red Sox's unprecedented offensive onslaught.
- Asking to be referred to by co-workers and friends as "Big Papi".
- Overturning cars "for practice" for the celebration after the series is over.
Olbermann concluded by stating that his department would be monitoring the World Series for further developments. He said that it would be likely that Red Sox Nation's smugness level would be raised to Charlie Weis if the team won the World Series. However, he refused to answer questions relating to rumors that the department would have to create a new, unheard of "Dennis Miller" level if the Red Sox won in a sweep.
"I want to assure the public that we are monitoring the situation, but make no mistake: this is a high level of smugness," Olbermann said. "We'll be monitoring the situation day-to-day. But then again, aren't we all day-to-day?"
The press conference then ground to a halt for several minutes as Olbermann smirked for the cameras before continuing.
"What we're talking about is some of the highest levels of sports fan arrogance that we've seen in year," Olbermann said. "This isn't just any Phil Jackson level, either - we're talking Phil Jackson in 2002 after winning his second title with the Lakers smug."
Olbermann said that regular citizens should go about their daily lives, but be vigilant and look out for warning signs of advanced smugness amongst Red Sox fans:
- Constant references to how "they" played last night.
- Repeatedly asking strangers how they thought the Rockies pitching staff stood a chance. against the Red Sox's unprecedented offensive onslaught.
- Asking to be referred to by co-workers and friends as "Big Papi".
- Overturning cars "for practice" for the celebration after the series is over.
Olbermann concluded by stating that his department would be monitoring the World Series for further developments. He said that it would be likely that Red Sox Nation's smugness level would be raised to Charlie Weis if the team won the World Series. However, he refused to answer questions relating to rumors that the department would have to create a new, unheard of "Dennis Miller" level if the Red Sox won in a sweep.
Oct 24, 2007
Brady Quinn makes dumb bets
Say what you will about the questionable choices Browns rookie and former Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn makes in front of the camera, but you have to say this: he makes equally bad decisions on what bets to take. At least that's the impression I get after learning that he had made a "jersey bet" with former USC and retired NFL QB Rodney Peete over the outcome of last week's game. The upshot? Quinn had to wear a USC jersey in interviews this week.
My favorite part of the story is his new teammate and former USC All-American LB Willie McGinest confronting him after Quinn had thrown the jersey in the trash:
But apparently I'm not as optimistic as Quinn, who made what has to be one of the most lopsided bets in dumb bet history. I mean, even before the start of the season, did he think there was any chance that Notre Dame was going to win this game? And I know, Stanford, Stanford, Stanford. But we also didn't know just how lousy Notre Dame was going to be - I don't know if this would have been a dumber bet to take before the season started or right before the game.
I'm not saying that Brady Quinn is a sucker, but I'd like to go "heads I win, tails you lose" for a month's paycheck against him.
My favorite part of the story is his new teammate and former USC All-American LB Willie McGinest confronting him after Quinn had thrown the jersey in the trash:
Although the story leaves out what happened next, I'd like to think that the phrases "a hail of punches", "face looking like a side of meat" or "eating solid food in 6 to 8 weeks" were involved, but I think I'm being wildly optimistic.When he finished with his interview, Quinn quickly ripped off the jersey and slam dunked it into a nearby garbage can.
A few minutes later, Browns linebacker Willie McGinest, a former USC All-American, confronted Quinn in front of his locker. McGinest wanted to know what Quinn had done with the jersey.
"You acting up?" McGinest said.
"I didn't make the bet with you," Quinn said.
But apparently I'm not as optimistic as Quinn, who made what has to be one of the most lopsided bets in dumb bet history. I mean, even before the start of the season, did he think there was any chance that Notre Dame was going to win this game? And I know, Stanford, Stanford, Stanford. But we also didn't know just how lousy Notre Dame was going to be - I don't know if this would have been a dumber bet to take before the season started or right before the game.
I'm not saying that Brady Quinn is a sucker, but I'd like to go "heads I win, tails you lose" for a month's paycheck against him.
What Not To Watch: 10/24/07
Keeping you informed of the sports viewing choices you shouldn't make tonight (all times Pacific, because that's where I live - suck it, Eastern Time Zone!):
Streetball Marathon (ESPN2, 6-9 p.m.): How can it be Streetball if they are playing in playgrounds and gyms? Shouldn't the be bringing out a portable hoop and actually, you know, playing on the street?
My Best Damn Favorite Play (FSN, 9 p.m.): Unless they have Terrell Owens on to break down the complex characterization class, wealth and family portrayed in Death of a Salesman, I'm not watching. However, if that is what this show is about, it's must-see TV.
Shooting USA (Outdoor Channel, 8:30 p.m.): Everybody's skeet surfing....Skeet Surfing USA!
Streetball Marathon (ESPN2, 6-9 p.m.): How can it be Streetball if they are playing in playgrounds and gyms? Shouldn't the be bringing out a portable hoop and actually, you know, playing on the street?
My Best Damn Favorite Play (FSN, 9 p.m.): Unless they have Terrell Owens on to break down the complex characterization class, wealth and family portrayed in Death of a Salesman, I'm not watching. However, if that is what this show is about, it's must-see TV.
Shooting USA (Outdoor Channel, 8:30 p.m.): Everybody's skeet surfing....Skeet Surfing USA!
Oct 23, 2007
The Curse of the RBI Baseball Player Turned Manager
So Don Mattingly says that he's ready to manage the New York Yankees. He's one of three people up for the job, along with current Yankees first base coach Tony Pena and Joe Girardi. What do the first two have in common that the third doesn't? They were both average players in the RBI Baseball video game. Which is not as much of a coincidence as you might think - having been featured in RBI Baseball seems to be a good training ground for managers.
Well, maybe not "good". Let's take a look at the RBI Baseball players turned real-life baseball managers, and their career records:
- Alan Trammell: 186-300
- Davey Lopes: 144-195
- Phil Garner: 985-1054
- Ray Knight: 125-137
- Lee Mazzilli: 129-140
- Bob Brenly: 303-262
- Tony Pena: 198-285
- Willie Randolph: 268-218
- Al Pedrique: 22-61
Combined record: 2360-2652 (.471)
So history is any lesson, the Yankees would be very wise to look at their options and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIRE JOE GIRARDI!!!
Well, maybe not "good". Let's take a look at the RBI Baseball players turned real-life baseball managers, and their career records:
- Alan Trammell: 186-300
- Davey Lopes: 144-195
- Phil Garner: 985-1054
- Ray Knight: 125-137
- Lee Mazzilli: 129-140
- Bob Brenly: 303-262
- Tony Pena: 198-285
- Willie Randolph: 268-218
- Al Pedrique: 22-61
Combined record: 2360-2652 (.471)
So history is any lesson, the Yankees would be very wise to look at their options and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIRE JOE GIRARDI!!!
San Diego Officials: Turner Not to Blame for Wildfires
SAN DIEGO - In a press conference today at City Hall, civic leaders repudiated widely-held public belief that San Diego Chargers head coach Norv Turner is to blame for a series of devastating wildfires that have forced the evacuation of more than 250,000 residents of the area.
"We believe that these fires were caused by a variety of factors, including record drought, incredibly dry winds and extremely high winds," said San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders said. "I know that it may be hard for the general population to believe, but at this time we have found no evidence that Norv Turner had anything to do - intentionally or unintentionally - with these fires."
Speculation had turned to Turner, who has earned the scorn of many Chargers fans after a 3-3 start to this season after replacing Marty Schottenheimer following a 14-2 campaign last season. Callers to local sports talk radio shows had been adamant that the deadly fires plaguing the area were tied into Turner's perceived lack of ability as a head coach.
"First we can't run the ball, then we can't stop the pass, and now this," said a caller identified as Paul from Poway told one local show. "I'll say this: you can bet the smoking hull of my house that this wouldn't have happened if Marty was still here."
Despite fans' suspicions, Mayor Sanders insisted that there was no evidence that Turner was involved.
"We've identified the flash points of each fire, and we have a good idea that Coach Turner wasn't involved," he said. "Plus, these fires have not responded to baking soda but have responded to water, which is completely inconsistent with the type of grease fire that you would normally associate with Coach Turner."
However, the City Council did pass a special emergency ordinance banning Turner from being 500 feet from any brush or other tinder "as a precautionary measure".
"We believe that these fires were caused by a variety of factors, including record drought, incredibly dry winds and extremely high winds," said San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders said. "I know that it may be hard for the general population to believe, but at this time we have found no evidence that Norv Turner had anything to do - intentionally or unintentionally - with these fires."
Speculation had turned to Turner, who has earned the scorn of many Chargers fans after a 3-3 start to this season after replacing Marty Schottenheimer following a 14-2 campaign last season. Callers to local sports talk radio shows had been adamant that the deadly fires plaguing the area were tied into Turner's perceived lack of ability as a head coach.
"First we can't run the ball, then we can't stop the pass, and now this," said a caller identified as Paul from Poway told one local show. "I'll say this: you can bet the smoking hull of my house that this wouldn't have happened if Marty was still here."
Despite fans' suspicions, Mayor Sanders insisted that there was no evidence that Turner was involved.
"We've identified the flash points of each fire, and we have a good idea that Coach Turner wasn't involved," he said. "Plus, these fires have not responded to baking soda but have responded to water, which is completely inconsistent with the type of grease fire that you would normally associate with Coach Turner."
However, the City Council did pass a special emergency ordinance banning Turner from being 500 feet from any brush or other tinder "as a precautionary measure".
Beatles Song Titles If They Were Named After Baseball Players in the 1970s
- Dal Maxvill’s Silver Hammer
- Gene Alley You Need Is Love
- The Tim Foli on the Hill
- Everybody’s Got Something to Hide (Except for Me and Denis Menke)
- The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Russell
- Marty Perez My Dear
- Got to Get Larvell Blanks Into My Life
- Helter Mick Kelleher
- Lovely Rick Burleson (Meter Maid)
- Hey Ivan DeJesus
- Jimmy Sexton Sadie
- Bill Almon (Go To Him)
- Get Rick Auerbach
- And I Love Toby Harrah
- The Ballad of John and Kiko Garcia
- Being for the Benefit of Mr. Don Kessinger
- Freddie Patek is the Walrus
- Larry Bowa in the Sky with Diamonds
- Mean Mr. Rance Mulliniks
- Nelson Norman Wood (This Bird Has Flown)
- Polythene Pat Rockett
- Pepe Frias as a Bird
- Tom Veryzer Never Knows
Christ's Hiring of Scott Boras Alarms Rockies Officials
DENVER - God today furthered rampant speculation that Jesus Christ would become a free agent at the end of this baseball season by announcing that He had signed a contract with high-powered agent Scott Boras, who has represented players such as Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito and Carlos Beltran.
Members of the Colorado Rockies front office, where Christ has played played a major part in their improbable run to the World Series this season, responded quickly in an attempt to downplay the situation on the eve of the team's first World Series game. However, sources inside the organization have said that the prospect of losing Christ as a free agent next season is turning into a distraction.
"I can tell you that there's been a lot of nail biting and crossing of rosary beads since we found out about this," said a source inside the organization. "Everyone loves Christ, and everyone here knows what He means to this team. But with Game One approaching, who knows if he's going to be focused on helping us achieve victory, or have His mind already thinking about where He is going to be next season. Christ, what timing..."
The source was then struck by lightening.
For his part, Boras said that his client was very happy with the Rockies, but hinted that he would be open to other offers.
"Look at what some of the big-name free agents have pulled in over the past few years, and compare that to what Christ has done," Boras said. "It's not even close. None of them are all-knowing, omnipotent entities - not even A-Rod. The scary part is that Christ isn't even close to his prime yet - he's only 2007 years old, which is practically a kid in deity standards. By my projections, Christ should lead the league in saves and transfigurations for several hundred years to come."
Sources could not place an exact number on how much Christ would be worth on the open market, but estimates range from "all the balm in Gilead" to "a full and complete devotion to His works on Earth".
"He loves it in Colorado - it's a great place to raise a family, and you know how much He loves winter sports," Boras said. "But I know He sometimes wonders if His message would receive more attention if He played for a large market team."
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has already stated that he would be willing to spend big money to lure Christ to his team.
"There is no bigger venue for His message than Yankee Stadium," Steinbrenner said. "It's a big market that loves big icons, and I can see Christ fitting in right alongside Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio."
Christ was unavailable for comment. He has reportedly spent the time off after the NLCS with his rumored new girlfriend, Alyssa Milano.
Members of the Colorado Rockies front office, where Christ has played played a major part in their improbable run to the World Series this season, responded quickly in an attempt to downplay the situation on the eve of the team's first World Series game. However, sources inside the organization have said that the prospect of losing Christ as a free agent next season is turning into a distraction.
"I can tell you that there's been a lot of nail biting and crossing of rosary beads since we found out about this," said a source inside the organization. "Everyone loves Christ, and everyone here knows what He means to this team. But with Game One approaching, who knows if he's going to be focused on helping us achieve victory, or have His mind already thinking about where He is going to be next season. Christ, what timing..."
The source was then struck by lightening.
For his part, Boras said that his client was very happy with the Rockies, but hinted that he would be open to other offers.
"Look at what some of the big-name free agents have pulled in over the past few years, and compare that to what Christ has done," Boras said. "It's not even close. None of them are all-knowing, omnipotent entities - not even A-Rod. The scary part is that Christ isn't even close to his prime yet - he's only 2007 years old, which is practically a kid in deity standards. By my projections, Christ should lead the league in saves and transfigurations for several hundred years to come."
Sources could not place an exact number on how much Christ would be worth on the open market, but estimates range from "all the balm in Gilead" to "a full and complete devotion to His works on Earth".
"He loves it in Colorado - it's a great place to raise a family, and you know how much He loves winter sports," Boras said. "But I know He sometimes wonders if His message would receive more attention if He played for a large market team."
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has already stated that he would be willing to spend big money to lure Christ to his team.
"There is no bigger venue for His message than Yankee Stadium," Steinbrenner said. "It's a big market that loves big icons, and I can see Christ fitting in right alongside Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio."
Christ was unavailable for comment. He has reportedly spent the time off after the NLCS with his rumored new girlfriend, Alyssa Milano.